But the difference this year, I have enjoyed just about every second of the ride.
Last night I went to the Neighborhood Pub Katie goes to with her friends. I have never in my life been to a Pub. I have been to Restaurant Bars in my younger days, just never a Pub. There were a lot of firsts last night. It was the first time my daughter and I went out together to belly up at a bar.
That is a funny statement in itself, and she would laugh because I do not belly up to bars or drink more than a few times a year. I decided I would throw caution to the wind last night, leave my control freak ways at home for the night and just let down, let go. The best part of all was Raym dropping us off at the front entrance in the minivan. Something so humorous about Pa dropping off his Gals. I felt like I was in high school with my gal pal, excited for what the night would bring us. I think my life was coming full circle in so many ways. Raym becoming the loving surrogate parent for the evening dropping me off. That was a first for me. I usually walked to high school functions or rode my bike. My dad never participated once, so it felt like a special kind of full circle healing that I couldn't have anticipated. I felt what it must be like for our daughter to have such an involved, loving father every day.
What a night when the wind takes you where it will. That is something I have feared being a complete and total control freak. I want a handbook at the front door. I look casual, calm, go with the flow kind of gal. Ah how looks can be deceiving!
Katie gave me The Readers Digest abbreviated manual of how the Pub runs. Walk in~ check.
People are friendly check/ check. Yet that didn't stop me from holding her hand as we walked in.
(My big, bad Leo self was a Scaredy Cat. It has been fifteen, twenty years since I have been in a Bar without the Hub.) I think we were pegged as a "couple" by two gals for the hand holding when we walked in, by the immediate "Why hello ladies." I always tell Katie I am the old butch chick in the relationship because we hold hands and hug a lot when we are out. People are surprised we are mother and daughter. I think perhaps because we truly enjoy one another's company so much. We found a seat in the bustling joint and I slowly started to relax.... the glass of wine didn't hurt either.
There were many interesting characters we met throughout the evening. I truly felt like I had been
living in a cave for a very long time. I watched my beautiful daughter so natural, singing, laughing... just enjoying herself. As the evening went on, and I have to admit the champagne flowed, my mood lightened too. Sometimes it is so difficult for me to let go and just get out of my head. I would have a wonderful conversation with a very interesting person, another would show up. And so it went...
A little later into the evening, a man came over who was friends with someone at the table. We started talking about neighborhoods, one in particular. The first house I ever bought, had lived in for 13 years.
He asked where, and when I said the address, his face turned white. Granted I had a lot of booze in my belly and I was not fully myself by this point of the evening... but I heard what I heard.
"My family lives in that house." I couldn't breathe. We just sat there staring at each other. Then the tears came. I have never met this man, nor been in this Pub in my life. There are a table full of people, some friends, other strangers. Yet the tears flowed and flowed and didn't stop. He told me they moved in 4 years ago and he recently moved out a few months ago. He wanted to know everything about the house. I was very happy to oblige. I have been so connected to that house.... deeply.
He told me of pain and grief that has occurred. The tears flowed more. I told him I did everything to purify the house before moving out. My grief, our grief had been tremendous, as our joy in that home.
I had shed so many layers of me in that house. It would be hard to explain that house.... but he knew.
It changes you. Some crazy force or energy working in there pushes you. Unfortunately his marriage did not survive. My heart went out to him.... I understood to my soul. I also finally let what I had not been able to from ten years of being away from it. Whatever happened we both let go of something big that we had been holding on to, a deep understanding for personal reasons of our own.
I cannot begin to understand what all of this means, the people I have met, but I do know it is about releasing, forgiving, letting go, making room for the new. Trusting that coming out of my cave~
I will make the right decisions. I feel like a child who is beginning anew. The sights are different.
Some peoples motives are pure along the way I am learning.... others are not. It is all okay.
It is part of the life I had shut out because I was too afraid to test. To fall down. I was terrified of failing, doing it wrong. The things I had not done in my youth having left home at 16. Growing up too fast, never experiencing the simple pleasures of The Innocence Of Girlhood. Am I naive at times... yes.
There are stages I have missed clearly. I have been in a relationship for 30 years. Hiding out from life does not work. Baby steps to finding who I am. Not as the wife of a successful man... just me.
Me for simply me ~ is a process. I have raised our children, and many others along the way. I am a writer. I am many things. I am so proud to be Matt and Katie's mom.... Raym's wife. That will always be my favorite role in life. But it is okay to want more.... my family wants more for me, they always have.
This Christmas the gift to myself has been letting go of the negative things and people in my life, so I could finally get to this point. Finally allow myself to feel these feelings, it takes a lot for a tornado to slow down. I am quiet right now. It is Christmas Eve, Katie is in the next room playing the guitar, singing. Matt is downstairs, unfortunately not feeling well. Raym is sitting next to me. Later this evening we will open our presents... as Christmas Eve has always been our family tradition. We are very simple.We have always preferred a very quiet time on this Evening, to express our deep feelings of love and gratitude to each other. The road this year has winded everywhere I could never possibly have imagined. I truly believe in days of past I would not have been as open to it. Could not have seen the small moments.... too caught up in "What needed to be done on the list." I am not even close to "that list", yet my heart is singing. I wish for everyone this Christmas.... the sweetness and simplicity of life.
Merry Christmas
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