Miscreant Universe

Full moons bring out the most interesting peeps.  Today was no exception.  As the hubby and I were doing our usual Saturday morning cruise, quite a few sights caught our eye.The first we were so lucky to behold as we were driving down Foothill Blvd in Pasadena, a fine well respectable gent. To understand my  sense of humor, I come from a mother who constantly used very interesting words to describe things. Today these words would appear  politically  incorrect, but to her  they still are perfectly normal and attaches no significance to them whatsoever. The thing is I am her daughter.... and everything is funny in this context.

So no one will take offense, I changed the wording, although I wouldn't know how my mom would spell this one anyway. (Yes, I know we are veering off the story, but only momentarily I promise.)
"Don't put that in your mouth thats caucky." Everything was "cauky" to my mom. It is just so hysterical thinking about that.... my kids were raised with this word, and so many others also. Sights, people, words are very significant to me because everything was so bizarre.  I think I search out the bizarre. That sometimes is  my comfort zone.

Getting back to our morning of cruising.... I will  describe this handsome devil  the best I can. While he  slowly walked away from the bus stop he was at ( doing the lean back walk)  a few people were nearby, especially one lucky woman. My I spy eyes opened wider as I watched this fellow reach into his sweatpants, ( that came up nearly around his neck) and grab around his nether regions. Of course I watched intently what was going to take place. Anyone who knows me, knows  of course I would watch. Superfreak that I am, I don't want to miss a thing. Bizarre behavior especially. Must be the writer in me. Ok, that is just my cover.

This poor woman shuffles off quickly as he is enjoying himself and his smoke. Two fisted fella and all. Then as he fishes around a little more for good measure, it was time to water the nearby tree. This is Foothill Blvd  in Pasadena.Very busy. He finishes his biz.... very casually I might add, hitches his sweats up even higher if humanly possible, and very cooly walks over to the other people waiting for the bus. Lucky them. All in a days work.

Later in the day as we were at the Gas Station, another fine gent stumbles over towards Ray. Starts rapping about  wanting 30 cents and getting in Ray's face. I'm not sure what planet or drug of choice he was on, but I have never seen my hubby say "no" louder to get this fellow out of his personal space.The day continued like this with many citizens having lively debates with themselves on many a corner. I don't know what was in the air today.... but it felt like we were in Miscreant Universe.

Bittersweet

I can't remember, in all my Concert going days, a concert that I have felt, been a part of, more than last nights....Kenny Loggins with The Glendale Symphony.  It was called "A Night of Romance."  When I ordered the tickets awhile ago I thought perfect, so close to Valentines Day, this is the ideal gift since Raym and I are such Kenny Loggins fans. We have been to more of his Concerts  through the years than probably anyone one else.

When the Conductor  began to lead the Orchestra, all my senses came to life again. It had been so long since I have heard such beautiful music live. Then The Man himself came out. What I love about Kenny Loggins is his constant change, growth, evolution. I have never seen him so natural, relaxed,just plain real. I have been to many a concert in my days where he would tell us (the audience) how to feel, how to be, buy his album. Loved his music, but it just didn't feel as good as last night.

Probably was hitting a little to close to home the trippy~ness of my own life.  Mirror Mirror on the Wall. Reflecting back what I didn't want to look at, but needed to see bigger than life to understand. Last night his voice was so raw, so earthy, pure magic. He let us into his soul, took us for the ride, helped us poke around inside ours for the evening. Buckle up was not even in the vocabulary. Hang on, he just took us there, sang the songs that were important to him. It was amazing, you could feel how true he stayed to himself... as we the audience reaped the benefits.

He shared the behind-the-scenes writing of Pooh Corner, as a high school senior.  The third verse of Return to Pooh Corner was recently written for his fourth child's birth.  Coming full circle Back to Pooh Corner as so many of us have. What got to me as it always does.... Celebrate Me Home.

Kenny is a local boy having grown up two cities over from where I grew up. It always helps me understand where he comes from when he sings. His father used to be a customer at the restaurant I worked at in Alhambra. Ca. He used to sit at the counter, order coffee and pie same thing every day. I didn't really pay attention to be honest. I was 16, and he seemed like an old man muttering, I had enough of that going on in my life.

