Moments of Sweetness

French Fries, drive thru style, always do the trick after a long night out, no matter how old you are.
Last night was no exception, and it was a long one.

We went to a 50th Anniversary Party for a couple I knew long ago. It started with a Mass, then a reception in the Church Social Hall. This couple was a big part of my life when I was at St Lukes School, around the age of fourteen, fifteen years old.
Celebrating their 50th, so there were some people I knew I was going to see. I was kind of happy  many did not show. The  saying, "There's no going home," well that has rung true for me since I was 16, when I left home more or less for good.

Being at this event rang even more hollow. I saw a few people I went to Grade School with, thankfully a couple of the fellas who have my sense of humor,  playful,  and that was wonderful.
Sitting in Church during the Mass for their Anniversary, I did the only thing I could....
took many photographs to capture how I felt. If I didn't do this I would creep even deeper inside myself, which I felt was already happening, as I looked around and had the vaguest of memories of some people that I saw from my childhood.

To entertain myself as a child sitting in Mass, I would look at people's shoulders. I never said I was normal, I would just do comparison studies of all the different styles of shoulders, and that would get me pretty far where I needed to go. Then I moved on to hair, styles and definitely lack of. Toupees askew, color variation, that fascinated me beyond, and then some.
So many things amused me as a child... some things never change.  Yesterday sitting in this beautiful old Church with Raym, I was just looking around at what felt like where I have come from.
Raym didn't grow up with any particular religion most of his life, and I grew up with such strict
Catholic upbringing, it made us kind of amusing together. Before we were walking into the Church and people were milling around, he said, " Do you want me to say Clare Gagliardi really loud?" Now I can take a joke sometimes pretty well, but my boy fellow almost got his teeth knocked in. I didn't even realized how tripped I was.

Facing our pasts is not always easy. Especially when you see 10 Priests on the Altar doing this Shindig.
Again... behind the camera, watching. I wanted to flee so badly, too much history. Two of the priests I knew from St. Lukes, one very well... way too many skeletons.   He was the one leading the Parade.
It's funny, even saying that again... The State Secrets I am revealing. I am so conflicted writing all this.  I have no problem with The Catholic Church, it just isn't my belief system anymore.

 Sitting down at the dining tables at the reception with a few ex classmates, we started chatting about past things we did as a kid.  Now it was particularly funny all these Priests at the next table over, but as we really got into the conversation it no longer mattered. I had no idea that my sister and my
"car heists" (sneaking my parents car out underage) were legendary round  Temple City.
I was fourteen, Anne seventeen we would take the family wagon on pleasure excursions  on certain Friday Nights with certain gal pals.  It just made sense. Now this gal at the table, very nice but quite sensible looked deep in my eyes and asked me if  would have liked to have done my life differently.... A redo perhaps? I just stared and said, " But how would I have known differently?"

That sums up how I felt at St. Lukes. I was me. How or why would I need or have wanted to do my life differently?  Yet, that was the constant message crammed down my throat and everyone close to me -You are not okay as you are. Yet as I sat in this Church last night..... I looked at who supposedly did it right and thought I will leave that one alone, I am a work in process.

What I do know, I looked around and knew that I had a perspective from where I came.
Festive evening, I was very happy for the couple celebrating 50 years.  The people I knew from a long time ago that were there last night, were just that and no more.
Only in my memory had I thought  there was more to it. Seeing things in the light of day, maybe that time was just what got me through until the next step and the next step and that is all.
Moments of sweetness.