It is Christmas Morning as I write. The house is quiet except for the Christmas music I am listening to. I feel a sense of calm, peace and appreciation I am not sure I have ever known.
Natalie Cole is singing "Silent Night." I feel each word, the music, their meaning. Last night was by far the most peaceful Christmas Eve my family and I have experienced. Ray made a delicious meal. I tend to get much more complicated, formal. He breaks it down to simple elegance. I took mental notes.
We didn't do the usual table upstairs, seemed too formal. Everyone wanted to sit downstairs in the family room. The Christmas lights from the tree glowing, the fireplace warming us, we sat around the table and began to really unwind. It has been a long year that we all were ready to have draw to an end. Ray and I have a tradition on Birthdays, Holidays with our kids. We take as much time needed, going around the room one at a time, letting each person know what they mean to us. It was very moving, maybe because everyone's year had been a little more challenging. We always have shared so deeply from our hearts. This year more layers were stripped away and gratitude seemed to be the theme for one another.
I could not be prouder of the adults my children are becoming. Through trial and error, challenges, opening their hearts so wide to new experiences. I watch their fearlessness with awe. Most of all just how kind they are, willing to give even when their hearts get bruised. I have even more gratitude this year for Raym. For giving me the gift of skinning my knees.
That was our theme last night, how necessary skinned knees are and why I was especially proud of Matt and Katie this year. For banging those suckers up.... they both did a lot of scraping, I did too. I did not trust that I would be loved or have bandages big enough for my scraped knees. Of course that is fear talking, from the child deep within too terrified to do it wrong.
Raym, actually having been a teacher many years has such patience. His love is like the warmest blanket that wraps around you on a cold winters night. He whisks you in front of a crackling fire, while gently rubbing your back. Then, placing a warm mug in your hand.... whispering in your ear, "Everything is going to be alright."
I am so grateful to have this kind of love. I do not take it for granted. I appreciate it more this week,
this time of scraped knees, lessons learned more than ever. Trust.
While shopping about a month ago, I found the most incredible books for Matt and Katie. While reading the books in the store, as all the hustle and bustle of Christmas Shopping was going on.... I just stood there in the store crying. This book was so beautiful. It expressed everything and more how I feel for my children. This was the closest thing to how I express myself as a writer. In the end of the book she always writes "you are loved." That has always been my favorite thing to say. I knew this was meant to be. One was called, "On the Night You Were Born"... that was for Matt. The other was, "Wherever You Go My Love Will Follow," for Katie. Each read them aloud, it was a moment just watching, listening to them. Knowing they are at an age to drink in and understand how much they are truly loved by their parents. Ray and I looked at each other, our hearts one.
My family are the sparkliest jewels, Christmas lights on my tree, in my heart. Letting go and telling truth to myself has allowed me to be present this Christmas Day. It has gone against all that I previously believed was the right thing to do. It has been the toughest and best decision I have ever made. I chose life, love, health, happiness, a future. Merry Christmas to everyone, I wish you the same.... and more.
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