I love this moment right now. It is very early morning. My family are still safely tucked away in slumber.
I am learning what a restless spirit I am, the more I write. I hear the buzzing of the pool motor.
It seems my thoughts have a hard time taking a nap. So I write. This was not such a problem before
when I Ignored my emotions, stuffed them away. Banished them to some far off kingdom.
They now want to see the light of day.
In this quiet I am able to see , to understand all the changes occurring.
I have been so impatient with myself, so unkind. Yet to another, to a friend I would say:
Be proud of yourself. Look how far you have come. You have to be vulnerable - willing to risk.
How does anyone move forward, without making mistakes. Lot's of them.
Moving sideways, then up and down. It isn't ever a straight line forward, that much I know for sure.
I still don't have the big picture of where I am headed. But here's the good news.
For the first time in my life, there is a BIG picture. I am finally in this picture.
Front and center. I am no longer hiding in the back crouched down.
This is MY life. I am waking up. I want to be here for it.
That has not always been the truest of statements. Today I can honestly say I am welcoming myself.
I have waited for what - who? The ghosts of the past. From a little girls broken heart.
I am a grown woman with a family of my own.
My celebrations, my traditions begin with me.
Only in this complete stillness my heart can understand: Where I have come from, and where I am finally ready to be.
Right here, right now with this family I so dearly LOVE and can't imagine living one second without.
Even and especially in this confusing , frustrating, wonderful life I have been given.
It is mine to figure out. I wouldn't trade it for anyone else's.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
This Is What It Looks Like: Change
Music building as I cross the finish line. The beat takes on a frenzied pace, as the crowd stands and cheers.
Dead calm. All eyes on me waiting for my speech. Great words of wisdom. The towns people chanting in hushed tone:
Clare, Clare, Clare Clare, Clare.
This is so far from a dream. This is every cliche my childhood mind gathered together to compile into one.
I put my name in it for a gag. I did not have any idea where this story would lead me today. Now in this moment. I let it lead me.
What comes up in my heart: Sadness. Despair. The realization of what I come from. What I have had to build
on to become me.
My soil was cracked, leather, dry. Never watered. Where was a dream to be dreamt in this arrid soil?
I see in this moment as I write. Young sweet children, my brothers and sisters and myself so desperately wanting
to be held, nurtured. The simplest act would have made all the difference. "Oh honey look at you, you are the prettiest little girl."
"Of course you can do that, you are the smartest little boy." "Look at my little girl swinging, doesn't she look like an angel? "
This is what change looks like. Guess what, we all get to cross the finish line. We just were never taught it as a team sport.
We were always taught to be cross town rivals. I don't want to finish the race alone anymore. I thought I did. It felt like I DID.
That competitive team spirit was driven in my blood. All our blood. Even when I was the World Class Underdog, Underachiever. I still wanted to wanted to win. But at what cost?
Our large family does not know how to be a family. We were not taught that part by our parents. That is something we will have to figure out as time goes on. Through forgiveness and healing.
We all came from that inhospitable desert. I am learning to live where the soil is moist and has rich nutrients. This is what change looks like. It is a process, ongoing- constantly unfolding. Taking you places that can unexpectedly surprise you.
Clare, Clare, Clare, Clare. I will cheer for me. I kind of like the sound . I need to get used to being my own cheerleader. It's about time.
Dead calm. All eyes on me waiting for my speech. Great words of wisdom. The towns people chanting in hushed tone:
Clare, Clare, Clare Clare, Clare.
This is so far from a dream. This is every cliche my childhood mind gathered together to compile into one.
I put my name in it for a gag. I did not have any idea where this story would lead me today. Now in this moment. I let it lead me.
What comes up in my heart: Sadness. Despair. The realization of what I come from. What I have had to build
on to become me.
My soil was cracked, leather, dry. Never watered. Where was a dream to be dreamt in this arrid soil?
I see in this moment as I write. Young sweet children, my brothers and sisters and myself so desperately wanting
to be held, nurtured. The simplest act would have made all the difference. "Oh honey look at you, you are the prettiest little girl."
"Of course you can do that, you are the smartest little boy." "Look at my little girl swinging, doesn't she look like an angel? "
This is what change looks like. Guess what, we all get to cross the finish line. We just were never taught it as a team sport.
We were always taught to be cross town rivals. I don't want to finish the race alone anymore. I thought I did. It felt like I DID.
That competitive team spirit was driven in my blood. All our blood. Even when I was the World Class Underdog, Underachiever. I still wanted to wanted to win. But at what cost?
