I 'm listening to "Mercy", by Rocco De Lucca. One of Katie (my daughter's) favorite singers. All I can do is sit here and cry.
Here we go, I push repeat again on the CD. My habit of going into the sadness instead of walking away .
He is singing about waiting for the sun to shine. How poetic, as the rain falls softly, almost reverently outside.
Always this slight haunting feeling in my heart that doesn't leave me. The sheer ALONENESS. I got some fantastic
feed back from a writer that my husband works with, I just read it. She said to just keep writing, write my truth.
My truth comes in many layers with endless tears. I wonder, I fear, who really wants to hear what I have to offer?
The tears flow because I do not know my value as a writer. I am vulnerable and it hurts. Revealing what
seems to comes so naturally because I am out going. The gift of gab.This is my shield I have learned to wear as my
protection. Nothing more, nothing less. Just an illusion that has gotten me through my life. Gotten me to stumble
out of my unbearable shyness. When I get tongue tied and nervous. When it's really bad I will develop a slight lisp.
The younger days of waitressing has taught me to cover up my fears. I learned to be disarming and charming.
I never wanted anyone to ask questions about me. I learned very quickly to become a good listener. Ask lots of questions. Throw people quickly off a topic, onto another.
I did not know my value. I thought I had no value. I never thought mother and wife, all the other things i did
were ever a BIG enough title. I was ashamed of myself, yet I did not fully understand why.
Until I peeled the layers back, WAY back. It has not been easy. Not one step of the way. Just as writing this is not. Revealing things that FEEL shameful, bigger than life. Yet somehow when taken things out of the closet, they once again become manageable, life size.
So, today, this is what I write about. Real life. Where I am at. Waiting. I am waiting to step into the next phase of my life.
I am waiting to feel okay and not ashamed to reveal more about myself. I am waiting to know I am loved for me, even if I write
things that are not what others want to always hear. I need to speak them, and be okay with it.
I am waiting to allow the full joy I know is awaiting me, if I just say YES. So I write. That is how I get to YES faster.
Everything you write is worth hearing, you're amazing, I think that it's just time to take it to the next level okay? I LOVE YOU, and so does Rocco. I like real life talk, what else is there but real life
ReplyDeleteThank you Katie, I love you and I appreciate your words today more than usual. Your mama is just scared to step out and dip her toe out into an arena she has never been in. The only thing I know and have to offer is real talk and ME.
ReplyDeleteEverything you write is SO WORTH reading. Everything you say is amazing and TRUE. Clare has saved my life...The way you put things and the way you see things through your eyes, it has saved me. I feel that your feelings are the way I feel. We see things similarly so never feel alone. Im right there pulling toward the dark cloud.. because on "those days" all you can do is think. Stay in the rain and get wet. Im there always. Similar as can be.. Your writing is defining me =). YOU ARE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU
ReplyDeleteNicole, you have such beautiful words. You are my child, all the way through. I have loved you for so long. Watching all the pain and RAINY DAYS you have encountered- that has been a tough one.
ReplyDeletei know how strong you are, yet it is very painful when you see your child suffer at the hands of another, and feel and be so powerless.
I am so proud of you.
I feel your love each and every day. You are wise beyond your years.
Thanks for your unwavering support.. You have my heart, mom
dear Clare
ReplyDeleteyou are coming out of the silences, and your courage will carry you into the writing. It is flowing better and better. jenn
Jenn, thanks, especially for saying it is flowing more. So is my pain coming to the surface and I am not so invested in protecting myself and freakiness.
ReplyDelete