In The Stillness

I love this moment right now. It is very early morning. My family are still safely tucked away in slumber.
I am learning what a restless spirit I am, the more I write. I hear the buzzing of the pool motor.
It seems my thoughts have a hard time taking a nap. So I write. This was not such a problem before
when I Ignored my emotions, stuffed them away. Banished them to some far off kingdom.
They now want to see the light of day.


In this quiet I am able to see , to understand all the changes occurring.
I have been so impatient with myself, so unkind. Yet to another, to a friend I would say:
Be proud of yourself. Look how far you have come. You have to be vulnerable - willing to risk.
How does anyone move forward, without making mistakes. Lot's of them.
Moving sideways, then up and down. It isn't ever a straight line forward, that much I know for sure.


I still don't have the big picture of where I am headed. But here's the good news.
For the first time in my life, there is a BIG picture. I am finally in this picture.
Front and center. I am no longer hiding in the back crouched down.
This is MY life. I am waking up. I want to be here for it.

That has not always been the truest of statements. Today I can honestly say I am welcoming myself.
I have waited for what - who? The ghosts of the past. From a little girls broken heart.
I am a grown woman with a family of my own.
My celebrations, my traditions begin with me.


Only in this complete stillness my heart can understand: Where I have come from, and where I am finally ready to be.
Right here, right now with this family I so dearly LOVE and can't imagine living one second without.
Even and especially in this confusing , frustrating, wonderful life I have been given.
It is mine to figure out. I wouldn't trade it for anyone else's.