The Dark Shadow

Today was an amazing day.  Ray and I celebrated our 28th Anniversary. We spent the day together,
driving, listening to music, going out to eat, window shopping. Always wonderful with him, always an adventure. We never know what road we will take ~ ever. Today was no exception, in every sense of the word. Of course it always does start on meandering roads foreign to us. Maybe that is the point.
Being able to let down enough  to just simply be.  I could feel words wanting to tumble out of my mouth that had been stuck, crammed in my throat for weeks. The timing simply never felt right.

Between power outages, Ray's crazy schedule, and then him getting sick this past week, I let it simmer.
I am not a simmerer.... more like shake and stir.  I am learning patience, it is coming.
I felt that usual lump in my throat, when a mixture of shame, fear, and what the hell is going to tumble out, and will I do  unspeakable damage with my forthrightness. I am like a steam train when on a mission,full steam ahead. Ray knows me so well after all these years. Let it come out.... just let it be.


This time even as I write this,  I feel horrified  and full of shame. The truth sets us free... I hope so.
I have tried to outrun so many things in my life, point the finger~ blame. Like the preacher or politician pointing the finger at  so and so, while doing whatever with whoever, I have tried to outrun me.
What I have come from in my family history : The Dark Shadow.  I sit here numb as my fingers no longer want to continue, hide in the shadows. So much easier to be anonymous, who will know?
I know and  countless other people in life carry the cloak of The Dark Shadow.  Born into a life
of shame and fear that becomes part of us, only by true examination can we heal these wounds.  Lifting this cloak of self loathing and judgement we can forgive ourselves, and in turn others.

I have kept myself hidden in so many respects, afraid to challenge myself because  I have been so afraid the hideous beast that's heart has beaten within me will rise once again.  Past hurts I have brought on people,
I have  never wanted to hurt those I love so dearly again no matter how many light years ago I brought this pain on.  I  see the family I come from ~ it's Dark Shadow's.  It has loomed over me, and I have run and run, not wanting to claim I have any part of the beast. It has nothing to do with me..... alas,
my conversation with my beautiful Raymond, letting The Dark Beast that is always lurking in the basement of my mind. I keep it starved, bound in chains, but it still yearns to come out in the light of day. Today, I let it speak. My fear... if I truly become me, I will lose us.  The hole in my heart is so big at times, having been starved and never fed by the proper nutrients as a child. Never watered with love,
positive affirmations of any kind, tenderness,  gentleness, nurturing,  anything that a child would need to grow and prosper. I learned to sneak and lie and betray at a very early age... to survive.


So many things I am not proud of, I have done. I have  gone from a very loud life from the past, to an almost hermit like existence for many years now for different reasons. First and foremost to let go of the me that no longer served it's purpose, and let the truthful me come out. I have allowed many years of healing and forgiveness to take place in this environment.  The one that did or did not serve me, hiding from The Dark Shadow. It is time to face this Beast. My fear is greater than the truth, or so I am told by someone near and dear. It  is now time to test that theory.  Yes there is the dark I have now acknowledged, but there has always been  light that has led the way for me in that darkness.
I am enough. I am all I have. This body, mind, spirit was given to me  to treasure and respect.
I have abused, feared, cursed it.  Now it is time to love and nurture myself.

The people who are my parents have not  loved themselves, how could they provide their children  with love, respect, nurturing, encouragement or guidance. The answer is, none of the above. I cannot continue this pattern of abuse to myself.... I do not to my children. I would never treat anyone as inhumanely as I have treated myself, waiting, waiting for a mother to deem me worthy of her love. It will not come. I  officially deem me worthy.  I put my arms around me, I will hold  me, I will rock me, just as I have my children. I will cry the tears for me that need to come... The Dark Shadow only lurks when it is just that, in the dark. I refuse. I release it all. Whatever it takes, freedom is worth everything and more. What is pride? I lost that so long ago, and it is and was false. Truth is all we have in the end.

