What amazing words there are in our vocabulary..... to actually say what I want. Not what I need, or what I can do for you. Need is entirely different than want. I need sleep. I need to brush my teeth. I need to eat and drink. But what do I want? That has not been one I have focused on too much in my life. Much more, what others wanted so my life could run smoothly. That sounds odd, but it was the way it worked for me. It kept the fear down, the bugs out. The boogeyman at bay. I read minds, anticipated needs from a very early age. Of course it was all fear based. I needed to have things controlled. Work for me in a very out of control household. I was not a disciplined child. I have become an extremely disciplined adult. This has taken many years to change the bad habits I grew up with. Work in progress.
How that came to be, I think desperation, and there was nowhere else to turn. I had to clean up my life.
Quite simply there was no one left to blame. It was not working, very seriously out of control and not getting better any time soon. I was lazy, and was relatively okay with it from an early age.
I thought studying was stupid, when I could be out having a good time. Hmmm, good thinking!
No wonder I am such a late bloomer. I thought smart people rocked, had deep respect, envied them like nobody's biz. Just never in this lifetime saw myself in that category, and no one was racing to tell me
I was Einstein. So.......... I took a very different road. The hard headed kind. I didn't know that all roads eventually lead you back to where you originally came from. Sooner or later you have to face what plagues you. I called it my "Retarded Gene." I truly feared I was retarded. I felt like something was wrong with my brain. My mother had told me time and time again, she spilled hot water from the spaghetti on her stomach, when she was pregnant with me. Could that be when the gene kicked in?
In no way am I mocking anyone with special needs. I truly felt like I was special needs.
Only later in life in High School, when my teachers would comment that I had good writing skills,
did I begin to feel slightly humanoid. Of course at the time I did not believe them {my teachers}
when they told me to go to College to be a Writer. I just thought they were on crack. {Well, maybe not crack, whatever was popular in the horse and buggy day.}I never heard a peep from my mom about College, or any silly thing about being smart. These teachers were definitely on something.
So in one ear ~out the other. Enough of that nonsense. Writing, who would ever want to read my stuff?
I hid it, kept it very close to the vest for many, many years. Actually until this year.
I set it free. Made it public. How many years later? I have never taken a writing class since High School.
It has been the Clare Spencer College of one. I have been gun shy ~ about being self taught.
Didn't know the rules about Real Writers. Until I finally got out there and figured out there are no rules. I had to just learn, be a part of it. See for myself. Everything I took in College, interestingly~
not writing. Hmmmm? Immersed myself in everything Psychology. Just didn't want to pick that scab.
Here I am. All these years later. Can't stop writing. Some will like it. Some won't. That is no longer my problem. I write for me. To tell my truth. That's all I can do. These are my feelings , my experiences.
This is who I am, as I go. This is what I want. Simply to be me.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
It's My Turn
Starting over again with anything is never easy. I feel like everything in my life is about that right now.
Take two ~ with my health. I am humbled because I am exhausted again. I went to My Ear , Nose and
Throat Doctor today. He performed surgery on me almost three years ago, which changed my life significantly. I could not breathe. I had gone to many Doctors through the years, all passing me along.
"Nothing out of the ordinary." "You are fine." Meanwhile I would get one infection after the other.
This has gone on my entire life. When I was sixteen, due to so many sore throats and infections I finally got my tonsils removed. Didn't change much, but I got to eat lot of ice cream. I was thrilled I lost ten pounds during that time.
When I was three, I had gotten pneumonia so badly I almost died. I was in LA Children's Hospital for two weeks. So began my immune system challenge. Having been given so many antibiotics through the years and never getting to the true source of the problem, the problems merely multiplied. By the time I had gotten to my Doctor I was a mess, and no longer believed I could be helped. He is one of the leading in the Country for what I needed. Fancy that. He listened and understood. He got it. He seemed to get me. He told me I would be able to breathe again, I wasn't crazy. Music to my ears.
I had the surgery, and the quality of my life improved substantially. He also tested me for mono. I found out I had gotten that as a teen, that was part of my exhaust. Also tested me for Epstein Barr. Tested positive. He has a protocol, that he figured out while at USC that helps people with Epstein Barr regain strength and energy. While he was in the Navy, as a surgeon it was used, so he brought it into his practice here in Los Angeles. Lucky us that he figured this stuff out. He is very compassionate.
