Raym and I drove to Newport Beach last night to have dinner with some friends. We are not the most social of butterflies, it takes a lot to get us out of our nest. The drive down was quiet, which was very unusual for us. We always talk, at least this gal does. We had been rushing around getting ready, also putting together finishing touches on a gift we were giving our friends. Being a sensitive artist I got pissy when I was trying to finish up my project, when I felt Ray was hovering and not particularly supportive. This time my name was stamped on it. Being the wife of such an incredibly talented, creative man, I learned a long time ago... go with the flow.
It wasn't that he didn't care about my feelings, we were just in different spaces, but in that moment as anyone creative knows when you are trying to get something done, and someone is too close,watching,
breathing wrong when you are stressed and rushing..... well you get the picture.
So like I said, traffic from Pasadena to Newport Beach in rush hour I started with Meditation/Calm music until I was crawling out of my skin and cranked up the Disco. When he heard me replaying, "I will Survive," a Gloria Gaynor tune for the 4th time,well I think that cracked the ice. Funky Town was on it's way. I was in no hurry.... I had my disco if pissy lasted too long.
Gloria Gaynor took a back seat finally, and it seemed as traffic lightened up finally, so did our hearts and the conversation. We do not fight often, so when we get silent it is very loud. I can tell by the way Ray drives, when he is upset, it is more herky jerky than the smooth, controlled man I know. Like little anger spurts on the ignition, and then bigger ones. I would rather just chat. I am just like a bomb, an explosion, no mystery about when I am angry. I roar like Lion, than it is done and I will purr like a kitten again. This herky jerky was getting to me..... just say it or let's listen to Funky Town or some Rick James.
I think the bottom line I have come to from that long drive was this. I am coming into my own having always been the support system, the wife, mother of.....
To have the kind of family we have wanted, in order for it to work for us, this is what we needed.
Raym, in the earlier years when our kids were so young, worked for a Belgian Company. He would therefore fly to Belgium about every six weeks for years. Sometimes it would be literally at a moments notice. Adaptability has been critical. Especially because Raym is so creative, and how excruciating the creative process can be. Before Disney, he was a Consultant until 41 years old. That is quite an adjustment to begin at a Corporation, becoming a Team Member when you have always depended solely on yourself, good or bad it falls on your shoulders. Half the time he went to an office, the other half a home office. So giving him space to breathe, I have always been more than aware of this need.
Now, I think he is learning the same thing about me. It is a different dance.
Through my writing and photography, little by little coming back to life in different ways, he is watching me blossom.
The roles are reversing. I know how proud he is of me, my whole family is. They want to watch me fly. Having always been in the cheering section so long, it is hard to step out in front and say.... I want.
I always want my family to be happy, healthy, know how precious and loved they are.
I am listening, with new ears, really listening for all the good they want for me.
This New Year that is coming will be the year of really exploring, stretching, wanting.
I am so excited. I have such a wonderful cheering section leading the way.
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