You must be in Pennsylvania or sick

Beautiful Christmas music is playing in the background,  the fire is glowing beside me.
Ray is on his computer fiddling around, and I am feeling comfort, yet sadness at the same time as I write.
I realize there will always be a hole in me, my heart, but it is acceptable damage from where I come from.
I can finally move on and no longer try to correct the damage. The tears will come when they may, it is the price of my freedom. The beauty is what actually brings the sadness~ the calm. There is no more fixing, no more trying to figure things out. All the stages have been gone  through. No more grieving for what was. It wasn't. Ever. The life I have created, it is mine. Through my blood, sweat and tears. Joy, laughter and love. This beautiful family I have the pleasure and privilege of sharing it with.

      Tomorrow I go into another year with Ray.... our 28th Anniversary. I look up at him, and he smiles at me with the most  beautiful blue eyes. Love pouring out..... no matter what. Believe me, there have been a lot of no matter whats in 28 years of marriage. The biggest heartache he has witnessed is the relationship between my mother and me. As I write this, my heart feels nothing but sadness, because there is nothing left but the surrender. That is my Christmas Gift to myself and my family this year. it is not one that I have taken lightly, or given up easily.  It has been the most difficult decision of my life, but one I have needed to do to move forward. The pain involved in having a relationship with her has been so great, I had to finally become survival of the fittest. This time after all these years, it got to be me who survived.

I will always love my mother, but I believe now I can begin to really heal and wish her well, from the very heart of who I am.  I don't like the base animal that I had become at times from sheer pain and heartache, when around her. I am just starting to understand what really living feels like, by taking care of myself. That means no matter what.... even if it hurts another. We are not supposed to hurt our mothers. Walking away, that has been the toughest part for me. I am a very traditional person to a fault. I hung in the ring, through way too many punches. I did not walk away, I kept going back with the childlike belief that if I did indeed just believe, love enough, keep loving~ it would fill my mother up and she could love. That is not my job, and never was. I took it on as a child so many years ago.
It became a part of my being, trying to make my mother happy,  much to my detriment. Clare went away, only to serve. I became very, very good at serving, anticipating others needs.  Actually quite excellent at it. My heart aches writing this truth, but the reason I write this, I am no longer wearing those chains of bondage.

I listened to a message my mom left on my cell phone a few weeks ago, as I was driving home tonight.
" You must be in Pennsylvania,  or sick, since I haven't heard from you."  Those were my options.
Out of town, or sick. Believe me, I have lived a life of sick, very sick most of my life. Debilitating illness that I have hidden many times. No more.  I know the root cause of that illness. The unhappiness and fear I have felt from being a nonentity. Desperate to be loved from a mother who is incapable of love.
I almost died trying to get her love. I surrender. It is not possible. Whatever tragedy has happened in her life that she cannot look at or overcome, created a heart that will not open in this lifetime. To never hug, never touch, or form the simple words, "I love you," without sounding like angry thunder and lightning.

So I begin anew, with so many things. A brand new babe in the woods at 50. It is time. A heart so much lighter. Letting go, so I can be fully present with this beautiful family that I have the greatest honor to live this life with.  I accept this hole in my heart. In time it will get smaller,as with each passing stage. The resolution phase is never easy. It's time to say goodbye.... to what never was. It's time to celebrate what is right in front of me now. I am one lucky girl, and I know this for sure.

Polar Bears

I never met my father-in-law, yet he has lived in our home, our hearts for many years.
He has been dead for so long, yet   he felt so alive to us through pain. The pain I have seen in my husbands eyes. That pain is beginning to lift.
Ray was listening to the song today, "Mr Wendal." It was the first time I saw him connect to his father in a very human way. He said after the song.... "My father was a Mr Wendal." That is how my story really begins. Ray's father became a homeless man in Central Park, in New York City,  living near the Zoo.
Polar Bear became his nickname.   Ray was a boy of thirteen when his father left his family. It had been building for many years. His father was an alcoholic, both parents   eventually became alcoholics, but mother stopped drinking. Papa Spencer unfortunately did not. He moved into the garage, and finally into another home altogether. The drinking ramped up, and the bank account  cleared out.

