Looking Up

I am making a conscious choice, today right now. I am walking down a new road. Creating the life of my dreams. I have been off to a pretty good start, I think I just forgot to look up.

I have had my nose to the grindstone for so long, I didn't see the life I have created.

It is coming together. It has been bound tightly with guilt and shame. They no longer fit.

Now I see love, trust, faith, endurance, and beauty replacing the former occupants... bye bye.

The things I placed so much importance on, will now be placed neatly on a back shelf.

I have a renewed zest in health. Imagine that, tired of feeling sick? Hmmmm? 

It seems like a new way of life and acceptance I possibly feared, is coming to me. I have fought the quiet. Today when my hubby and I were  at   Home Depot, I asked him if I were hyper.  He just laughed and said of course. I wondered why no one gave me the memo. Isn't that funny that I don't see myself as hyper. I'm not really sure what I have seen myself as. Many different things, I suppose.

I am antsy and have a hard time sitting still, my mind goes a million miles a minute ,with one idea after another..... I exhaust the poor fellow. Seems normal to me. "Two speeds," he calls me.

On and off. I keep going until I crash. Time for another life of balance and kindness.

Knowing it is perfectly okay to rest. I have fought this my whole life. I have never been a good at rest person. The more tired I am, the more work I do. As if that will teach me, snap out of it!

Feel like a complete failure. I have always been jealous of people who go on vacation, and rest.

Walk on the beach. I come back from vacation more exhausted than when I left.

Time to learn the fine art of rest and relaxation. People come over our house and say it feels like vacation. I look at them like they are on crack. It  has been anything but that for me, for Ray because it has taken so much to create an atmosphere of beauty and serenity, from nothing. Less than nothing.

Today however, something changed. Raym and I went out and bought the simplest Weber kettle BBQ.

The gas BBQ we hardly used ~I think I know why. It didn't smell good. That wonderful BBQ smell

that only a real one can provide. We had so much fun.  Music was playing all afternoon in the backyard.

Matt and his friend were swimming, and all seemed right with our world. We had such a nice dinner, followed by the best s'mores. The sweet simple  things in life. I looked at my family, and my heart  welled  with such love and gratitude. This world I am creating, I don't think I need to worry.

I looked up today. It is here ~ now. I have done the leg work. Faith and gratitude go a long way.

Looking up is never a bad way to go. It was time, and boy  am I glad. What a sight.

My Convictions

I felt certain I was ready to make this decision. I take nothing lightly. Too much has gone on from the past for such flippant behavior. This past week has been Boot Camp. Hell Week. I have not written in weeks. I have had so many feelings brewing inside, I just didn't want to add more.
What I have is insidious. Only writing this, do I understand the trickery. Several things I bought into.
That I had come so far, I had done enough work. Let go of enough demons, I could downshift just a little. I always talk to my Doctor first. I decided I would self diagnose. Just a tiny bit. I know why. I did not honor myself. All the experts, The Naturalists on the Internet. Believe me, there is one every where I look. Until I saw Ron Howard  and Glenn Close again,  talking about real life. Through a little Angel who posted Mental Health issues today. Very uncool. Treat every one with herbs..... natural concoctions. Until it comes to YOU.

I am the "YOU."  This is my story. I am Bipolar. I played so slightly with fire, lowering my dosage of medication. Not very smart. Even when I write that word, I want to take it back and scream no, it's not me. I'm writing about somebody else. There's been a mistake. Just  say it's depression, sounds better.
I could feel my emotions starting to change. I figured it was only down by a third. I had conquered this beast. Until the depression and tears came flooding in~ again. FAST. I immediately started back a week later. I have allowed myself, this is one hundred percent on me~ to buy into societies belief that you can just take natural  remedies to cure all that ails. Guess what? I feel rage. Wait until it happens to you.
I am past being polite. Politically correct. I have been a good girl my whole life. I have listened, tried,
and done every possible method under the sun. Lighten up and let there be enough room for both sides.
Quit making people feel ashamed for needing help and not doing it  one way. Please.
That is the most narrow way thinking in existence. Why do you think people hide out in their rooms,
homes, darkened hovels? Judgement~  deciding that if they can't get better the natural way. Bullshit. Sometimes chemicals are just off. Are you going to blame someone with cancer, tell them if they don't do it naturally, they are bad, wrong? I am so tired of being ashamed, towing the line.
I will not hide who I am anymore. I have survived and thrived BECAUSE  of medication.
I tried every way known to mankind first for years. Thought and planned my death every day during that time. Just didn't work for me. Got healthier though. I love doing both. Still do. Just not
 going back there, that world~ to be anyones friend. To say I did it naturally. I am me. I am standing up proud, strong. I am a success story. I have come through. Not just come through, I have flourished.
Because of the help of my medication, therapy, psychiatrist..... most of all: LOVE. SUPPORT.
BELIEF IN ME. REBUILDING A HUMAN FROM THE GROUND UP. This is my life.
I am proud of me. I would never again want to be around someone who does not accept me for me.
That is my declaration. I have a family that is healthy and happy. Thriving. What more could I ask for?