I began taking it. A shot every month that helped with energy. It seemed to be working fine.
I later decided to have mercury removed from my teeth. I knew for some time that had been a problem for me. I made the appointment, and soon began this process. Again, another compassionate doctor.
I had seven removed in one sitting. One of the most grueling experiences I have been through.
I had two caesareans~ this was right up there. It was a very tough process. The exhaust on my body from the toxins, for months after made me question many things. I had this procedure this past September. It was done by an extremely competent Dentist, trained specifically for this kind of procedure. I wouldn't have gone to just anyone, I wanted someone who really knew about mercury.
So, to be back at this state I am once again, this past month is very upsetting and mystifying.
I went to the ENT Doctor today again mainly just to pay a bill, stopping by it had been awhile. I love all the gals who run the office. Life has a way of challenging what you believe, where you are at.
I decided to stick around for an impromptu appointment. My Doc informed me it had been almost a year since I had last been in. Tension was in the air. We have always gotten along pretty well.
I felt his anger. Or was it frustration? I knew I had to do it my way, as always. He has been incredibly good to my family. We have been very grateful. I was not trying to be disrespectful in any way. I just needed to try something different. So today was our show down. Whoa. Two fiery people.
I just didn't want to be back in a Doctor's Office again. I have lived so much of my life in those walls.
How could I explain that to him? I needed to fly out of the nest and try it on my own.
I got some lunch and waited for the Pharmacy downstairs from his office to reopen. I felt so defeated and alone as I sat in a small cafe, listening to hipsters talking about the movies they were working on..... producing. I knew Ray would have laughed and said, "Shoot me, it feels like I am at work." We would have laughed about those "Hollywood Types" he has to have meetings with every single day. Instead I just sat there and said "shut up" in my head. A very weak shut up, I was feeling sorry for myself, and quite lethargic. Time stood still as I fiddled with my food. I wished I was with a friend at that moment. All my independence and I can do everything alone.......I was feeling it all. Just needed a friend.
So back I went, prescription shot in hand, getting ready for that wonderful needle in the hip.
Memories. I think I have fought this so much, because I could not will my body well. I have done
unbelievable amounts of letting go, especially since October. Body battering~ non stop.
Perhaps that is the point. I haven't stopped. Writing, releasing, feeling....... bleeding my soul.
My body is just fried. Any humans would be, but mine, did not have this kind of energy in the first place. The twenty pounds I have gained, I sure am not digging. I do not like being a chubbette. I want to be back in my cute clothes. My basic black are not cutting it. Summer is coming.
Part of the weight gain has been feeling safe, while doing this work. The other part only now I am really recognizing, I am scared. Having let go of so many of my fears that have haunted me, I want to feel safe in my body all the way. I have exposed so much of me. My truths, my secrets, my life.
My little extra cushion has helped. I have to face my feelings without stuffing my feelings, vomiting them, putting extra weight around my body to protect myself. I am here to protect me. I am more than capable of this. It is okay to be female. It is not a crime. I am not bad for it. It is okay to want to attempt to feel pretty. The Pretty Police aren't going to come after me and write me up for not being pretty.
I am who I am. I look how I look. I have never really known how I looked. It has always been veiled
by voices from the past of anger, hatred, disdain. Monster images have always floated before me when I looked in a mirror. I have prided my self with wit and humor. Being a do~er. A pleaser.
Never just for me. Could never imagine that in the past. Today that is all changing. I believe my health shall, too. I am enough. I have done enough. I really can't do anymore right now, my body is screaming that. Somebody else can pick up the torch, for now. I have kept it burning a long time.
I need to just sit and watch the glow, simply bask in it. That is how I will heal, I KNOW IT.
Enough Clare. You have done your job to date, and you will do it again. Time to rest. Heal.
Enough humble pie. I have had a lifetime of it. I am declaring, it's my turn.
Take two ~ with my health. I am humbled because I am exhausted again. I went to My Ear , Nose and
Throat Doctor today. He performed surgery on me almost three years ago, which changed my life significantly. I could not breathe. I had gone to many Doctors through the years, all passing me along.