Our large family does not know how to be a family. We were not taught that part by our parents. That is something we will have to figure out as time goes on. Through forgiveness and healing.
We all came from that inhospitable desert. I am learning to live where the soil is moist and has rich nutrients. This is what change looks like. It is a process, ongoing- constantly unfolding. Taking you places that can unexpectedly surprise you.
Clare, Clare, Clare, Clare. I will cheer for me. I kind of like the sound . I need to get used to being my own cheerleader. It's about time.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Reconnecting
It has been over thirty years since I have seen or talked to a very dear friend of mine. This week, thanks to Face Book, we have been given another opportunity to reconnect. The joy in my heart is like a deep well. The sadness, that same well.
My dear friend is ill. I do not know how ill. My intuition tells me: VERY ill. I do not have her phone number, she asked me for my e-mail address with the promise she would get back to me right away. So, I wait. My heart knows no difference of the years that have come between us. Time has brought us together again.
I felt an impending sense of expressing all of what she has meant to me. Yet my words felt so trite. Time has brought my friend and I together again, both of us joining Face Book about 2 months ago. I miss my friend. This makes me want to let those I love know even more, and without a moments hesitation:
I love you with all that I am. My words are meaningless. Please listen to my heart. Look into my eyes. Forgive my ignorance, when I didn't listen. It wasn't for lack of loving you. You have meant more to me and made my life better, even when we fought. I raged. You helped me grow. Your kindness I sometimes took for granted. I can't re- wind that one. My heart loves you even more for loving me- through all of my humanity.
You are priceless. I can promise you this. From the love you have filled me with unselfishly my friend, when your time comes, you will not be alone. Wherever you are I will find you. I will hold you through your long winter night until you take your last breath on Earth.
Because, you are my friend.
My dear friend is ill. I do not know how ill. My intuition tells me: VERY ill. I do not have her phone number, she asked me for my e-mail address with the promise she would get back to me right away. So, I wait. My heart knows no difference of the years that have come between us. Time has brought us together again.
I felt an impending sense of expressing all of what she has meant to me. Yet my words felt so trite. Time has brought my friend and I together again, both of us joining Face Book about 2 months ago. I miss my friend. This makes me want to let those I love know even more, and without a moments hesitation:
I love you with all that I am. My words are meaningless. Please listen to my heart. Look into my eyes. Forgive my ignorance, when I didn't listen. It wasn't for lack of loving you. You have meant more to me and made my life better, even when we fought. I raged. You helped me grow. Your kindness I sometimes took for granted. I can't re- wind that one. My heart loves you even more for loving me- through all of my humanity.
You are priceless. I can promise you this. From the love you have filled me with unselfishly my friend, when your time comes, you will not be alone. Wherever you are I will find you. I will hold you through your long winter night until you take your last breath on Earth.
Because, you are my friend.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Giving Thanks
As I am dancing in the kitchen with my daughter and her darling boyfriend to Donna Summers,
sipping champagne and truly enjoying myself I look around : What is finally right with this picture.
It is Thanksgiving Day. I don't remember ever being truly present for any Holiday. Not for lack of trying. Just sheer pain of not fully being able to let go of so many ghosts of the past. I always have gratitude and love for and to be with my husband and children. They are and always have been my heart. This year was different. I FELT present.
I enjoyed the smells, cooking with my family. Hearing the kids laugh. Watching the boys, who will one day soon be brother- in laws,working in perfect harmony as they mashed the potatoes.New traditions our traditions are being built. Setting a beautiful table. Finding berries outside and making a natural table setting. Letting berries twigs and pumpkins be enough. My sweet husband says the table looks so beautiful.I am noticing the love in his eyes. I feel the love in my heart.
. Before it had to be such a to-do. It was exhausting. I learn a lot from my family in all their natural ways. They just "are" I in turn am re- learning to just "be."
Even the act of connecting to the people I love. I have never called anyone up on a Holiday. Today I did. Just the simple act of e-mailing. Dropping a quick, I love you. I am thinking about you. You are special to me. It has been an amazing feeling to connect. To love and be loved. I am learning traditions that my family and I are enjoying. Healthy -Loving- Ours. We speak from our hearts what we are grateful for. We are each other's closest friends, all saying the same thing to each other. The desire to be in each other's company. Not because we don't love being with other's. We all definitely do.It's just the fit is like pieces of a puzzle . I couldn't give thanks more for that.
sipping champagne and truly enjoying myself I look around : What is finally right with this picture.
