Loved Beyond Measure

Christmas tunes are playing in the background as I am typing away.... the air is brisk, my mind is racing with all the things that I never possibly will be able to accomplish by the end of the day.
Yet this  Holiday Season is vastly different from any ever to date. I am present. I am letting things go.
What comes in the moment, instead of the perceived rules of the past no longer guide my North Star.
I think what helped me was going away last week with Raym and  just slowing down. That would have been a complete no no in days of past. I am understanding the spirit of the season like I have never been capable of.... ever. People.  Time spent with those you love. Taking  time. Running around, bitching, going crazy,  frantic, yeah, good times! I'm just not there so much anymore. I probably will always have a tornado inside of me,  but it is calming down to a dull roar.

I am stopping to smell the fresh air,  look at the twinkly Christmas lights. Watch the true joy in kids~  small and big alike. Taking time  for conversations that need to happen...  it's a stressful season. A very important one: staying away from what no longer serves me, so that my heart  can stay open to all the blessings that are in my life. That is the biggest one for me this year. It happens to come in the form of saying no. Has been a foreign language in days gone by.  I have not wanted to disappoint anyone.  I would take it for the team. Good girl syndrome.  Yet it comes out in other forms that are not so sweet, when the beast is released from frustration. By saying no, I feel for the first time in my life the true benefits, at first  shaking in my boots. Everyone will hate me... walk away for sure. Well that was the crew of users anyway. What else is new? But the side effects that have come from this. I wake up in the morning feeling alive instead of..... ugh, another morning?   I  am losing weight without so much frigging effort. I am trying new things, adventures, hey I am living! Letting go of the old that has trapped me, kept me a prisoner.

Has it been easy? No. The hardest thing to walk away from some situations that are heart breaking.
My survival and my families depends on it. My buttons get pushed to the point that I am so disheveled, depressed, unfocused and just plain sad. I cannot afford this anymore. I wish everyone well, as I wish myself the same.  What I have learned is~ it is just one day out of the year.   The cost of admission is just too high.  I used to think I was weak for walking away. I no longer care what anyone else thinks. I  care how I feel, my self preservation and mental health. Joy and dignity are pretty nice things to come upon. They are new, precious gifts that I do not take lightly. Those are my Christmas Gifts to myself. My Holiday wish for everyone.
To know you are loved beyond measure~ simply for every breath that you take.
Merry Christmas.