"Nothing out of the ordinary." "You are fine." Meanwhile I would get one infection after the other.
This has gone on my entire life. When I was sixteen, due to so many sore throats and infections I finally got my tonsils removed. Didn't change much, but I got to eat lot of ice cream. I was thrilled I lost ten pounds during that time.
When I was three, I had gotten pneumonia so badly I almost died. I was in LA Children's Hospital for two weeks. So began my immune system challenge. Having been given so many antibiotics through the years and never getting to the true source of the problem, the problems merely multiplied. By the time I had gotten to my Doctor I was a mess, and no longer believed I could be helped. He is one of the leading in the Country for what I needed. Fancy that. He listened and understood. He got it. He seemed to get me. He told me I would be able to breathe again, I wasn't crazy. Music to my ears.
I had the surgery, and the quality of my life improved substantially. He also tested me for mono. I found out I had gotten that as a teen, that was part of my exhaust. Also tested me for Epstein Barr. Tested positive. He has a protocol, that he figured out while at USC that helps people with Epstein Barr regain strength and energy. While he was in the Navy, as a surgeon it was used, so he brought it into his practice here in Los Angeles. Lucky us that he figured this stuff out. He is very compassionate.
I began taking it. A shot every month that helped with energy. It seemed to be working fine.
I later decided to have mercury removed from my teeth. I knew for some time that had been a problem for me. I made the appointment, and soon began this process. Again, another compassionate doctor.
I had seven removed in one sitting. One of the most grueling experiences I have been through.
I had two caesareans~ this was right up there. It was a very tough process. The exhaust on my body from the toxins, for months after made me question many things. I had this procedure this past September. It was done by an extremely competent Dentist, trained specifically for this kind of procedure. I wouldn't have gone to just anyone, I wanted someone who really knew about mercury.
So, to be back at this state I am once again, this past month is very upsetting and mystifying.
I went to the ENT Doctor today again mainly just to pay a bill, stopping by it had been awhile. I love all the gals who run the office. Life has a way of challenging what you believe, where you are at.
I decided to stick around for an impromptu appointment. My Doc informed me it had been almost a year since I had last been in. Tension was in the air. We have always gotten along pretty well.
I felt his anger. Or was it frustration? I knew I had to do it my way, as always. He has been incredibly good to my family. We have been very grateful. I was not trying to be disrespectful in any way. I just needed to try something different. So today was our show down. Whoa. Two fiery people.
I just didn't want to be back in a Doctor's Office again. I have lived so much of my life in those walls.
How could I explain that to him? I needed to fly out of the nest and try it on my own.
I got some lunch and waited for the Pharmacy downstairs from his office to reopen. I felt so defeated and alone as I sat in a small cafe, listening to hipsters talking about the movies they were working on..... producing. I knew Ray would have laughed and said, "Shoot me, it feels like I am at work." We would have laughed about those "Hollywood Types" he has to have meetings with every single day. Instead I just sat there and said "shut up" in my head. A very weak shut up, I was feeling sorry for myself, and quite lethargic. Time stood still as I fiddled with my food. I wished I was with a friend at that moment. All my independence and I can do everything alone.......I was feeling it all. Just needed a friend.
So back I went, prescription shot in hand, getting ready for that wonderful needle in the hip.
Memories. I think I have fought this so much, because I could not will my body well. I have done
unbelievable amounts of letting go, especially since October. Body battering~ non stop.
Perhaps that is the point. I haven't stopped. Writing, releasing, feeling....... bleeding my soul.
My body is just fried. Any humans would be, but mine, did not have this kind of energy in the first place. The twenty pounds I have gained, I sure am not digging. I do not like being a chubbette. I want to be back in my cute clothes. My basic black are not cutting it. Summer is coming.
Part of the weight gain has been feeling safe, while doing this work. The other part only now I am really recognizing, I am scared. Having let go of so many of my fears that have haunted me, I want to feel safe in my body all the way. I have exposed so much of me. My truths, my secrets, my life.
My little extra cushion has helped. I have to face my feelings without stuffing my feelings, vomiting them, putting extra weight around my body to protect myself. I am here to protect me. I am more than capable of this. It is okay to be female. It is not a crime. I am not bad for it. It is okay to want to attempt to feel pretty. The Pretty Police aren't going to come after me and write me up for not being pretty.