It is Thanksgiving Day. I don't remember ever being truly present for any Holiday. Not for lack of trying. Just sheer pain of not fully being able to let go of so many ghosts of the past. I always have gratitude and love for and to be with my husband and children. They are and always have been my heart. This year was different. I FELT present.
I enjoyed the smells, cooking with my family. Hearing the kids laugh. Watching the boys, who will one day soon be brother- in laws,working in perfect harmony as they mashed the potatoes.New traditions our traditions are being built. Setting a beautiful table. Finding berries outside and making a natural table setting. Letting berries twigs and pumpkins be enough. My sweet husband says the table looks so beautiful.I am noticing the love in his eyes. I feel the love in my heart.
. Before it had to be such a to-do. It was exhausting. I learn a lot from my family in all their natural ways. They just "are" I in turn am re- learning to just "be."
Even the act of connecting to the people I love. I have never called anyone up on a Holiday. Today I did. Just the simple act of e-mailing. Dropping a quick, I love you. I am thinking about you. You are special to me. It has been an amazing feeling to connect. To love and be loved. I am learning traditions that my family and I are enjoying. Healthy -Loving- Ours. We speak from our hearts what we are grateful for. We are each other's closest friends, all saying the same thing to each other. The desire to be in each other's company. Not because we don't love being with other's. We all definitely do.It's just the fit is like pieces of a puzzle . I couldn't give thanks more for that.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Taking Risks
In the last couple of months, I have never taken so many risks in my life. I feel as though my heart has literally been ripped open. I realize that is how much I have been protecting it. There are so many "new" experiences, that I used to do in the privacy of my own world. I am a late bloomer. Now I am making my mistakes publicly in my late 40's. Probably the learning curve when most discovered these things, in their early college career. I am experiencing it now.
I have shed many tears of humiliation, fear, loss,but most important: I am growing. The terrain is unfamiliar, yet I expect to magically know how to arrive without a map or tour guide. That is the beautiful ignorance of youth. Leaping right in. Not worrying so much about the bumps and bruises along the way. The things that go thump in the night. I am trying to see with the eyes of a child again. Excited, new. Yet the wisdom of years. Learned patience and dogged persistence.
Most important, knowing I will not die from stretching, risking. I have been anxious to the point of dizzy, nauseous. Again with age I realize I am growing. This is what it looks like, feels like. Kind of like getting used to riding a bike. At first you think, no way. I am never going to get the hang of this. Frustration sets in. Yet you keep trying. Finally one day, you don't even notice yourself shouting at the top of your lungs, with the biggest grin on your face,"Look ma no hands."
I have shed many tears of humiliation, fear, loss,but most important: I am growing. The terrain is unfamiliar, yet I expect to magically know how to arrive without a map or tour guide. That is the beautiful ignorance of youth. Leaping right in. Not worrying so much about the bumps and bruises along the way. The things that go thump in the night. I am trying to see with the eyes of a child again. Excited, new. Yet the wisdom of years. Learned patience and dogged persistence.
Most important, knowing I will not die from stretching, risking. I have been anxious to the point of dizzy, nauseous. Again with age I realize I am growing. This is what it looks like, feels like. Kind of like getting used to riding a bike. At first you think, no way. I am never going to get the hang of this. Frustration sets in. Yet you keep trying. Finally one day, you don't even notice yourself shouting at the top of your lungs, with the biggest grin on your face,"Look ma no hands."
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Sometimes A Name Is Just A Name
What power a title holds. It can make us jump through hoops, or stay in fear. Possibly command total respect.
A simple name yet the implications of that name are so very far from simple.
For one person the title of Mother, sitting with her precious child by the fire conjures up warm and toasty feelings on a cold winters night. Mugs filled to the brim with hot cider, the heavenly aroma of a roast wafting in from the kitchen. Soft music serenades in the back ground as the two are engaged deeply in conversation.
.
Enter another scenario just down the road. Same evening, pans clanking in the kitchen as venom is being spewed thickly, like a dark vaporous cloud into the air. The atmosphere now touched by the anger of unspoken resentment built throughout the years. A yell bursts out and falls like a thud." Dinner"
barked from mother to daughter. Then eaten in angry silence. Shame casting a crimson wash around the daughters face.
Titles that are given it would seem to me also need to be earned. I would say the cost: Dignity. Respect.
