Hey You

I chuckle at that thought of being called "Hey You," yet bristle at the same time.  It is not that  anyone in my life literally called me that. I suppose this is where some sort of explanation might come in handy. I am one of six children. I am the fifth of six.... I am the third daughter of three. That is who I am in my birth family. I was not and will never be just " Clare". That is something I will have to come to terms with and bury. No child in my family knew what it was like to be an individual ~ instead just So and So. We were each one of Six. We were a Unit.
I pulled away, my heart could no longer take being just that : Nothing. Identity~less.

Who could know the reasons  my Mother did this. I am sure in her mind, having been a School teacher she was trying to be fair to all. Also, she has never been attached to any sort of emotions,  practicality was the basis for most things for her survival. Other things just weren't so necessary or important.
Individuality was not high on the list. We had our School Uniforms which helped with meager finances, six children to tend to food and clothing needs - it felt as if we were to her,  a pain in the ass. My way off handling practicality as a child at times.... sleeping in my uniform. Why get up and do it all over again when you can just sleep in it and kill two birds with one stone.   I can only imagine how lovely I looked at school. I didn't feel the need  to groom myself fastidiously as a youngster. I always waited until the last second to crawl out of bed, so the Overnight  Uniform Thing really worked for me.
Being part of "The Hey You Crew" worked beautifully in these situations.  The younger kids were pretty much invisible to the naked eye in this household, so a wrinkled uniform was no  major issue.

"The Hey You" only started to be really differentiated from the other Crew, when it came to Schooling, The Have and The Have Not's... who was smart and going to be succesful, and who by inference were "slow"- decided by Mama.
The two youngest, that would be yours truly included would have the honor and distinction of being shelved as : "They ain't going anywhere," next. Yep, I was the decided  "Have not" early in the game, knowing it early on-by twelve years old.  I left home at 16... after proving my true  "Hey You,  Have Not" Status.

In all seriousness, I believe I have learned how to function, hang in the game from being a "Hey You."
From feeling invisible, actually being invisible, Space Ghost, sometimes I expect very little and am able to accomplish enormous things. I push myself very hard, from knowing so little was expected from me.... always proving my own personal best, no matter what.  I thoroughly understand I will never, ever be viewed in this lifetime as a "Have" from this family. The Parental Unit set that up along time ago. I can no longer ask why. It no longer matters. I wasted too many good years of my life chasing this one down. Why? Why?   Thinking I was mentally challenged from a young age, having heard my mother wonder what was wrong with me. All the negatives that led me to who I am today......striving to become the best possible me I know how to be. It doesn't matter how or why anymore ~ just  that I could become who I was meant to be.
I wouldn't change an ounce. It has been hard to accept tenderness, when someone says my name with sensitivity and kindness.  Clare, it is my name. One of Six... I need to let go finally and receive me- I am..... Clare.