That brings me back to  Celebrate Me Home.  He dedicated it to someone who had recently died, whose family was in the audience. With the orchestra in the back ground, Kenny singing it like I have never heard ( I have played that sucker thousands of times ).....  I just could't hold my emotions together any longer. I thought about the Bittersweetness in my life right now. The reason my life is working, I am succeeding, I am celebrating myself home. I can no longer go  back home, there is no home for me. Too much damage~ to go back will only keep opening a wound I have finally allowed to heal after all these years. I cried for myself, my parents, not because I don't love them.... but because I have to do what is right for my family, for me. That is Celebrating Me Home for all of us.  I kept looking for validation, love~ even at this age, hoping for something that just cannot come. I have finally become parent to myself.

Taking care of myself, not wishing myself harm, loving myself,  letting people love me, that is the true celebration of what Kenny sang about.  I sang with an audience last night over and over.... Celebrate Me Home. As the tears overflowed in that dark theatre, I was letting go of myths, pain that I no longer need to carry. That is the greatest tribute I could give my parents and myself.

Dude Looks Like A Lady

Sometimes things you think at the time are such a good idea don't always pan out. Case in point, somewhere around 5th  grade I think this story took place.   I was with my friend after school, riding up toThrifty's no doubt to get an ice cream cone.  We were both on her bike, let's just say neither of us were particularly petite. We were a vision so graceful and swanlike.

As we were nearing Thrifty's, salivating no doubt at this point and am sure I had built up a hefty appetite as the passenger..... What to my wandering eye did appear but a shadowy figure across the street. I cannot even type this I am laughing so hard.  I blurted out to  my friend, "look at that fat chick." Now it takes one to know one, as the poor tires on her bike were getting a real workout. Obviously I didn't know my voice carried so far. Fat chick looked up from across the street and it was on.  Hey, what about our ice cream?

With a look of rage in her eyes,  fat chick wasn't having it. "Who you calling fat?' Uh oh, dude looks like a lady. She was a he and he was coming after us. We high tailed it out of there, with him like the wind on us. Finally several blocks later my friend could pedal no more, we stopped. An old man was working away on his tree in front of his house, this looked like a safe spot as any. No such luck, he acted like all of us were invisible. Fat chick was gonna learn me a lesson, I felt it coming. 

She/he took the snow cone  he was previously eating, and ground it ever so nicely into my chin until it appeared to come to a point with scab for extra measure by days end. That taught me I don't know what at the time, but something. Get my gender right. He/she was angrier about being called a chick than fat. She/he walked away with sheer satisfaction, just smirking.  I laugh every time I hear the song Dude Looks Like A Lady. 

Superfox

Parts of this  story just makes me laugh so hard,  every time I relive it  in my mind it is even more pleasurable. I am very into visuals. How am I not a dude? I am laughing now... so here goes.

This is the background, not the funny part so bear with me as the story continues.
I had this teacher in  High School that every girl swooned over.  I went to  high school in the late 70's and I had some very ahead of their time teachers. I really believe they moulded this mind in the best of ways, to become who I am. Their thinking  was so cutting edge, coming from such a conservative area at the time. Two of the teachers that I had were Doctors and believed in a very modern,
loving approach to learning. I am quite sure this did not go over big with the Administration, but the Students... we were eating it up, loving every second of this approach to expressing feelings, etc. Something very foreign to most  of us in very uptight, rigid homes.

Dance, sing, cry, laugh write, simply express yourself. Of course me being shy and completely beyond tripped out just sat there but believe me I took it all in.  Especially the love. I  loved the two years of being a part of this bold experiment. Three Classes combined together, my Sophomore and Junior  year were the best times of my High School experience. Being told that we were loved, special, etc was amazing. That we could do, be anything... it rocked our worlds.

