Trust

I  have realized something this week....  that I don't think I really knew.  I have not trusted that I was liked, loved, accepted for me.... warts and all. This has been a real learning curve week. I have gone through a whole lot of emotions for various reasons that I will bore no one with. But what I came away with, I just figured my actions were mine, and didn't really affect anyone else. False. Waves of pain sweep over,  my reactions  are anything but ordinary. Knee jerk behavior takes over... I go underground,  a true sadness I had not experienced in such a long time comes like a thief in the night. Unexpected, unwelcome... an abrupt jolt to my senses.

I am not sure what set me off the most. What  I believe it was ... judgement from others about who I am.  Something I have just become comfortable with, probably for the first time in my life. It seems when you make a declaration of any kind, the Universe shakes things up saying... "Hey little lady,  that's what you think. Let's throw a little of this and that in the mix,  see how fancy you think you are."

Maybe because this comfort level is new to  me,  or because I have been traveling with Ray so much lately and away from home, my comfort zone... or just testing different waters. Could be all of the above. It knocked me down and then some. I felt like I was in grade school again, with nothing to guide me.
Maybe that is the point, to start over again, to trust that I am lovable, even and especially when I make mistakes and hurt others. I have, and do not feel good about it.
I cannot even explain to myself how far back I went from this experience, or why it set me off so badly. I only know it brought out shame in me that was not deserved. Very reminiscent of childhood shame where I would run for cover. Public scorn is so difficult.  I wish I could go back and have the where-with-all to say calmly everything I would have liked to.  However, now I will no longer accept bad behavior and cruelty. I may not have reacted  how I would have liked to at the time, but I am learning to forgive my imperfect self. I do the best I can. Tell the Truth, Apologize. Forgive, Love.