Sometimes opening my heart feels like a scary monster. I would continue the sentence, but I wanted to allow the child in me to verbalize the complete and total fear and vulnerability that it has taken to open it. To keep it open- well that is entirely a whole other story. It flaps to and fro in the breeze. Some days it feels like it is bursting with enthusiasm. ME and MY heart can take on the Universe. No matter the obstacles that lay before us. I am Super Clare.
Then there are those days where my heart feels crushed, broken beyond repair. Tears, frustration, anxiety when it's
unwelcome stepsister futility joins the party. Well let's just say I've seen better days.
When I am pushed to my absolute limit, that's when the bartering of recent has really kicked in with God and me.
It starts out like a decent conversation. This new land I have encountered, so foreign. I can't find ANY road signs written in my native tongue. The glasses I had, no longer provide proper vision. I can't see. I need to rely on senses I never even knew I had.
The explosions begin. Where are you God/ and how can you leave me out here in this nothingness after all THIS.
I thought we had been through it all. We have done the sight seeing part. Sat in the muck all those years. I have had the silence,"The Dark night of the Soul," looked like picnic next to this road.
The level of doubt in my heart, where I may have questioned many things about You. Now I had begun to disdain You,
reject You. It was freeing, because the God I grew up with was so punishing. The one I was now raging at finally was allowing me to show my human frailties, and love me any way. Embrace me, comfort me through the long dark night.
My heart opened even wider when I felt love even and especially in my doubt, fear , anger, rage, complete loss and aloneness.
It may have taken, and in fact is taking me the longer road to get where I need to go. Yet somehow through all of these storms, trials, I am still arriving where I need to, when I need to. I am letting go a little more every day.
I am learning I am loved "As Is".
Your So amazing and so brave. Opening my heart was taught to me by you! It has been the scariest thing i have ever done! But well worth it. Still many walls left to knock down, but knowing your there every step of the way helps SO much =)
ReplyDeleteYou are, and always have been loved as is. It's normal to question God, I don't think he would have it any other way. You are Super Clare!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks my little love, Nic. I am beaming with pride over you. I just want to put a mirror up to that beautiful face. You have had more walls to knock down than just about anyone I could ever meet, and yet here you are. You just keep going. You are STRONG. Don't ever forget that, Nicole. The world needs you. i will always be here to love and keep holding that mirror up. I love you, Clare
ReplyDeleteMaffew, thank you for those words. it means so much coming especially from you. You are definitely the brightest ray of sunshine. Your name, Matthew, means gift from God. How lucky is this world to have such a precious gift. I love you.
ReplyDeleteyou are loved as is... you are perfect as is... and i love you as is.
ReplyDeleteRaym, thank you for loving me. I have opened my heart because of your love. You have loved me, in every "as is" state possible. I am forever grateful. I love you honey.
ReplyDelete