Off to New York  Al Spencer's next journey would be.  That was the last the Spencer boys ever heard or saw of their father. Ill equipped to deal with life as she now knew it, Ray's mother panicked. Sold the furniture, their belongings and a life of welfare, fear, and panic would be a very common theme for this family.  Ray's father had torn quite a bit of the house a part in the earlier years, while the family was away for the summer in Nebraska. That would be Ray's safe haven with Grandpa Petersen. Normalcy, consistency, bellying up at the Hotel Dale counter. Learning to drink his first cup o' joe with Grandpa Petersen. Summers with  Grandpa were Ray's pure joy ~ childhood.

 One particular summer on Ray's return home from Nebraska he found he  no longer had a bedroom.  Ray's father, in a very bold and creative mood started to remodel their home ~ then simply stopped. That was that. Ray soon moved to the attic. He was a very young boy and the conditions  he lived in would have anyone evicted in a home today.  My heart hurts for my husband, having seen the environment he grew up in. On the glass is half full side..... I know that is what made him who he is today. The brilliant, introspective, feeling human being that is limitless in his thinking. Sitting in that attic with just his imagination and some building blocks, he created his own world. He could put together anything. Soon would come the models and his love for trains. I think that's why he has that amazing left/ right brain balance.

As I sat today watching him, listening to this song," Mr Wendal," about a homeless man, not so far removed from what Ray has tried to outrun.  That The Polar Bear he has joked about.... that we both have is not out of cruelty. It is out of survival and so much loss and pain. Having to grow up at 13 years old and put his childhood away forever because his parents no longer were capable of being parents, and he knew it.  Choosing to hideout in a filthy attic rather than hear your mother ~ knowing something is very wrong with her as well.

I am in awe of this man I am married to, not only because he is my husband. He is just an amazing person. He would be one of my best friends, regardless. He  has taught me so much with his quiet dignity.  Against all odds. The way his mind creates,  the way he keeps rebuilding himself, recreating a better human being.  Always seeking truth. I respect him so much. Peeling away the layers from the past is never easy, especially when it is so painful. Standing shoulder to shoulder with his father.... Albert Spencer. Yes, he was a homeless man in Central Park and died that way. But he also was  an amazing artist who taught my husband even through his genes, sensitivity. How to feel, to paint, draw, create, to be passionate. Two great artists. The more we peel away the layers to this man and know his pain.  It doesn't take away the pain from a lifetime Raymond felt.... but with understanding, my husband and myself are learning a new level of compassion, empathy not only for this artistic soul, Albert Spencer, Ray's father the man I have never met.  For ourselves as well, and others like us.

The Fixer Upper

The sky is overcast but still very beautiful, as I look into our backyard. Dan Folgelberg is singing to me, all is right with my world in this moment. This month, actually next week reminds me of many Anniversaries in our life. We moved into this house nine years ago- next week. The kids had one day of school left, no stress there. This house was a wreck, a total fixer upper. We didn't quite know what we were really in for. At that time... 9 years ago, (hard to imagine with the state of the economy now) we had to make a decision very quickly, three other bids were in. Literally within hours we needed to decide, we did.

An older couple lived here, had for a very long time, well over thirty years and Papa Bear wasn't budging. He followed us into every room. It was very hard to just be alone with our feelings. I always wanted to live on a cul de sac, since I was a child. I thought that was very Regal Begal. The kitchen was just like the one from The Brady Bunch... but decrepit version from the 70's. Still my heartstrings were working overtime.

I have so much more compassion as I write, for the gent who was leaving his home. It was final destination... for his bride of 50 plus years or so, a Retirement Home with their Church. They couldn't get around like they used to, up and down the stairs, maintain the pool, take care of their home anymore... and it abundantly showed. I didn't get it then, I just saw a man holding on, getting in my way. Not letting me do what I needed to do. He was saying goodbye with every step,glance, touch of the home he raised his children in.Sitting on his Porch Swing as we, an excited family were exploring his World, and what he was so desperately holding on to. My tears flow freely at how difficult our transitions in life truly are. How hard it is for us to simply say... I need a moment. He sat silently looking to the Mountains as we tried to understand the place we would possibly call home. It was difficult for both of us.