I am who I am. I look how I look. I have never really known how I looked. It has always been veiled
by voices from the past of anger, hatred, disdain. Monster images have always floated before me when I looked in a mirror. I have prided my self with wit and humor. Being a do~er. A pleaser.
Never just for me. Could never imagine that in the past. Today that is all changing. I believe my health shall, too. I am enough. I have done enough. I really can't do anymore right now, my body is screaming that. Somebody else can pick up the torch, for now. I have kept it burning a long time.
I need to just sit and watch the glow, simply bask in it. That is how I will heal, I KNOW IT.
Enough Clare. You have done your job to date, and you will do it again. Time to rest. Heal.
Enough humble pie. I have had a lifetime of it. I am declaring, it's my turn.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Comfort Of Friends
Last night I slept better than I have in a long time. I still woke up in the middle of the night.
But I was finally able to go back to sleep and feel like a human being. I know that is for many reasons.
Yesterday was a turning point for me. Having gone to Linda, my friend and Kinesiologist~who always helps me figure whats up when my body goes haywire. My body had gone haywire for about a month, but I was ignoring all the signs~ again. She quickly and accurately accesses the situation, and brings my fear down. The reason to begin with I felt like I was the walking dead~ my electrolytes were too low.
I could barely move. The pain of Fibromyalgia has been more severe than usual. She informed me my alkaline/ acid balance in my food was off. Time to change again. I am used to changing constantly.
Severe allergies, like I have said in the past.... too many things to talk about that have happened to my body in this process of "Healing." I just usually don't say a word. Would scare most people off or bore
them to death, or the usual~just get over it. So I usually have said nothing through the years, kept to myself. My friends literally are the people who treat me. Chiropractors, doctors, because they understand what my body goes through. Yesterday was the first time I wrote about Fibromyalgia. An old friend from grade school lovingly told me she had very similar things in her life. I can't tell you how less alone I felt.
I am realizing more than ever the comfort of friends, being able to really communicate.
Say what is on your mind. I have always done it in my own home. My husband and children and I freely
express this. It is safe and necessary to build a healthy and happy home. It has taken many years to learn.
I have been gun shy in relationships, because my high need to say how I feel, good bad and in between.
This only positive shit is just not real. It get's you nowhere, and limits you. Darkness and light, yin and yang. Balance. It all is part of life. Twenty six years of marriage~ if we were all smiles, well that is funny in itself for anyone who has been married. But it comes with the territory. You get the complete package.
Everything, just like with kids. Matt is almost 25. I have been a parent for a while now. There are ups and downs. You just take the ride. Darkness falls and than the morning comes. It's how life works.
I have built a relationship recently with my sister, where there was once complete darkness, devastation.
I saw no light coming. We had one of the best lunches at The Cheesecake Factory yesterday, than I think we have ever had. I saw her in present moment, present time, for I think the very first time. Really.
Who she is today. It's been building up to that. There was just so much pain and unfinished history between us. She had softened. Changed. It has taken us months of both letting our guards down, working out the kinks. I think yesterday was the reward as we walked over to the mall afterwards,
into Borders. Looking at Cookbooks~ James Taylor was playing in the back ground. I thought,
this is pretty good. We haven't done this in a billion years. I was happy. Such a simple act.
Two sisters in a bookstore together. These two sisters hadn't done this in a good fifteen years.
The same two sisters who were roommates, best friends. It was the three of us, when I started seeing my husband twenty eight years ago. The same two girls who would have Happy Hour for dinner at restaurants and laugh. We never had enough money, and never wanted to cook. There was always food at Happy Hour. Were each others Maids - of- Honor in our weddings. Than distance came.
It would take many years to find our way back. This was the year. I never would have believed it could have happened......EVER. Miracles do. Forgiveness, growing up. Finding the true comfort of friends.
I look forward to all the catching up we have. Melding our families together. Really learning to trust.
We both want the same thing. I'd say we are off to a pretty good start. We weren't so different after all.
But I was finally able to go back to sleep and feel like a human being. I know that is for many reasons.
