How poetic to come full circle once again, in an odd and truly uncomfortable way, I will later see this as a gift. Until then, I will write.
Those words, "Thats not what I heard". Truly seem so harmless.
Yet have yielded so much power, so much pain and intensity. As I write, I have made a decision to let the
battle end tonight. I am bloodied and war torn and cannot continue on like this anymore.
The price is too great. My sanity.
To fully embrace my truth, as a writer, as a human being. That is the question. What is the point to continue,
if I mask my writings in cleverly guarded half truths so not to offend anyone.
Keep my heart tied up in chains. For who? What have I been protecting?
I have lived on different levels, wearing so many layers, padding of fear for so long.
I am sad and tired to my core. So close to happiness. It stays with me longer and longer each time
I risk and tell my truth. Uncomfortable, sad at times, but always freeing in the end.
I do not want to be around people who are unkind. Sounds very basic but I am a very slow learner. I had this ridiculous notion that if I loved people enough, all would be well.
My"well" became dry. I withered up.
My mother is one of those unkind people that it is difficult for me to be around.
I do not like to have to write about this, yet, I cannot move forward if I don't.
I simply am understanding that for me to be around her, I become irrational.
My heart hurts. Her loyalty is to no one. Only herself.
A lifetime of pitting her children against one another is too much for me.
I lay the gauntlet down. No person is strong enough for such malice or anger.
It is a catch 22 designed for insanity. I feel one step closer to the funny farm whenever I am in her presence.
If that makes me weak, so be it. I choose life and happiness.
I was talking to my daughter yesterday. We were sitting at a cafe sipping coffee, and I said that I finally realized the old saying,
"Would you rather be right, or happy?"
I said it is apparent after all these years I have chosen so many times "right".
I'd like to sound deep and say of course I always chose "happy."
More often than not, I held on so tight that I am not even remembering what I was right about anymore.
Just wouldn't, wasn't ready to let go of my good friends that had seen me through it all, -Mrs. "Have To Be Right" and
Mr. "Hang On With All Your Might."
Didn't matter if I had long out grown my stubborn behaviors.
Damn it, they were mine.
Which leads me back to "That's not what I heard".
I can't do it anymore. I can't hear or be the gossip anymore. I am unwilling, it is too painful.To say your child is a liar and pit one against the other constantly, it wears you down. It makes you paranoid and start viewing the whole world that way. I am paranoid enough on a good day. I don't want to defend or be defended anymore. I want to be loved and accepted and KNOW that I am enough as is. I don't want to constantly have my guard up.Especially around the one person you equate the word= love and safety with, MOTHER. For me, it is pain and betrayal.
It's time to love myself more, than the word MOTHER, implies. I am a mother, and I love my kids more than anything in the world. That will never change. I am better BECAUSE of them. It is time to move on to the next stage of life for them, for me. The letting go. Even and especially if I feel bad, sad , guilt ridden, the list goes on and on. It is for them and me. They need a strong, healthy, happy, mother to continue to lead the way.
I have been willing to be around a woman who just happens to have the greatest title in the world, MOTHER.
Throws me off every friggin time. Why do I forget that title it is handed out so easily, with no forethought.
I fully understand this human being is in pain to behave in the manner in which she does to her children,
store clerks, etc.
While awaiting her merit badge in the friendly skies when she cruises off, for her final destination.
I truly hope she finds what she has been looking for encased inside all the rules. I'm sure God will be overjoyed that she followed the prayer handbook to perfection. She only over looked one teeny weeny thing.
To love.
Dear Claire,
ReplyDeleteI have a difficult relationship with my mother. She doesn't pit us against each other, but she is just not well, and difficult to be around. Constantly critical. Usually asleep, or sleep-walking. Not participating in the world. Withdrawing to her room. She comes to visit and we don't see her unless we wake her up. It's probably not something she can change with willpower.
Anyway, all that to say, I glimpse a little of what you are dealing with. The love that we expected, the unconditional love that we need to grow whole and whole hearted, is not there. The support is there in words sometimes but not in deeds. And that hurts. Your pain is felt through your words. Someone reading this, myself reading this, hears you and feels you.
I hope that helps,
jenn
ps please continue with your truth writing. And know that your children see everything the way it is. Your mothering heals part of the wound.
ps as Leonard Cohen, the holes are where the light gets in
Jenn, thank you for those soothing words. I feel less alone in this mother business. I am sorry, though that you are in the club, and I too, feel your pain. I know each of us would want to love the pain away for each other. I think this is actually how we are doing it.
ReplyDeleteWe couldn't do it then, but each time we speak up, say this hurts, that didn't feel good, instead of burying it and trying to "act normal"
You know that game Jenn. It goes something like this. I am a deer in the head lights. Your words are healing my sweet friend.