What I Want

What amazing words there are in our vocabulary..... to actually say what I want. Not what I need, or what I can do for you. Need is entirely different than want. I need sleep. I need to brush my teeth. I need to eat and drink. But what do I want? That has not been one I have focused on too much in my life. Much more, what  others wanted so my life could run smoothly. That sounds odd, but it was the way it worked for me. It kept the fear down, the bugs out. The boogeyman at bay. I read minds, anticipated needs from a very early age.  Of course it was all fear based. I needed to have things controlled. Work for me in a very out of control household. I was not a disciplined child. I have become an extremely disciplined adult. This has taken many years to change the bad habits I grew up with. Work in progress.

How that came to be, I think desperation, and there was nowhere else to turn. I had to clean up my life.
Quite simply there was no one left to blame. It was not working,  very seriously out of control and not getting better any time soon. I was lazy, and was relatively okay with it from an early age.
I thought studying was stupid, when I could be out having a good time. Hmmm, good thinking!
No wonder I am such a late bloomer. I thought smart people rocked, had deep respect, envied them like nobody's  biz. Just never in this lifetime saw myself in that category, and no one was racing to tell me
I was Einstein. So.......... I took a very different road. The hard headed kind. I didn't know that all roads eventually lead you back to where you originally came from. Sooner or later you have to face what plagues you. I called it my "Retarded Gene." I truly feared I was retarded. I felt like something was wrong with my brain. My mother had told me time and time again, she spilled  hot water from the spaghetti on her stomach, when she was pregnant with me. Could that be when the gene kicked in?
In no way  am I mocking anyone with special needs.  I truly felt like I was special needs.

Only later in life in High School, when my teachers would comment that I had good writing skills,
did I begin to feel slightly humanoid. Of course at the time I did not believe them {my teachers}
when they told me to go to College to  be a Writer. I just thought they were on crack. {Well, maybe not crack, whatever was popular in the horse and buggy day.}I never heard a peep from my mom about College, or any silly thing about being smart. These teachers were definitely on something.
So in one ear ~out the other. Enough of that nonsense. Writing, who would ever want to read my stuff?
I hid it, kept it very close to the vest for many, many years. Actually until this year.
I set it free. Made it public. How many years later? I have never taken a writing class since High School.
It has been the Clare Spencer College  of one. I have been gun shy ~  about being self taught.
Didn't know the rules about Real Writers. Until I finally got out there and figured out there are no rules. I had to just learn, be a part of it. See for myself. Everything I took in College, interestingly~
not writing. Hmmmm? Immersed myself in everything Psychology. Just didn't want to pick that scab.

Here I am. All these years later. Can't stop writing. Some will like it. Some won't. That is no longer my problem. I write for me. To tell my truth. That's all I can do. These are my feelings , my experiences.
This is who I am, as I go. This is what I want. Simply to be me.

It's My Turn

Starting over again with anything is never easy. I feel like everything in my life is about that right now.
Take two ~ with my health. I am humbled because I am exhausted again. I went to My Ear , Nose and
Throat Doctor today. He performed  surgery on me almost three years ago, which changed my life significantly. I could not breathe. I had gone to many Doctors through the  years, all passing me along.
"Nothing out of the ordinary." "You are fine." Meanwhile I would get one infection after the other.
This has gone on my entire life. When I was sixteen, due to so many sore throats and infections I finally got my tonsils removed. Didn't change much, but I got to eat lot of ice cream.  I was thrilled I lost ten pounds during that time.