Yesterday was a turning point for me. Having gone to Linda, my friend and Kinesiologist~who always helps me figure whats up when my body goes haywire. My body had gone haywire for about a month, but I was ignoring all the signs~ again. She quickly and accurately accesses the situation, and brings my fear down. The reason to begin with I felt like I was the walking dead~ my electrolytes were too low.
I could barely move. The pain of Fibromyalgia has been more severe than usual. She informed me my alkaline/ acid balance in my food was off. Time to change again. I am used to changing constantly.
Severe allergies, like I have said in the past.... too many things to talk about that have happened to my body in this process of "Healing." I just usually don't say a word. Would scare most people off or bore
them to death, or the usual~just get over it. So I usually have said nothing through the years, kept to myself. My friends literally are the people who treat me. Chiropractors, doctors, because they understand what my body goes through. Yesterday was the first time I wrote about Fibromyalgia. An old friend from grade school lovingly told me she had very similar things in her life. I can't tell you how less alone I felt.
I am realizing more than ever the comfort of friends, being able to really communicate.
Say what is on your mind. I have always done it in my own home. My husband and children and I freely
express this. It is safe and necessary to build a healthy and happy home. It has taken many years to learn.
I have been gun shy in relationships, because my high need to say how I feel, good bad and in between.
This only positive shit is just not real. It get's you nowhere, and limits you. Darkness and light, yin and yang. Balance. It all is part of life. Twenty six years of marriage~ if we were all smiles, well that is funny in itself for anyone who has been married. But it comes with the territory. You get the complete package.
Everything, just like with kids. Matt is almost 25. I have been a parent for a while now. There are ups and downs. You just take the ride. Darkness falls and than the morning comes. It's how life works.
I have built a relationship recently with my sister, where there was once complete darkness, devastation.
I saw no light coming. We had one of the best lunches at The Cheesecake Factory yesterday, than I think we have ever had. I saw her in present moment, present time, for I think the very first time. Really.
Who she is today. It's been building up to that. There was just so much pain and unfinished history between us. She had softened. Changed. It has taken us months of both letting our guards down, working out the kinks. I think yesterday was the reward as we walked over to the mall afterwards,
into Borders. Looking at Cookbooks~ James Taylor was playing in the back ground. I thought,
this is pretty good. We haven't done this in a billion years. I was happy. Such a simple act.
Two sisters in a bookstore together. These two sisters hadn't done this in a good fifteen years.
The same two sisters who were roommates, best friends. It was the three of us, when I started seeing my husband twenty eight years ago. The same two girls who would have Happy Hour for dinner at restaurants and laugh. We never had enough money, and never wanted to cook. There was always food at Happy Hour. Were each others Maids - of- Honor in our weddings. Than distance came.
It would take many years to find our way back. This was the year. I never would have believed it could have happened......EVER. Miracles do. Forgiveness, growing up. Finding the true comfort of friends.
I look forward to all the catching up we have. Melding our families together. Really learning to trust.
We both want the same thing. I'd say we are off to a pretty good start. We weren't so different after all.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Everything Is Alright
The past couple of weeks have been some really difficult ones for me. For various reasons.
Mainly because I am stepping into a new phase of my life. Physically, I am very tired from doing nonstop work. My immune system goes down in these situations. I am in a catch 22. I want all the past to be in the past in one fell swoop, each stage I go through. I have a delicate immune system. I am working on this more than ever, good health is what am ready to solely focus on.
It has taken a beating over the years. I can focus on that more now.There just have been so many areas to cover in my life. So many fires to put out. Fortunately part of an incredible team I have had is Linda.
I have been going to her for seven years, she is one fabulous kinesiologist. She has helped rebalance me
on every level~ more time than I can say. This morning will be yet another time, after I finish this writing I will be sitting in her cozy office, laughing enjoying her company. She is a gem.
My body has been at a weakened state for several weeks, but I have kept going. With chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, not the smartest thing to do. I have been at a very good place with both of them, and believe I will be free of them soon enough. For now, I have to deal with one very tired and achy body.
Part of dealing with all of this, is being true to myself. Not what others words are anymore. Mine.
My voice, not approval from the well meaning. I have been there my whole life. That is over.
Mutual respect and support time. Or nothing. I have lived ten lifetimes just in recent years. I have plenty to say. I am realizing my value. I know the tremendous courage it has now taken me. I have crossed through my raging river this week. It has been quite treacherous.
