The Letter

Nothing I do is easy does it. I am a true Leo. I dig in there, roar, get the job done, and take a nap.

That sounds like it is all in a days work. I take a years work, thinking piece of cake.

Must be that arrogant Leo The Lion thing that pisses people off.

Hmmmmmm, think I am starting to get a glimpse how other people view this.

It just seems to make so much sense at the time. Why take bite size pieces

when we can clear this baby out, and move on to the next. What I don't take into account, is maybe everyone else doesn't feel like going on this particular magic carpet ride at 90 miles through a blizzard.

The way I have learned my lessons in the past, have been on very rough and bumpy roads.

Even a flashlight would have been nice to light the way.

That's just the point. I have had to do it my way, what other option was there?

I have never been a team player. I may have been part of teams. Part of a large family,

which actually became several teams. Good team - bad team, pitted against each other.

Problem was, you just never knew which team you were playing for.

This is another one of those times I have been a true to my nature Leo.

This year was cleaning up and clearing out the debris in my life.

Again, whoa, take pity for those near and dear on that magic carpet ride.

This year, that sucker has been going at warped speed, and that magic carpet

has a hole burned through the center.

What started this great metamorphosis: a letter.

This letter has by far been the scariest thing I have ever sent out in the mail.

It was addressed to my older brother. For the first time ever

acknowledging the fact that he molested me when was 8 years old.

I sent that letter a little over a year ago, and the changes in my life, well......

I am no longer even close to the same person who first mailed that letter.

Like anything else, when a wound is exposed to air, it stings.

My wound was 40 years in the making, and it was salt endlessly pouring into this owie.

The only thing I could do was hold on for the ride. I had opened up Pandora's Box,

and that little momma wanted to check out the sights. She had been all cooped up,

was dressed, ready, and wasn't going to take NO for an answer.

First fear set in, what have I done, by sending bro that letter.

Horror and shock walked hand in hand for many months.

I felt like a ghost, and doubted my every move. My sisters, whom I had started a

relationship with again, had deteriorated from misunderstandings due to information

surrounding this infamous letter.

I continued to work very hard in therapy to understand, to unravel what all this pain was about.

I knew I was finally at the heart of why I have been so stuck, so frightened by certain things in my life. I can honestly say as hard as I have worked on myself, this was the most challenging year. This time, it was me, unraveling me. Ouch. Yuck, This is not where I thought we were going with this. I thought I was going to rehash all the shit of yesteryear.

Now it was really about where am I headed with my life. No, I want to wallow a little bit more.

The wallowing came in the form of writing only when I was despondent.

The biggee, I only wrote free hand. Ever. This was the year of growth. Only in the past 3 months have I learned how to type. I completely forgot grammar. I have and am re-teaching

myself, as I am putting myself out publicly for the first time this year, my writing .

The relationships with my sisters that had been damaged from misunderstandings,

and so much pain from what we came from. Instead of coming together and

supporting each other in the past, we tore each other down, we lived what we learned.

Now, the times, they are-a- changing! Compassion that was impossible for me to muster in my heart for them, for me has come.

The break through for me came this October when I went to my nieces wedding.

I love her so much, and would never have wanted to hurt her, but I knew my brother was going to be there, and I felt myself JUST losing it. I wasn't getting along with either sister yet,

so this was a hard one. Plus it was in another state. So many variables.

First I declined with a bullshit excuse that I knew she knew was a bullshit excuse,

I was just trying to survive. Then something happened. I went to my nieces bridal shower, the ice was broken. Step one, I survived and saw my sisters again, wasn't too bad!

My actual fear was seeing my brothers wife. she was a no show. Thank you for LARGE miracles.

Now I Knew I could get through the wedding. And I did.I saw my brother and his wife, I was polite, but the old me would have made it all better for them. Completely dissed myself.

not this time. I let them stew in their own awkwardness. I felt like the greatest weight had been lifted from me.

Several days later I tripped again, but it didn't surprise me.

The months since then, have been growth beyond my imagination.

Sometimes the healing has felt fabulous, other times, excruciating.

I am coming full circle and seeing, feeling things as I could not, would not allow myself.

Perhaps I wasn't ready, or the timing wasn't right. I don't know, and I don't care.

This is what I do know: I have shown up for my own life. I now have a voice, and I like it!

I know who I am and what doesn't feel good. I am only beginning to learn what DOES really feel good. I love my family and am so very grateful for my husband and children. Without them my life would have very little meaning. I am very excited to have my sisters back in my life.

I can't wait to see the family we build, from the people we are becoming.

The biggest thing I am grateful for. This year to END!