Acceptance

I can only be in this moment. Accepting it fully. I am here.  That is a tricky one.
Acceptance. No more fighting, proving, cajoling, staying. My heart has been heavy because it is in motion again.  So many changes this year. More than anytime in my life. The fast and the furious.
Lessons  that I have had to be the teacher and the student. Who has graded my paper?
My classroom has been an incredibly lonely one. It has been a student of one. Especially with my writing.
Learning how to type, edit, and put out my work all at the same time. I put my faith in myself.
In such a short period of time, just since this past October. Really learning how to use the computer, coming back out to life. I have kept only to myself, my family for so many years now. I have been very comfortable that way. After all the years of heartache and lessons that I have overcome.
Mind numbing, never ending. It's hard to believe  fourteen years of self imposed exile has come to an end.

The girl who had endless parties and BBQ's. The social butterfly. How my life changed, for so many reasons.
I have paid dearly. I have learned, more importantly. I am not the same person I was back then.
It has so little to do with age, I am so much younger now. My heart, my life. I am looking  back.
That is the only way I can gauge where I have come from. What I came from ~ a very impatient
girl who wanted instant gratification at times. A lot of things I didn't earn, especially respect.

The road has been painfully long, I suppose because I am so hard headed. I needed to learn things over and over again. I have been very angry, slow to forgive. It has taken me a long time to see it has damaged me the most,
even more than the person I have not forgiven. Plus,  the thing I really needed to learn the most.
Empathy. That is why this road has taken so much longer. I had no empathy for myself.
How in the world could I possibly have had empathy for anyone else?  The little girl who sat alone in the dark waiting for mommy to come rescue her. Mommy never came. The teen still waiting for a rescue
when those in power were doing unspeakable things. No one came. As an adult, going for help, history repeating itself yet again when asking for help~ risking. It was too much for me.

My testing would really begin when I was pregnant with twins I wasn't expecting.  It was a difficult pregnancy, and  I delivered two girls prematurely stillborn. It was the beginning of my truest healing in life, through the cruelest vehicle.  I don't know if I would have woken up, had the pain not been so great.

I felt like I could not be tested anymore. Little did I know that would be  just the beginning of my
life of quiet. Turning inward. Self discovery. Going from complete utter darkness, daily prayers for death, asking my husband to fulfill that wish every night as he returned home. My depression, darkness, loss, utter despair was a black hole. It lasted seven years. I did not know about post partum depression,
my chemicals in my body being off. I just knew I didn't want to be on this planet.

Finally I got help. I never stopped self discovery even in my darkest days. I never stopped praying, begging God to help me. Never. I just wanted the excruciating pain to end. Slowly with a
 tremendous and loving team of people who I literally owe my life to. I came back. They always told me     I had worth even as I stared blankly, crying. For a long time. They never gave up on me.
Ever. My love and respect for them is so high. I cannot even put it in words. They know.
My husband, who loved me through hell, and it was hell. Nothing short of it for so many years.
A catatonic wife. One who used to be filled with life and joy. Neither of us understood what had happened to me. It would take so long to explain, I don't know if I could hold anyones interest.
My body went haywire after  our twins died.  Besides physically, emotionally I went away.
My body was shocked from past traumas. Too many. It was time to do the work. My body was taking this opportunity. That's what my life has been about{ along with loving my incredible family} until this year. My coming out party to life again. Putting the pieces back together. Mrs. Humpty Dumpty.
Trusting, friendships. Learning about life. Computers. Feeling alive probably for the first time.

I always was mom to my kids, no matter what. I always got "Up with the people, "
then went back in my room. I have always had a great ability to normalize things.
People who have grown up with abuse usually do. So here I am . How I got on FaceBook,
writing, meeting people. I don't know? I would never have believed it in October.
What changed everything for me ~ October I faced my greatest fear. I walked into my Nieces Wedding,
and  faced someone who had done enormous damage to me as a child. I literally thought I was going to die. I didn't. It changed me ~ it got me to face everything. Because of standing up for that kid in me, I am here now. I am not afraid anymore. I am definitely chubbier this year. I am more exhausted.  Sometimes I don't know what I am, but I do know this.... I am free. I have faced so many fears head on.
If the worst thing I can say is I have packed on a few pounds, which I am on my ass about constantly,  I think it is time to lighten up. They will come off again. I have needed to feel safe. I lead a very clean life. If M&M's do it...... than cool. Let it be. I am who I am. I am listening to "This is it," Kenny Loggins.
"Make no mistake where you are, the waiting is over...... nowhere to run, nowhere to hide." I accept.