I have shed many tears and felt very alone, once again. Nobody could help me or do this, but me.
It has been the finishing chapter to get to the next. You've got to take the bitter with the sweet.
I have never understood or appreciated that more. I will never stop saying how I feel.
If it is negative at times, or too dark~ than go find another friend. This is part of the package
you get, for having the full Clare experience. I cannot possibly be all light and sunshine.
I am loving, fun, dark, irritating, very quirky, prone to sadness and full of laughter. That is what happens when a person is deeply sensitive. I am finally accepting that side of me. I will not put a smile on my face constantly. That was the death of me.
This is my declaration. That is what has kept my body sick. No can do! I did that as a child,
as we drove to church. Smile...... church faces. Even though warfare had come right before, and after.
I am making my declarations, yes. Before I did not see my value. I do now. I am now choosing what is important to me. I only have so much energy. I have overlooked that, with this fragile immune system I am dealing with. I have not respected myself. I have put others needs first, always. No wonder my body has had no chance to heal. I have not allowed it. Today when I visit Linda, the Kinesiologist,
I will find out what my body really needs NOW~ Today~ and honor it.
I have let go of years of thoughts, feelings, people in the past few weeks. It has been difficult.
It would be difficult for anyone. I want love. I am ready. I give love, I need to let down and receive, trust in love. Equal love. Not needy. I have equal from my husband, more than. I need to give back to him so much more. He has sustained me, protected me, so I could do this work. He has loved me in the truest most unselfish sense of the word. Now it is time to take care of my body. I have taken care of my
emotional, spiritual, for so long. My body has lagged. Something had to give, with each jolt, change.
Every fear I faced. I had to feel it somewhere, it had to come out. It has, for years in my body.
My receptacle is worn, frazzled. Great repair is needed. My soul and spirit have healed and mended.
I have let down my walls, and come to a place of truth in my life. In doing that, I have trusted many untrustworthy people. That is par for the course. Many wonderful people have come in as well.
I have become much more selective. Just like on FaceBook, keeping my "Friends" numbers down, so do I in life. I prefer intimacy. I like getting to know a person, I don't understand constant adding.
I understand in this networking age it is necessary but I wonder, how many friends can you possibly have or need? If you have two or three in life that are really close, you are lucky.
What does adding on do, when it is not for business? How will you ever have true intimacy in your life, if you don't slow down long enough to just talk? I may be very simple, but that is how I always have thought.I want to take time with just a few, my friends. I had a lifetime of being spread too thin. It doesn't make you, or your other friends feel valued.
I am slowing down. Weeding out. Enjoying the ride. Conserving my energy. Finding my greatest passion. Loving the people who are in my life, with all my heart...... and showing it.
Everything is alright. I am ready to be where I am now~ because I say so. Feels so good.
Mainly because I am stepping into a new phase of my life. Physically, I am very tired from doing nonstop work. My immune system goes down in these situations. I am in a catch 22. I want all the past to be in the past in one fell swoop, each stage I go through. I have a delicate immune system. I am working on this more than ever, good health is what am ready to solely focus on.
It has taken a beating over the years. I can focus on that more now.There just have been so many areas to cover in my life. So many fires to put out. Fortunately part of an incredible team I have had is Linda.
I have been going to her for seven years, she is one fabulous kinesiologist. She has helped rebalance me
on every level~ more time than I can say. This morning will be yet another time, after I finish this writing I will be sitting in her cozy office, laughing enjoying her company. She is a gem.
My body has been at a weakened state for several weeks, but I have kept going. With chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, not the smartest thing to do. I have been at a very good place with both of them, and believe I will be free of them soon enough. For now, I have to deal with one very tired and achy body.
Part of dealing with all of this, is being true to myself. Not what others words are anymore. Mine.
My voice, not approval from the well meaning. I have been there my whole life. That is over.
Mutual respect and support time. Or nothing. I have lived ten lifetimes just in recent years. I have plenty to say. I am realizing my value. I know the tremendous courage it has now taken me. I have crossed through my raging river this week. It has been quite treacherous.
I have shed many tears and felt very alone, once again. Nobody could help me or do this, but me.