Being a parent, teacher, doctor, friend does not come with automatic rights. Just because there is a title attached.
What I am learning more than ever is to respect myself. In doing so if something doesn't feel right, NO MATTER whose name is attached to the title. I make my choice based on behavior, which by no means comes easily or naturally for me. The title thing still throws me. I'm just not willing to feel like shit anymore. Yet that is how I choose to honor myself. I honor others who deserve my respect, and I am living the life I am meant to, and have always dreamed of.
I am stepping out of my own way. It is sometimes frightening, yet there is no other way. I want to move forward more than I want to stay in fear.
A simple name yet the implications of that name are so very far from simple.
For one person the title of Mother, sitting with her precious child by the fire conjures up warm and toasty feelings on a cold winters night. Mugs filled to the brim with hot cider, the heavenly aroma of a roast wafting in from the kitchen. Soft music serenades in the back ground as the two are engaged deeply in conversation.
.
Enter another scenario just down the road. Same evening, pans clanking in the kitchen as venom is being spewed thickly, like a dark vaporous cloud into the air. The atmosphere now touched by the anger of unspoken resentment built throughout the years. A yell bursts out and falls like a thud." Dinner"
barked from mother to daughter. Then eaten in angry silence. Shame casting a crimson wash around the daughters face.
Titles that are given it would seem to me also need to be earned. I would say the cost: Dignity. Respect.
Being a parent, teacher, doctor, friend does not come with automatic rights. Just because there is a title attached.
What I am learning more than ever is to respect myself. In doing so if something doesn't feel right, NO MATTER whose name is attached to the title. I make my choice based on behavior, which by no means comes easily or naturally for me. The title thing still throws me. I'm just not willing to feel like shit anymore. Yet that is how I choose to honor myself. I honor others who deserve my respect, and I am living the life I am meant to, and have always dreamed of.
I am stepping out of my own way. It is sometimes frightening, yet there is no other way. I want to move forward more than I want to stay in fear.
Monday, November 23, 2009
STEPPING THROUGH THE DOOR
WHAT DOES THE WORLD YOU DREAM OF LOOK LIKE? CAN YOU ENVISION IT? - IS IT HAZY? FOR ME, I HAVE TO BREAK DOWN THINGS IN A VERY SIMPLE MANNER. SOME BUILD THE HOUSE. I BRING THE FLOWERS AND ENVISION WHAT THE DOOR WILL LOOK LIKE, AND GO FROM THERE. I USED TO BELIEVE THERE WAS A RIGHT OR WRONG WAY OF DOING THINGS. THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT OF PRESSURE FOR ONE LITTLE GAL. I AM LEARNING MY WAY IS NOT SO BAD. THAT IS NOT DISRESPECTING RULES- QUITE THE OPPOSITE. FINDING A MIDDLE GROUND SO I CAN FUNCTION. MORE THAN FUNCTION. HOW ABOUT THIS CONCEPT. THRIVE.
SOMETIMES MY DOOR IS PURPLE- THAT I WANT TO STEP THROUGH. VELVET SO WHEN I TOUCH IT I FEEL SAFE. PLUS IT IS MAGNIFICENT, I AM ROYALTY. IT IS PLAYFUL. IT FILLS MY HEART.I AM AQUEEN IN MY COURT, AND THOSE BIG FANCY DRESSES THAT I TWIRL AROUND IN- HEAVEN WHAT A COLOR, WHO DOESN'T FEEL GOOD WITH PURPLE- WELL I DO.
THEN I LOVE TWO BIG GIANT RED BARN DOORS. VERY ROUGH, AGED. THEY CAN TAKE WHATEVER I DISH OUT
AND THATS A LOT. IT CAN GET ROUGH AND TUMBLE THROUGH THOSE DOORS- IT SEE'S ME IN ALL OF WHO I REALLY AM AND STILL IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS.
ON TO THE PERFECTLY WHITE PRISTINE ONE. NOT A SCRATCH. FOR THE ANAL SIDE OF ME. WHEN NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH- I DON'T DO IT RIGHT, CAN'T GET IT RIGHT. MANY HOUSE KEEPERS TO TAKE CARE OF ME.I AM LOVED BEYOND MEASURE NO MATTER HOW MANY MESSES I MAKE EVERYTHING CLEANED UP LICKETY SPLIT.