We have redone this house top to bottom, it has not been labor of love. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I am still critical when I look at it, but I have developed empathy and compassion. More patience than I can tell you. What I understand now ... the lesson was about me, letting go. This mirrored how I felt about myself the day we stepped through the door to this house. Alone, sad, so much like the owner. The house mirrored the wreck I felt like. How was I going to like, love or be patient for something I was yet to understand?

The true peeling came, on the deepest layers, levels, in these past nine years. Much solitude
for a very outgoing person ~ that took some doing. The Brady Bunch Kitchen.... I wanted to feel safe in. I wanted Alice to come in and make it all better, whip up some delicious meal, have something witty to say. When was Mr Brady going to walk through the door with some sage advice?
Mrs Brady give her all knowing look. Funny thing, I met her when I was in Hypnotherapy School years ago. Thanked her... couldn't even speak, the child in me came out and started trembling. She was kind.

Throughout this process of tearing down and rebuilding, I found the Alice in me. The Mr and Mrs Brady. Now... it is time to learn once again how to be the kid. The irony of it all...
the joke in my family was we were the Brady's. We were three boys and three girls. I would be Cindy. Fifth child, girl. Period... that was my identity. Time to reinvent myself. I am me, Clare Spencer. No longer 5th child... just simply ME.

Lessons Learned

Today was a longer day than I have had in awhile. My heart is heavy. On one hand, the people I love were brought together and I am very proud of the end result~ something we accomplished as a team. On the other hand, I learned a powerful lesson about the person we were helping, the fact that she was perfectly okay with us doing all the work. The truth of the matter ... it shocked me to the core.

I just didn't see it coming. I am the type of person, when I no longer respect someone I can't even look at them. I wear my emotions in my eyes, on my heart. I would be the worst poker player. I don't care... hopefully it will keep me cancer free, from just saying how I feel, being in the moment enough of the time. I told this person ~ perhaps she should indeed join in the work party, after all... it was for her.

Excuse after excuse she provided. Talking on the phone, allergic to this, that... blah blah blah. I am not talking about a teen. I am talking about a grown woman~ in fear of losing her business, her income, her future.
The team that was gathered worked their asses off on a Sunday... because I asked them to join in on a Community Event... let's help someone rebuild. I do not regret this decision for one second.I pray this woman gets a second chance, and everything turns around. What has happened for me, watching everything all day... Arm chair Warriors sitting, while the hardest working people I know, turned something ordinary... into extraordinary.

Without integrity, respect, dignity, what do we have? for ourselves and those around us. The lesson was so important, I wouldn't change one thing. I will get over how I feel.
However in saying that, I learned that when I do not respect someone, and they show little respect in return ~ by their behavior, I have no interest, guilt, need to explain my behavior. I simply do what is best for me. Understanding that it isn't going to get any better in this situation frees me to move forward. Wishful thinking with this situation keeps me stuck. I do wish this person the greatest success... but the damage is done. Seen this movie enough times to know how it ends. I really am understanding more and more, when I hear about being in peoples lives ~ just for short periods of time. We live we learn, not always meant for the long haul. Just writing about this is has lightened up my heart.

Rusty

My writing is rusty, I am learning from that , trying not to judge it right now.
I have not written in some time, and my stream of consciousness just starts riffing...I am just going to roll with it. I listened to Ray read my story from yesterday and I cringed, but it is part of me. I think the part I have wanted to separate from, the human side of imperfection. The side I want to hide in my Clare Cave. When my writing, my weight,my life are finally the way I think they should be... then I'll come a callin'. What a concept...
play this one out, just let it be, and show up for the party as is. Hmm, interesting thought.


I guess the word I am looking for here would be...VULNERABLE. Aren't we all?
Isn't that the point when we don't want others to see the sides of our self that we deem unredeemable, grotesque, hideous, fill in the blanks. Someone could look at you and say, "What are you talking about, you look fabulous, what have you got to worry about?" meanwhile you feel like dying. The inner workings of each and every one of us is just that... OURS.