I decided to look Superfox up on the computer about two years ago and see what was up. Well, he still was looking pretty good  100 years later, or he put a good pic up. I saw his address was local, and asked my trusty partner in crime Raymond if he wanted to drive by his office.  So in the ride we go chatting away as usual. I am nervous and excited even at the thought of just a drive by, bringing up all these girlish High School feelings for Superfox.  All the info on the internet showed his amazing career, beautiful fiancee, Fortune 500 companies, etc. I was nervous even to do the cruise. Obviously  my 17 year old was coming out. As we near the address, Raym says  this must be a mistake, we must have gotten the address wrong.  Over and over we checked and double checked.

In front of us was a Shanty..... this could not be my Superfox's Crib. Raym kept saying this is the address, I think it is some kind of apartment acting like a Suite /Office.  " Ok honey, go up to the door and knock." Raym looked at me like, she isn't going to stop until I do this. He already looked at the mail box and it said his name on it. Not good enough. Go to the door. "And say what?"  "I don't care, say you live here, say anything go check it out." I have a very loving hubby who has gone on many a recon mission in 28 years with me. Out he went to continue the mission.

I sat in the car behind the bushes watching. Good camouflage disguise I am sure. Superfox wouldn't remember 100 years later, but  I had to remain cool. I watch as my old man bitches to himself as he walks to the door. A cat pops out of the apartment hallway to startle him, while smelly old cat food and debris are to the left of the door. He rings the doorbell, and Superfox opens it with no shirt on and a pair of old cut off shorty short jeans. A football game is blaring on the TV in the background loudly as Superfox asks what he can do for Ray, all the while looking fairly disheveled.

Ray just stands there dumbfounded for a moment by the sight of Superfox, the Cat, and  how in the hell did I talk him into this kind of thing yet again. " Does so and so live here," Superfox says no, Ray takes one last look  knowing I will grill him for every detail. Ray seemed quite taken with the Cat details.

Life is funny, people are sometimes not who they appear to be. It's not that it would have mattered to me one way or another about Superfox, where he lived. The write up after write up about his fabulous star studded life, Hollywood Style Glamor... and how I reacted. Small town girl that was so afraid to even cruise by. We are all just people. Ray said he couldn't have been nicer. Always was.
I think why the story makes me laugh is Ray walking up to the door. That is so out of character for him, just winging it. What we do for love.  He has done so many silly things for me he would never do in "regular" life. I appreciate that more than I could possibly say.  My cohort in crime,  the ride has been so much fun.  Getting the joke together. Thanks honey for humoring a 17 year old....The Superfox one was something else.

Nothing tastes as good as forgiveness

I feel like there is more room to breathe in my body. Carrying around extra luggage for a trip I never plan to go on is not my idea of a good time. I don't know  what I was looking at, but the other day I saw an obituary of an old customer back in my waitressing days that I used to really like. He was a very friendly, upbeat kind of guy, always coming in spreading joy, quick with a joke, didn't spread gossip, and was a wonderful story teller. I haven't seen him in probably 29, 30 years but his smile is etched in my mind.

He had a very long obituary, had moved away from here, started a new family and looked like he lived a very happy life. We had a mutual friend who I had fallen out with, and it made me think about grudges,
what it was doing to me, and my body was telling me no matter how wronged I felt.... it was time to put down the gauntlet. Yesterday I did that. Eighteen years of gauntlet, going over in my mind what I wanted to say, wanting to hold my position, sound very uppity and smart. Hmmm.... this wasn't going too well.

Did I become a beard stroking professor all of a sudden. Then the tears came, now we were getting somewhere.  Those walls that were so thick, crusty,  they were ready to be knocked down with a  feather if you really looked closely.... they were ready to come a tumbling down.

I slowed down, breathed and thought about my friend who was no longer on Planet Earth.
What did I want to say to this person. The Truth. How I felt, my part  in what really happened and apologize. It was not easy. Definitely a back and forth process in emails.  Regardless of the ultimate outcome, my last email stating I would be sad if they weren't on the Planet, they were loved, we both made mistakes, took responsibility for my part .... I felt lighter.
I really couldn't believe it took eighteen years to get to that. This was not an easy one. Probably one of those learning curves of forgiveness that  prompts  giant growth spurts along the way. I think I understand in this moment, that our teachers are sometimes what have caused us the greatest heartache and pain. Then I say thank you to this one. Nothing does taste as good as forgiveness.