Looking Back

It's  very early morning as I am writing. I couldn't sleep, my brain would not turn down the volume, so here I am. doing the next best thing. It's around four-thirty, the cats and I are having our own party.
I think what got me all riled up was looking at photo albums last night. I brought many albums out from my closet and draped them all around me on my bedroom floor. Years flooded by me, my life, my family.
It was almost too much for some reason in those moments. I think because I finally understood where I came from, by looking back. The steps it took, the toil and labor... the sheer effort of all the steps.

One picture caught my eye in particular. It  was from eleven years ago. Just thinking about it brings a sadness to my heart.  I think because it is the true acknowledgement of what it has taken to get here today.
What I saw.... a very sad, overweight, depressed  person trying to figure out my life.

I think it is very important to be able to look back at ourselves, all the parts we have wanted to discard.
That very sad person- the one who was always me inside, who just got trapped and needed to find my way yet again. I was no less lovable for my pain, I just needed to heal and believe that I was worthy of love in one of my lowest states. As I am writing this, I am thinking what do I really want to express of myself to the reader?  Oh yes... we don't just arrive in our lives with a pretty bow on, and we are done.  It takes effort. Some make it look incredibly easy and some fake others out, how did they get there? It didn't look like any work at all. Those people,  I have learned,  are the ones who have usually worked the hardest.

Standing up for what we believe in along the way, finding your voice.
 Everything takes effort. Nothing is going to feel comfortable right off the bat. Saying" no," especially  women we are so conditioned to please and say" yes." It is on shaky legs to become the person you want to be. Through the years I fell more times, felt like moving backwards instead of forwards.
It  felt so imperfect, I judged myself so mercilessly. There were no maps to guide me, only my internal radar that didn't always serve me, due to fear and disbelief that I would not  be a good leader for myself.

I listened to the "experts" instead of me, the theorists, the ones who easily tell you how it is without the slightest clue. I fueled my body, mind and spirit with  negativity and fear  and crappy eating along the way out of desperation, holding on to the only past I knew.
Then something finally snapped. I wanted  different~ things started making sense, falling into place. This was definitely not overnight. Years in the making, actually. But I finally woke up.
I wanted more, I wanted to be whole. I would do whatever it took to get there. I had no idea what "there" was, but I was willing to go.

That started many years ago, and has and will continue until the day I die. Feeding my mind, body, spirit good thoughts, food, people.  LOVE. No longer punishing myself. When I am  surrounded by negativity, it is time to move on. My body feels this and reacts. Nothing is worth these miserable feelings anymore. I treat myself with the same respect I treat others. That was my biggest challenge.... ever.
Life is indeed what we make it. I would never have believed or have understood that many years ago. I was too invested in being a victim to my circumstances. I still get frustrated at times, want to be further up the road than I am. But then all I need to do is..... look back from where I have come.