It has been the finishing chapter to get to the next. You've got to take the bitter with the sweet.
I have never understood or appreciated that more. I will never stop saying how I feel.
If it is negative at times, or too dark~ than go find another friend. This is part of the package
you get, for having the full Clare experience. I cannot possibly be all light and sunshine.
I am loving, fun, dark, irritating, very quirky, prone to sadness and full of laughter. That is what happens when a person is deeply sensitive. I am finally accepting that side of me. I will not put a smile on my face constantly. That was the death of me.
This is my declaration. That is what has kept my body sick. No can do! I did that as a child,
as we drove to church. Smile...... church faces. Even though warfare had come right before, and after.
I am making my declarations, yes. Before I did not see my value. I do now. I am now choosing what is important to me. I only have so much energy. I have overlooked that, with this fragile immune system I am dealing with. I have not respected myself. I have put others needs first, always. No wonder my body has had no chance to heal. I have not allowed it. Today when I visit Linda, the Kinesiologist,
I will find out what my body really needs NOW~ Today~ and honor it.
I have let go of years of thoughts, feelings, people in the past few weeks. It has been difficult.
It would be difficult for anyone. I want love. I am ready. I give love, I need to let down and receive, trust in love. Equal love. Not needy. I have equal from my husband, more than. I need to give back to him so much more. He has sustained me, protected me, so I could do this work. He has loved me in the truest most unselfish sense of the word. Now it is time to take care of my body. I have taken care of my
emotional, spiritual, for so long. My body has lagged. Something had to give, with each jolt, change.
Every fear I faced. I had to feel it somewhere, it had to come out. It has, for years in my body.
My receptacle is worn, frazzled. Great repair is needed. My soul and spirit have healed and mended.
I have let down my walls, and come to a place of truth in my life. In doing that, I have trusted many untrustworthy people. That is par for the course. Many wonderful people have come in as well.
I have become much more selective. Just like on FaceBook, keeping my "Friends" numbers down, so do I in life. I prefer intimacy. I like getting to know a person, I don't understand constant adding.
I understand in this networking age it is necessary but I wonder, how many friends can you possibly have or need? If you have two or three in life that are really close, you are lucky.
What does adding on do, when it is not for business? How will you ever have true intimacy in your life, if you don't slow down long enough to just talk? I may be very simple, but that is how I always have thought.I want to take time with just a few, my friends. I had a lifetime of being spread too thin. It doesn't make you, or your other friends feel valued.
I am slowing down. Weeding out. Enjoying the ride. Conserving my energy. Finding my greatest passion. Loving the people who are in my life, with all my heart...... and showing it.
Everything is alright. I am ready to be where I am now~ because I say so. Feels so good.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Acceptance
I can only be in this moment. Accepting it fully. I am here. That is a tricky one.
Acceptance. No more fighting, proving, cajoling, staying. My heart has been heavy because it is in motion again. So many changes this year. More than anytime in my life. The fast and the furious.
Lessons that I have had to be the teacher and the student. Who has graded my paper?
My classroom has been an incredibly lonely one. It has been a student of one. Especially with my writing.
Learning how to type, edit, and put out my work all at the same time. I put my faith in myself.
In such a short period of time, just since this past October. Really learning how to use the computer, coming back out to life. I have kept only to myself, my family for so many years now. I have been very comfortable that way. After all the years of heartache and lessons that I have overcome.
Mind numbing, never ending. It's hard to believe fourteen years of self imposed exile has come to an end.
The girl who had endless parties and BBQ's. The social butterfly. How my life changed, for so many reasons.
I have paid dearly. I have learned, more importantly. I am not the same person I was back then.
It has so little to do with age, I am so much younger now. My heart, my life. I am looking back.
That is the only way I can gauge where I have come from. What I came from ~ a very impatient
girl who wanted instant gratification at times. A lot of things I didn't earn, especially respect.
The road has been painfully long, I suppose because I am so hard headed. I needed to learn things over and over again. I have been very angry, slow to forgive. It has taken me a long time to see it has damaged me the most,
even more than the person I have not forgiven. Plus, the thing I really needed to learn the most.
Empathy. That is why this road has taken so much longer. I had no empathy for myself.