MY FAVORITE- THE NO DOORS HOUSE. I AM LYING BY A GREAT BIG OAK TREE, SHE IS MY SHADE WHEN THE SUN BEATS DOWN ON ME.IN THE EVENING SHE WRAPS HER LIMBS AROUND ME AND KEEPS ME WARM. THE WIND BLOWS, SHE STANDS STRONG AND MIGHTY, CALMING MY FEARS AS I HUG HER TIGHTLY.
" NOW NOW", I HEAR HER WHISPER SOFTLY IN MY EAR, AS I CLOSE MY SLEEPY EYES. ALL IS WELL.
SOMETIMES MY DOOR IS PURPLE- THAT I WANT TO STEP THROUGH. VELVET SO WHEN I TOUCH IT I FEEL SAFE. PLUS IT IS MAGNIFICENT, I AM ROYALTY. IT IS PLAYFUL. IT FILLS MY HEART.I AM AQUEEN IN MY COURT, AND THOSE BIG FANCY DRESSES THAT I TWIRL AROUND IN- HEAVEN WHAT A COLOR, WHO DOESN'T FEEL GOOD WITH PURPLE- WELL I DO.
THEN I LOVE TWO BIG GIANT RED BARN DOORS. VERY ROUGH, AGED. THEY CAN TAKE WHATEVER I DISH OUT
AND THATS A LOT. IT CAN GET ROUGH AND TUMBLE THROUGH THOSE DOORS- IT SEE'S ME IN ALL OF WHO I REALLY AM AND STILL IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS.
ON TO THE PERFECTLY WHITE PRISTINE ONE. NOT A SCRATCH. FOR THE ANAL SIDE OF ME. WHEN NOTHING IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH- I DON'T DO IT RIGHT, CAN'T GET IT RIGHT. MANY HOUSE KEEPERS TO TAKE CARE OF ME.I AM LOVED BEYOND MEASURE NO MATTER HOW MANY MESSES I MAKE EVERYTHING CLEANED UP LICKETY SPLIT.
MY FAVORITE- THE NO DOORS HOUSE. I AM LYING BY A GREAT BIG OAK TREE, SHE IS MY SHADE WHEN THE SUN BEATS DOWN ON ME.IN THE EVENING SHE WRAPS HER LIMBS AROUND ME AND KEEPS ME WARM. THE WIND BLOWS, SHE STANDS STRONG AND MIGHTY, CALMING MY FEARS AS I HUG HER TIGHTLY.
" NOW NOW", I HEAR HER WHISPER SOFTLY IN MY EAR, AS I CLOSE MY SLEEPY EYES. ALL IS WELL.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
The Discomfort of Comfort
This is where I want to really start. There is no way around this one.
The true discomfort of having to deal with living with fear, anxiety, terror, joy, failure- success. You name it. It does not necessarily have to be a negative. Just give it a name. Take the boogie man out of the closet the dark. He or she doesn't like light shined bright. That's no fun.
Change- getting out of your comfort zone. Getting off your ass. Going against popular opinion. Having people, friends, YOU doubt yourself. Feeling terrified + DOING it anyway. Baby steps. This doesn't happen all at once. Definitely doesn't happen in a vacuum. Having the courage,YES- it takes courage contrary to popular belief to say-
I need: Help+ Love+Comfort +My Life Saved +Tell Me I'm not Alone
I Have worth+ I am Special+ I Am Beautiful + You Won't Leave Me . Your brain will tell you this is weakness and perhaps the frightened who stay in the dark will say the same. To stand up and ask for what you need, show vulnerability, there is nothing more courageous. The greatest lesson I have found: Who will honor this precious, sacred gift you are presenting, your HEART. Sometimes mine has been trashed and trampled, having put my faith in the wrong hands, but if I had not opened my heart and risked and always kept it closed, protected- I would never have felt the incredible joy I experience too. Love, opening your heart is like a rollercoaster. At least in my life. Hell yeah, sometimes I am screaming at the top of my lungs get me off, I am never going on this ride again. Then, I can't imagine not feeling the excitement of going around the loop again, heart racing- wind blowing in my hair. Sun setting on a perfect day. Discomfort is what gets us to the next stage. But could whoever is listening up there tone it down a bit. I think I got the point.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Welcome to Clare's Pad
I am so happy that you have dropped by. Relax- kick back, I made this site for all of us.
This is a place where however you feel is okay. Happy, sad in between, it doesn't matter.
I feel all those emotions all the time , I imagine some of you do. So, let's just let it rip or not. I'm going to keep on saying how I feel , love to hear your thoughts. Clare's Pad already is feeling toastier - YOU'RE here.
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