When I was three, I had  gotten pneumonia so badly I almost died. I was in LA Children's Hospital for two weeks. So began my immune system challenge. Having been given so many antibiotics through the years  and never getting to the true source of the problem, the problems merely multiplied. By the time I had gotten to my Doctor I was a mess, and no longer believed I could be helped. He is one of the leading in the Country for what I needed. Fancy that. He listened and understood. He got it. He seemed to get me. He told me I would be able to breathe again, I wasn't crazy. Music to my ears.

I had the surgery, and the quality of my life improved substantially. He also tested me for mono. I found out I had gotten that as a teen, that was part of my exhaust. Also tested me for Epstein Barr. Tested positive. He has a protocol, that he figured out while at USC that helps people with Epstein Barr regain strength and  energy. While he was in the Navy, as a surgeon it was used, so he brought it into his practice here in Los Angeles. Lucky us that he figured this stuff out. He is very compassionate.
 I began taking it. A shot every month that helped with energy. It seemed to be working fine.
I later decided to have mercury removed from my teeth. I knew for some time that had been a problem for me. I made the appointment, and  soon began this process. Again, another compassionate doctor.
I had seven removed in one sitting. One of the most grueling experiences I have been through.
I had two caesareans~ this was right up there. It was a very tough process. The exhaust on my body from the toxins, for months  after made me question many things.  I had this procedure this past September. It was done by an extremely competent Dentist, trained  specifically for this kind of procedure. I wouldn't have gone to just anyone, I wanted someone who really knew about mercury.
So, to be back at this state I am once again, this past month is very upsetting and mystifying.

I went to the ENT Doctor today again mainly just to pay a bill, stopping by it had been awhile. I love all the gals who run the office. Life has a way of challenging what you believe, where you are at.
I decided to stick around for an impromptu appointment. My Doc informed me it had been almost a year since I had last been in. Tension was in the air. We have always gotten along pretty well.
I felt his anger. Or was it frustration? I knew I had to do it my way, as always. He has been incredibly good to my family. We have been very grateful. I was not trying to be disrespectful in any way. I just needed to try something different. So today was our show down. Whoa. Two fiery people.
I  just didn't want to be back in a Doctor's Office again. I have lived so much of my life in those walls.
How could I explain that to him? I needed to fly out of the nest and try it on my own.

I  got some lunch and waited for the Pharmacy downstairs from his office to reopen. I felt so defeated and alone as I sat in  a small cafe, listening to hipsters talking about the movies they were working on..... producing. I knew Ray would have laughed and said, "Shoot me,  it feels like I am at work." We would have laughed about those "Hollywood Types" he has to have meetings with every single day. Instead I just sat there and said "shut up" in my head. A very weak shut up, I was feeling sorry  for myself, and quite lethargic. Time stood still as I fiddled with my food. I wished I was with a friend at that moment. All my independence and I can do everything alone.......I was feeling it all. Just needed a friend.

So back I went, prescription shot in hand, getting ready for that wonderful  needle in the hip.
Memories. I think I have fought this so much, because I could not will my body well. I have done
unbelievable amounts of letting go, especially since October. Body battering~ non stop.
Perhaps that is the point. I haven't stopped. Writing, releasing, feeling....... bleeding my soul.
My body is just fried. Any humans would be, but mine,  did not have this kind of energy in the first place. The twenty pounds I have gained, I sure am not digging. I do not like being a chubbette. I want to be back in my cute clothes. My basic black are not cutting it. Summer is coming.
Part of the weight gain has been feeling safe, while doing this work. The other part only now I am really recognizing, I am scared. Having let go of so many of my fears that have haunted me, I want to feel safe in my body all the way. I have exposed so much of me. My truths, my secrets, my life.
My little extra cushion has helped.   I have to face my feelings without stuffing my feelings, vomiting them, putting extra weight around my body to protect myself. I am here to protect me. I am more than capable of this. It is okay to be female. It is not a crime. I am not bad for it. It is okay to want to attempt to feel pretty. The Pretty Police aren't going to come after me and write me up for not being pretty.

