The Dark Shadow

Today was an amazing day.  Ray and I celebrated our 28th Anniversary. We spent the day together,
driving, listening to music, going out to eat, window shopping. Always wonderful with him, always an adventure. We never know what road we will take ~ ever. Today was no exception, in every sense of the word. Of course it always does start on meandering roads foreign to us. Maybe that is the point.
Being able to let down enough  to just simply be.  I could feel words wanting to tumble out of my mouth that had been stuck, crammed in my throat for weeks. The timing simply never felt right.

Between power outages, Ray's crazy schedule, and then him getting sick this past week, I let it simmer.
I am not a simmerer.... more like shake and stir.  I am learning patience, it is coming.
I felt that usual lump in my throat, when a mixture of shame, fear, and what the hell is going to tumble out, and will I do  unspeakable damage with my forthrightness. I am like a steam train when on a mission,full steam ahead. Ray knows me so well after all these years. Let it come out.... just let it be.


This time even as I write this,  I feel horrified  and full of shame. The truth sets us free... I hope so.
I have tried to outrun so many things in my life, point the finger~ blame. Like the preacher or politician pointing the finger at  so and so, while doing whatever with whoever, I have tried to outrun me.
What I have come from in my family history : The Dark Shadow.  I sit here numb as my fingers no longer want to continue, hide in the shadows. So much easier to be anonymous, who will know?
I know and  countless other people in life carry the cloak of The Dark Shadow.  Born into a life
of shame and fear that becomes part of us, only by true examination can we heal these wounds.  Lifting this cloak of self loathing and judgement we can forgive ourselves, and in turn others.

I have kept myself hidden in so many respects, afraid to challenge myself because  I have been so afraid the hideous beast that's heart has beaten within me will rise once again.  Past hurts I have brought on people,
I have  never wanted to hurt those I love so dearly again no matter how many light years ago I brought this pain on.  I  see the family I come from ~ it's Dark Shadow's.  It has loomed over me, and I have run and run, not wanting to claim I have any part of the beast. It has nothing to do with me..... alas,
my conversation with my beautiful Raymond, letting The Dark Beast that is always lurking in the basement of my mind. I keep it starved, bound in chains, but it still yearns to come out in the light of day. Today, I let it speak. My fear... if I truly become me, I will lose us.  The hole in my heart is so big at times, having been starved and never fed by the proper nutrients as a child. Never watered with love,
positive affirmations of any kind, tenderness,  gentleness, nurturing,  anything that a child would need to grow and prosper. I learned to sneak and lie and betray at a very early age... to survive.


So many things I am not proud of, I have done. I have  gone from a very loud life from the past, to an almost hermit like existence for many years now for different reasons. First and foremost to let go of the me that no longer served it's purpose, and let the truthful me come out. I have allowed many years of healing and forgiveness to take place in this environment.  The one that did or did not serve me, hiding from The Dark Shadow. It is time to face this Beast. My fear is greater than the truth, or so I am told by someone near and dear. It  is now time to test that theory.  Yes there is the dark I have now acknowledged, but there has always been  light that has led the way for me in that darkness.
I am enough. I am all I have. This body, mind, spirit was given to me  to treasure and respect.
I have abused, feared, cursed it.  Now it is time to love and nurture myself.

The people who are my parents have not  loved themselves, how could they provide their children  with love, respect, nurturing, encouragement or guidance. The answer is, none of the above. I cannot continue this pattern of abuse to myself.... I do not to my children. I would never treat anyone as inhumanely as I have treated myself, waiting, waiting for a mother to deem me worthy of her love. It will not come. I  officially deem me worthy.  I put my arms around me, I will hold  me, I will rock me, just as I have my children. I will cry the tears for me that need to come... The Dark Shadow only lurks when it is just that, in the dark. I refuse. I release it all. Whatever it takes, freedom is worth everything and more. What is pride? I lost that so long ago, and it is and was false. Truth is all we have in the end.