It Begins With Me

I have not wanted to be an advocate.

I don't know what I wanted, but I was that Hippy Gypsy sounding voice, saying "I just want to do my own thing."

The truth is there are a laundry list of things now in my life to choose from,

to be an advocate about. Having pretty much overcome most of them, and I say pretty much, because it is a work in progress, as anyone knows who has pain.

I cannot just OVERCOME bipolar and depression.

If I could, I would have. I have tried every way I know I have had access to.

It began with believing I needed a good old fashioned "spiritual healing".

I went to every psychic, back alley healer, channeler, clairvoyant.

I begged God, I prayed. Meditation, yoga.

Hours of tarot cards, counseling, inner child work shops.

Going to school to learn about hypnotherapy, psychology.

No longer reading books about anything BUT the study of the brain,

psychology and human dynamics.

In between this, my depression, and lack of diagnosis, was wearing me down.

I had the ability to BEHAVE normally, it was to myself that the real damage was being inflicted.

It never dawned on me for one second after the stillborn death of my twin babies that my hormones started this whole cycle to kick it. First, as it was explained to me physically , then emotionally, with the trauma. I did not go anywhere to get any help.

I stayed in my room, after I made lunches and sent my kids off to school.

I sunk deeper and deeper into a depression that I am sure was not only postpartum depression. I had no where to grieve the loss.

Owning up to the fact that you have a problem that you cannot resolve by yourself is devastating.

I am a person who leaves no stone unturned.

I was becoming a stone from grief and despondency.

Suicidal thoughts were becoming frequent and a normalcy.

Death was like a friend that would call to me, like a warm blanket it was wrapping itself

around me . I was so tired and weakened from grief, exhaust, fear.

It was NEVER because for one moment I wanted to leave my family.

I just wanted the pain that was unrelenting,to stop, to let up, just for the night.

This kind of pain went on in a kind of living hell, that I would not wish on my worst enemy, for more than 6 years. There were so many elements, layers to be addressed.

The first was my thyroid being off. When your thyroid doesn't work, YOU don't work.

Getting back into a good solid trusting therapy, to talk out the grief, fear with my therapist.

She, after a year together at this point, was able to send me over to get my diagnosis for Bipolar Disorder.

Vicki, my therapist, and I, have worked together for 7 years now.

it is hard sometimes for both of us to believe that much time has gone by.

I am not the same person that walked into her office.

She no longer needs to tell me this, I so clearly see and feel the changes.

Those four walls in her office have seen a lot of grief, fear, laughter.

She has taught me how to fight for myself, how to stand tall.

That I have a right to be loved, no matter what. She has loved me through my

worst temper tantrums that I was never allowed as a child.

she has taken me through all the stages of adolescence.

My husband, as well has seen me through all these stages.

Grief, abuse, so many things that were taken away had to be rebuilt.

It takes a very strong person to be willing to stick through these "bad times"

in a marriage. The "good times" are a piece of cake. We are very bonded.

We have seen each other through so much. I know that there is no way

I could have gotten through any of this without him.

As my kids got older, they understood more, I could explain more.

My daughter was not affected, or have any memories.

My son remembers. When I would become irate, and take it out on him.

The mood swing, the anger, the explosion.

I have done a lot of apologizing, healing with my family.

Those I love and have hurt. My family humble me with their love.

It begins with me. I have not wanted to be an advocate, yet I can no longer , I

no longer choose to stay silent. This is how the full circle of life continues.

Passing on what we learn. I would never want someone to walk the road I have,

but if someone is, I would much prefer not to hide in the shadows.

I would rather say, "I am here- you are not alone."