I am who I am. I look how I look. I have never  really known how I looked. It has always been veiled
by voices from the past of anger, hatred, disdain. Monster images have always floated before me when I looked in a mirror. I have prided my self with wit and humor. Being a do~er. A pleaser.
Never just for me. Could never imagine that in the past. Today that is all changing. I believe my health shall, too. I am enough. I have done enough. I really can't do anymore right now, my body is screaming that. Somebody else can pick up the torch, for now. I have kept it burning a long time.
I need to just sit and watch the glow, simply bask in it. That is how I will heal,  I KNOW IT.
Enough Clare. You have done your job to date, and you will do it again. Time to rest. Heal.
Enough humble pie. I have had a lifetime of it. I am declaring, it's my turn.

Comfort Of Friends

   Last night I slept better than I have in a long time. I still woke up in the middle of the night.
But I was finally able to go back to sleep and feel like a human being. I know that is for many reasons.
Yesterday was a turning point for me. Having gone to Linda, my friend and Kinesiologist~who always helps me figure whats up when my body goes haywire. My body had gone haywire for about a month, but I was ignoring all the signs~ again. She quickly and accurately accesses the situation, and brings my fear down. The reason to begin with I felt like I was the walking dead~ my electrolytes were too low.
I could barely move. The pain of Fibromyalgia has been more severe than usual. She informed me my alkaline/ acid balance in my food was off. Time to change again. I am used to changing constantly.
Severe allergies, like I have said in the past.... too  many things to talk about that have happened to my body in this process of "Healing." I just usually don't say a word. Would scare most people off or bore
them to death, or the usual~just get over it. So I usually have said nothing through the years, kept to myself. My friends literally are the people who treat me. Chiropractors, doctors, because they understand   what my body goes through.  Yesterday was the first time I wrote about Fibromyalgia.  An old friend from grade school  lovingly told me she had very similar things in her life.  I can't tell you how less alone I felt.

I am realizing  more than ever the comfort of friends, being able to really communicate.
Say what is on your mind. I have always done it in my own home. My husband and children and I freely
express this. It is safe and necessary to build a healthy and happy home. It has taken many years to learn.
I have been gun shy in relationships, because my high need to say how I feel, good bad and in between.
This only positive shit is just not real. It get's you nowhere, and limits you. Darkness and light, yin and yang. Balance. It all is part of life. Twenty six years of marriage~ if we were all smiles, well that is funny in itself for anyone who has been married. But it comes with the territory. You get the complete package.
Everything, just like with kids. Matt is almost 25. I have been a parent for a while now. There are ups and downs. You just take the ride. Darkness falls and than the morning comes. It's how life works.

I have built a relationship recently with my sister, where there was once complete darkness, devastation.
I saw no light coming. We had one of the best lunches at The Cheesecake Factory yesterday, than I think we have ever had. I saw her in present moment, present time, for I think the very first time. Really.
Who she is today. It's been building up to that. There was just so much pain and unfinished history between us. She had softened. Changed. It has taken us months of both letting our guards down, working out the kinks. I think yesterday was the reward as we walked over to the mall afterwards,
into  Borders. Looking at Cookbooks~ James Taylor was playing in the back ground. I thought,
this is pretty good. We haven't done this in a billion years. I was happy. Such a simple act.
Two sisters in a bookstore together. These two sisters hadn't done this in a good fifteen years.

The same two sisters who were roommates, best friends. It was the three of us, when I started seeing my husband twenty eight years ago. The same two girls who would have Happy Hour for dinner at restaurants and laugh. We never had enough money, and never wanted to cook. There was always food at Happy Hour. Were each others Maids - of- Honor in our  weddings. Than distance came.
It would take many years to find our way back. This was the year. I never would have believed it could have happened......EVER. Miracles do. Forgiveness, growing up. Finding the true comfort of friends.
I look forward to all the catching up we have. Melding our families together. Really learning to trust.
We both want the same thing. I'd say we are off to a pretty good start. We weren't so different after all.