Not up for public display and discussion. We all have a right to be respected, loved, treated with dignity. Having boundaries allows this in our lives. Sometimes stepping back, taking a look at who our crew is, who fits, who needs to get off at the next port.That is the greatest gift I have given myself in moving forward. Allowing myself the space, freedom, permission to feel what I need. It's not about hurting someone else, but if it no longer fits, I can't force it. That's not good for anyone.

So, while I may feel rusty as hell, I know if I do not put myself out there and risk I will just be stuck. This is all part of the process... clearing away the cobwebs.Done it a thousand times before, will do it a thousand more times. Does it ever feel comfy and warm ~ no. But I know it will pass, I will break out of this place I am in... and become better. Clearer, stronger, more focused. That's just how it works.

Simplicity of Life

I haven't written in so long, it definitely comes in giant waves for me.I think the tide is once again coming in again. I have been thinking about what is important to me, or maybe about what isn't. I have done a clearing house ~letting go of what no longer fits. Sometimes it is just too much work while going through the process, to write about it. That wave wipes you out and carries you to sea, better wait until the sea calms......

This is the stage I am finally at, those riptides are way too exhausting for me now. I have had too many, I am ready for smoother sailing.
Hmm, I guess that's just how life works~ simplicity, what is really important and who.
For me it is now broken down very easily, I just feel it. It feels good, natural, right,
I trust my intuition, I have a knowing. That is something I didn't trust in my earlier years.I am not 100% with it... but I sure know when it feels wrong. My chest get's tight, my anxiety builds, I can't breathe, I am looking for the exit~ fast. My head get's dizzy, I may become irritable, well, that doesn't take much! The point is, I trust myself ~ if it doesn't feel right, that is enough.

I always looked for other's approval growing up. Being the 5th out of 6th child, and a girl, I just sort of went along with the plan. My older sisters were my brain. School, Church, Authority Figures were who thought for me. I may have been a secret rebellion (yes I was) but publicly I was a good robot,I did what was expected of me. I never thought to do anything other than that, I always was jealous of people that fought back. I literally would lose my voice when it came time for oral book reports, public speaking I was so shy.

I started waitressing at sixteen, and had to learn to have a voice, or no money.
Funny how the theatrics and drama can come out. It did big time... my shell was cracked.
I am still shy, it is just that I found a way through laughter and coming out of myself, through diversion. I still feel many times that I am introverted. I can only take so much, but to those around me, they would think I am extroverted. I think we learn a behavior that helps us survive. I left home at 16 and I needed to figure something out. The gift of gab would be the something I needed to get by.

I am quieting my mind now, not as necessary. Sometimes I dig it... just riffing, but now at times ~ endless silence. My hubby would dig the endless silence part, especially right around bed time. My most brilliant ideas come to life, just when he is most exhausted. Hmmm?

Simplifying is letting go, that has been the biggest one for me. Letting go takes on so many layers. Letting go that I am so far from perfect, which helps me love and accept myself. In turn I can love others and accept the more I love myself. Sounds so simple... it's peeling away enough layers to simply state, I am okay with who I am, and whatever direction I take.
Whatever misstep or mistake... how could there really be if it leads you down the road to YOU? Letting go of the judgement. Just saying simply I am enough. Bite sized steps are what I can handle. I have always been a dramatic LEO... thought I had to do everything in one fell swoop. Exhausting, exhausting, exhausting, not to mention very lonely and alienating when you think you have to do everything by yourself, and pretty friggin arrogant. Having to prove is a pretty heavy load to carry, too tiring. I just want to love and be loved, be a decent person and treat people well. Work on not bitching so much. Got the laughter thing down pretty well.
Definitely working on the JOY.... daily joy is a good thing. Peace,love, prosperity, kindness, all the good that can possibly be mustered up, I'll take it, but... got to have LAUGHTER.
Laughter, song, love, my family. Learning to let good friends in ~there is room for that in my heart. Greatest lesson of all this gal is learning in this lifetime.