Nothing tastes as good as forgiveness

I feel like there is more room to breathe in my body. Carrying around extra luggage for a trip I never plan to go on is not my idea of a good time. I don't know  what I was looking at, but the other day I saw an obituary of an old customer back in my waitressing days that I used to really like. He was a very friendly, upbeat kind of guy, always coming in spreading joy, quick with a joke, didn't spread gossip, and was a wonderful story teller. I haven't seen him in probably 29, 30 years but his smile is etched in my mind.

He had a very long obituary, had moved away from here, started a new family and looked like he lived a very happy life. We had a mutual friend who I had fallen out with, and it made me think about grudges,
what it was doing to me, and my body was telling me no matter how wronged I felt.... it was time to put down the gauntlet. Yesterday I did that. Eighteen years of gauntlet, going over in my mind what I wanted to say, wanting to hold my position, sound very uppity and smart. Hmmm.... this wasn't going too well.

Did I become a beard stroking professor all of a sudden. Then the tears came, now we were getting somewhere.  Those walls that were so thick, crusty,  they were ready to be knocked down with a  feather if you really looked closely.... they were ready to come a tumbling down.

I slowed down, breathed and thought about my friend who was no longer on Planet Earth.
What did I want to say to this person. The Truth. How I felt, my part  in what really happened and apologize. It was not easy. Definitely a back and forth process in emails.  Regardless of the ultimate outcome, my last email stating I would be sad if they weren't on the Planet, they were loved, we both made mistakes, took responsibility for my part .... I felt lighter.
I really couldn't believe it took eighteen years to get to that. This was not an easy one. Probably one of those learning curves of forgiveness that  prompts  giant growth spurts along the way. I think I understand in this moment, that our teachers are sometimes what have caused us the greatest heartache and pain. Then I say thank you to this one. Nothing does taste as good as forgiveness.