Mothers Day For Him

I don't think I have ever realized what it has cost him. Every Holiday. Every time it comes near, his mood changes. He becomes more removed. I was too caught up in my own trip, to understand his complete and utter loss and dismay. He lost so much  early on, my beautiful dear sweet husband. I see him so strong, resilient a man. He is  easy going. He hides the scars so effortlessly from the past.
Yet they resurface like clockwork, Every Holiday. This is a double header. Not only is it Mother's Day,
his Mother's Birthday is in May. She died in April, when I was pregnant with our second child.

That was twenty one years ago, as we sat by her bedside in the hospital at Huntington Memorial.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I tried to hide my bulging stomach. I was seven months pregnant, and I didn't want to remind her, or my husband,  she wouldn't be around to see her second grandchild. It
 was a very strange sensation to be aware of life kicking inside me, as death was very close for my husbands Mother. I am profoundly sad as I write these words. I did not have a good relationship with my Mother-in-law.  Ever, but for one week in her life. She came home from the hospital the first time,
[she had lung cancer] and we stayed with her. I had just found out I was pregnant with our second child,
we had a three year old son,  and my husband had just started a new job. We camped out in her living room, I cooked and cleaned. At first it was very tense, because we had never been close.
But somehow we fell into a groove, a rhythm.  It was nice, a family for the first time.

The greatest compliment she ever paid me,  when she told me she felt like a child again. I would cook her favorite meals, tuck her in bed. She said it made her feel safe, just like when she was a little girl, with her mother. I can't tell you how I hold that in my heart to this day.  It really was a special week I will cherish forever. Finally I went home with our son, after a week, my husband stayed on another.   His relationship had long been strained through the years with his mother. The distance growing even wider, when she had became little a stronger. It wasn't that he wanted it that way for one second. Just the opposite. He longed  so desperately for his mother.  It just wasn't to be. So we got back into the rhythm of our life again, the best way we knew how. One step at a time.
We needed the distance. She wanted the closeness, yet so much damage had been done through
the years. It was hard to repair, especially when no real conversation was allowed to take place.  A lot of guilt and  uncomfortable feelings were still present, with nowhere to go. We would have loved for real intimacy.It wasn't going to happen. Pretending made it that much more heartbreaking in the light of day.

Months passed,  and  my Mother-In-Law went back into the hospital. It was around Easter time.
I watched my husband  go through so much turmoil. I had so little to offer at that time, my deepest regret.
He was so alone. I could not possibly understand, what I do today. I had nothing to offer.
I lacked maturity, insight, wisdom. More aloneness of his childhood he encountered, as he watched his Mother slip away. No words would he hear, even in her passing."Son, I am so proud of you. Thank you
for making my life so joyous." just the silence of life slipping away. Just as his Father had left without a word, more silence for this beautiful heart.  I didn't understand the toll.  I do now. Another silence in his life, as he  walked a long road, to the Funeral Home by himself, to pick out our baby's coffin. I did not share that silence either. He has had many silences I will never know.

I wish I could transport me of today ~ back then. Hold my Raymond. Overlook so much of his Mother's behaviors and understand, it was so much fear. Loss. That was her baby boy.  I wish I had the tools I have now, from Hospice, to say..... she's scared. Ignore her words. Look in her eyes. Hold her hand.
Say what it is you need to say. Don't wait to hear what you  need. Say it. You'll be surprised what comes out of that. Forgiveness is amazing.  It never looks the way we think it's supposed to.
Happy Mother's  Day Patricia Spencer. Thank you for the gift of your amazing son. I am sorry for
your  wounded heart. I didn't understand. Please forgive me for my impatience of youth.
I think we may have been friends. You have  some pretty incredible grandchildren. Im sure you are watching from wherever you are, up in those fluffy clouds. I wish you peace.