This Is What It Looks Like: Change

Music building as I cross the finish line. The beat takes on a frenzied pace, as the crowd stands and cheers.
Dead calm. All eyes on me waiting for my speech. Great words of wisdom. The towns people chanting in hushed tone:
Clare, Clare, Clare Clare, Clare.

This is so far from a dream. This is every cliche my childhood mind gathered together to compile into one.
I put my name in it for a gag. I did not have any idea where this story would lead me today. Now in this moment. I let it lead me.
What comes up in my heart: Sadness. Despair. The realization of what I come from. What I have had to build
on to become me.

My soil was cracked, leather, dry. Never watered. Where was a dream to be dreamt in this arrid soil?
I see in this moment as I write. Young sweet children, my brothers and sisters and myself so desperately wanting
to be held, nurtured. The simplest act would have made all the difference. "Oh honey look at you, you are the prettiest little girl."
"Of course you can do that, you are the smartest little boy." "Look at my little girl swinging, doesn't she look like an angel? "

This is what change looks like. Guess what, we all get to cross the finish line. We just were never taught it as a team sport.
We were always taught to be cross town rivals. I don't want to finish the race alone anymore. I thought I did. It felt like I DID.
That competitive team spirit was driven in my blood. All our blood. Even when I was the World Class Underdog, Underachiever. I still wanted to wanted to win. But at what cost?

Our large family does not know how to be a family. We were not taught that part by our parents. That is something we will have to figure out as time goes on. Through forgiveness and healing.

We all came from that inhospitable desert. I am learning to live where the soil is moist and has rich nutrients. This is what change looks like. It is a process, ongoing- constantly unfolding. Taking you places that can unexpectedly surprise you.

Clare, Clare, Clare, Clare. I will cheer for me. I kind of like the sound . I need to get used to being my own cheerleader. It's about time.