Everything Is Alright

The past couple of weeks have been some really difficult ones for me. For various reasons.
Mainly because I am stepping into a new phase of my life. Physically, I am very tired from doing nonstop work. My immune system goes down in these situations. I am in a catch 22. I want all the past to be in the past in one fell swoop, each stage I go through. I have a delicate immune system. I am working on this more than ever, good health is  what  am ready to solely focus on.
It has taken a beating over the years. I can focus on that more now.There just have been so many areas to cover in my life. So many fires to put out. Fortunately part of an incredible team I have had is Linda.
I have been going to her for seven years, she is one fabulous kinesiologist. She has helped rebalance me
on every level~ more time than I can say. This morning will be yet another time, after I finish this writing I will be sitting in her cozy office, laughing enjoying her company. She is a gem.
My body has been at a weakened state for several weeks, but I have kept going. With chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, not the smartest thing to do. I have been at a very good place with both of them, and believe I will be free of them soon enough. For now, I have to deal with one very tired and achy body.

Part of dealing with all of this, is being true to myself. Not what others words are anymore. Mine.
My voice, not approval from the well meaning. I have been there my whole life. That is over.
Mutual respect and support time. Or nothing. I have lived ten lifetimes just in recent years. I have plenty to say. I am realizing my value.   I know the tremendous courage it has now taken me. I have crossed through my raging river this week. It has been quite treacherous.
I have shed many tears and felt very alone, once again. Nobody could help me or do this, but me.
It has been the finishing chapter to get to the next. You've got to take the bitter with the sweet.
I have never understood or appreciated that more. I will never stop saying  how I feel.
If it is negative at times, or too dark~ than go find another friend. This  is part of the package
you get, for having the full Clare experience. I cannot possibly be all light and sunshine.
I am loving, fun, dark, irritating, very quirky, prone to sadness and full of laughter. That is what happens when a person is deeply sensitive. I am finally accepting that side of me. I will not put a smile on my face constantly. That was the death of me.
This is my declaration. That is what has kept my body sick. No can do! I did that as a child,
as we drove to church. Smile...... church faces. Even though warfare had come right before, and after.

I am making my declarations, yes. Before I did not see my value. I do now. I am now choosing what is important to me.  I only have so much energy. I have overlooked that, with this fragile immune system I am dealing with. I have not respected myself. I have put others needs first, always. No wonder my body has had no chance to heal. I have not allowed it. Today when I visit Linda, the Kinesiologist,
I will find out what my body really needs NOW~ Today~ and honor it.

I have let go of years of thoughts, feelings, people in the past few weeks. It has been difficult.
 It would be difficult for anyone. I want love. I am ready. I give love, I need to let down and receive, trust in love. Equal love. Not needy. I have equal from my husband, more than. I need to give back to him so much more. He has sustained me, protected me, so I could do this work. He has loved me in the truest most unselfish sense of the word. Now it is time to take care of my body. I have taken care of my
emotional, spiritual, for so long. My body has lagged. Something had to give, with each jolt, change.
Every fear I faced. I had to feel it somewhere, it had to come out. It has, for years in my body.
My receptacle is worn, frazzled. Great repair is needed. My soul and spirit have healed and mended.
I have let down my walls, and come to a place of truth in my life. In doing that, I have trusted many untrustworthy people. That is par for the course. Many wonderful people have come in as well.
I have become much more selective. Just like on FaceBook, keeping my "Friends" numbers down, so do I in life. I prefer intimacy. I like getting to know a person, I don't understand constant adding.
I understand in this networking age it is necessary but I wonder, how many friends can you possibly have or need? If you have two or three in life that are really  close,  you are lucky.
What does adding on do, when it is not for business? How will you ever have true intimacy in your life, if you don't slow down long enough to just talk? I may be very simple, but that is how I always have thought.I want to take time with just a few, my friends. I had a lifetime of being spread too thin.  It doesn't make you, or your other friends feel valued.

I am slowing down. Weeding out. Enjoying the ride. Conserving my energy. Finding my greatest passion. Loving the people who are in my life, with all my heart...... and showing it.
Everything is alright. I am ready to be where I am now~ because I say so. Feels so good.

