You must be in Pennsylvania or sick

Beautiful Christmas music is playing in the background,  the fire is glowing beside me.
Ray is on his computer fiddling around, and I am feeling comfort, yet sadness at the same time as I write.
I realize there will always be a hole in me, my heart, but it is acceptable damage from where I come from.
I can finally move on and no longer try to correct the damage. The tears will come when they may, it is the price of my freedom. The beauty is what actually brings the sadness~ the calm. There is no more fixing, no more trying to figure things out. All the stages have been gone  through. No more grieving for what was. It wasn't. Ever. The life I have created, it is mine. Through my blood, sweat and tears. Joy, laughter and love. This beautiful family I have the pleasure and privilege of sharing it with.

      Tomorrow I go into another year with Ray.... our 28th Anniversary. I look up at him, and he smiles at me with the most  beautiful blue eyes. Love pouring out..... no matter what. Believe me, there have been a lot of no matter whats in 28 years of marriage. The biggest heartache he has witnessed is the relationship between my mother and me. As I write this, my heart feels nothing but sadness, because there is nothing left but the surrender. That is my Christmas Gift to myself and my family this year. it is not one that I have taken lightly, or given up easily.  It has been the most difficult decision of my life, but one I have needed to do to move forward. The pain involved in having a relationship with her has been so great, I had to finally become survival of the fittest. This time after all these years, it got to be me who survived.

I will always love my mother, but I believe now I can begin to really heal and wish her well, from the very heart of who I am.  I don't like the base animal that I had become at times from sheer pain and heartache, when around her. I am just starting to understand what really living feels like, by taking care of myself. That means no matter what.... even if it hurts another. We are not supposed to hurt our mothers. Walking away, that has been the toughest part for me. I am a very traditional person to a fault. I hung in the ring, through way too many punches. I did not walk away, I kept going back with the childlike belief that if I did indeed just believe, love enough, keep loving~ it would fill my mother up and she could love. That is not my job, and never was. I took it on as a child so many years ago.
It became a part of my being, trying to make my mother happy,  much to my detriment. Clare went away, only to serve. I became very, very good at serving, anticipating others needs.  Actually quite excellent at it. My heart aches writing this truth, but the reason I write this, I am no longer wearing those chains of bondage.

I listened to a message my mom left on my cell phone a few weeks ago, as I was driving home tonight.
" You must be in Pennsylvania,  or sick, since I haven't heard from you."  Those were my options.
Out of town, or sick. Believe me, I have lived a life of sick, very sick most of my life. Debilitating illness that I have hidden many times. No more.  I know the root cause of that illness. The unhappiness and fear I have felt from being a nonentity. Desperate to be loved from a mother who is incapable of love.
I almost died trying to get her love. I surrender. It is not possible. Whatever tragedy has happened in her life that she cannot look at or overcome, created a heart that will not open in this lifetime. To never hug, never touch, or form the simple words, "I love you," without sounding like angry thunder and lightning.

So I begin anew, with so many things. A brand new babe in the woods at 50. It is time. A heart so much lighter. Letting go, so I can be fully present with this beautiful family that I have the greatest honor to live this life with.  I accept this hole in my heart. In time it will get smaller,as with each passing stage. The resolution phase is never easy. It's time to say goodbye.... to what never was. It's time to celebrate what is right in front of me now. I am one lucky girl, and I know this for sure.