Acceptance

I can only be in this moment. Accepting it fully. I am here.  That is a tricky one.
Acceptance. No more fighting, proving, cajoling, staying. My heart has been heavy because it is in motion again.  So many changes this year. More than anytime in my life. The fast and the furious.
Lessons  that I have had to be the teacher and the student. Who has graded my paper?
My classroom has been an incredibly lonely one. It has been a student of one. Especially with my writing.
Learning how to type, edit, and put out my work all at the same time. I put my faith in myself.
In such a short period of time, just since this past October. Really learning how to use the computer, coming back out to life. I have kept only to myself, my family for so many years now. I have been very comfortable that way. After all the years of heartache and lessons that I have overcome.
Mind numbing, never ending. It's hard to believe  fourteen years of self imposed exile has come to an end.

The girl who had endless parties and BBQ's. The social butterfly. How my life changed, for so many reasons.
I have paid dearly. I have learned, more importantly. I am not the same person I was back then.
It has so little to do with age, I am so much younger now. My heart, my life. I am looking  back.
That is the only way I can gauge where I have come from. What I came from ~ a very impatient
girl who wanted instant gratification at times. A lot of things I didn't earn, especially respect.

The road has been painfully long, I suppose because I am so hard headed. I needed to learn things over and over again. I have been very angry, slow to forgive. It has taken me a long time to see it has damaged me the most,
even more than the person I have not forgiven. Plus,  the thing I really needed to learn the most.
Empathy. That is why this road has taken so much longer. I had no empathy for myself.
How in the world could I possibly have had empathy for anyone else?  The little girl who sat alone in the dark waiting for mommy to come rescue her. Mommy never came. The teen still waiting for a rescue
when those in power were doing unspeakable things. No one came. As an adult, going for help, history repeating itself yet again when asking for help~ risking. It was too much for me.

My testing would really begin when I was pregnant with twins I wasn't expecting.  It was a difficult pregnancy, and  I delivered two girls prematurely stillborn. It was the beginning of my truest healing in life, through the cruelest vehicle.  I don't know if I would have woken up, had the pain not been so great.

I felt like I could not be tested anymore. Little did I know that would be  just the beginning of my
life of quiet. Turning inward. Self discovery. Going from complete utter darkness, daily prayers for death, asking my husband to fulfill that wish every night as he returned home. My depression, darkness, loss, utter despair was a black hole. It lasted seven years. I did not know about post partum depression,
my chemicals in my body being off. I just knew I didn't want to be on this planet.

Finally I got help. I never stopped self discovery even in my darkest days. I never stopped praying, begging God to help me. Never. I just wanted the excruciating pain to end. Slowly with a
 tremendous and loving team of people who I literally owe my life to. I came back. They always told me     I had worth even as I stared blankly, crying. For a long time. They never gave up on me.
Ever. My love and respect for them is so high. I cannot even put it in words. They know.
My husband, who loved me through hell, and it was hell. Nothing short of it for so many years.
A catatonic wife. One who used to be filled with life and joy. Neither of us understood what had happened to me. It would take so long to explain, I don't know if I could hold anyones interest.
My body went haywire after  our twins died.  Besides physically, emotionally I went away.
My body was shocked from past traumas. Too many. It was time to do the work. My body was taking this opportunity. That's what my life has been about{ along with loving my incredible family} until this year. My coming out party to life again. Putting the pieces back together. Mrs. Humpty Dumpty.
Trusting, friendships. Learning about life. Computers. Feeling alive probably for the first time.

I always was mom to my kids, no matter what. I always got "Up with the people, "
then went back in my room. I have always had a great ability to normalize things.
People who have grown up with abuse usually do. So here I am . How I got on FaceBook,
writing, meeting people. I don't know? I would never have believed it in October.
What changed everything for me ~ October I faced my greatest fear. I walked into my Nieces Wedding,
and  faced someone who had done enormous damage to me as a child. I literally thought I was going to die. I didn't. It changed me ~ it got me to face everything. Because of standing up for that kid in me, I am here now. I am not afraid anymore. I am definitely chubbier this year. I am more exhausted.  Sometimes I don't know what I am, but I do know this.... I am free. I have faced so many fears head on.
If the worst thing I can say is I have packed on a few pounds, which I am on my ass about constantly,  I think it is time to lighten up. They will come off again. I have needed to feel safe. I lead a very clean life. If M&M's do it...... than cool. Let it be. I am who I am. I am listening to "This is it," Kenny Loggins.
"Make no mistake where you are, the waiting is over...... nowhere to run, nowhere to hide." I accept.