How in the world could I possibly have had empathy for anyone else? The little girl who sat alone in the dark waiting for mommy to come rescue her. Mommy never came. The teen still waiting for a rescue
when those in power were doing unspeakable things. No one came. As an adult, going for help, history repeating itself yet again when asking for help~ risking. It was too much for me.
My testing would really begin when I was pregnant with twins I wasn't expecting. It was a difficult pregnancy, and I delivered two girls prematurely stillborn. It was the beginning of my truest healing in life, through the cruelest vehicle. I don't know if I would have woken up, had the pain not been so great.
I felt like I could not be tested anymore. Little did I know that would be just the beginning of my
life of quiet. Turning inward. Self discovery. Going from complete utter darkness, daily prayers for death, asking my husband to fulfill that wish every night as he returned home. My depression, darkness, loss, utter despair was a black hole. It lasted seven years. I did not know about post partum depression,
my chemicals in my body being off. I just knew I didn't want to be on this planet.
Finally I got help. I never stopped self discovery even in my darkest days. I never stopped praying, begging God to help me. Never. I just wanted the excruciating pain to end. Slowly with a
tremendous and loving team of people who I literally owe my life to. I came back. They always told me I had worth even as I stared blankly, crying. For a long time. They never gave up on me.
Ever. My love and respect for them is so high. I cannot even put it in words. They know.
My husband, who loved me through hell, and it was hell. Nothing short of it for so many years.
A catatonic wife. One who used to be filled with life and joy. Neither of us understood what had happened to me. It would take so long to explain, I don't know if I could hold anyones interest.
My body went haywire after our twins died. Besides physically, emotionally I went away.
My body was shocked from past traumas. Too many. It was time to do the work. My body was taking this opportunity. That's what my life has been about{ along with loving my incredible family} until this year. My coming out party to life again. Putting the pieces back together. Mrs. Humpty Dumpty.
Trusting, friendships. Learning about life. Computers. Feeling alive probably for the first time.
I always was mom to my kids, no matter what. I always got "Up with the people, "
then went back in my room. I have always had a great ability to normalize things.
People who have grown up with abuse usually do. So here I am . How I got on FaceBook,
writing, meeting people. I don't know? I would never have believed it in October.
What changed everything for me ~ October I faced my greatest fear. I walked into my Nieces Wedding,
and faced someone who had done enormous damage to me as a child. I literally thought I was going to die. I didn't. It changed me ~ it got me to face everything. Because of standing up for that kid in me, I am here now. I am not afraid anymore. I am definitely chubbier this year. I am more exhausted. Sometimes I don't know what I am, but I do know this.... I am free. I have faced so many fears head on.
If the worst thing I can say is I have packed on a few pounds, which I am on my ass about constantly, I think it is time to lighten up. They will come off again. I have needed to feel safe. I lead a very clean life. If M&M's do it...... than cool. Let it be. I am who I am. I am listening to "This is it," Kenny Loggins.
"Make no mistake where you are, the waiting is over...... nowhere to run, nowhere to hide." I accept.
Acceptance. No more fighting, proving, cajoling, staying. My heart has been heavy because it is in motion again. So many changes this year. More than anytime in my life. The fast and the furious.
Lessons that I have had to be the teacher and the student. Who has graded my paper?
My classroom has been an incredibly lonely one. It has been a student of one. Especially with my writing.
Learning how to type, edit, and put out my work all at the same time. I put my faith in myself.
In such a short period of time, just since this past October. Really learning how to use the computer, coming back out to life. I have kept only to myself, my family for so many years now. I have been very comfortable that way. After all the years of heartache and lessons that I have overcome.
Mind numbing, never ending. It's hard to believe fourteen years of self imposed exile has come to an end.
The girl who had endless parties and BBQ's. The social butterfly. How my life changed, for so many reasons.
I have paid dearly. I have learned, more importantly. I am not the same person I was back then.
It has so little to do with age, I am so much younger now. My heart, my life. I am looking back.
That is the only way I can gauge where I have come from. What I came from ~ a very impatient
girl who wanted instant gratification at times. A lot of things I didn't earn, especially respect.
The road has been painfully long, I suppose because I am so hard headed. I needed to learn things over and over again. I have been very angry, slow to forgive. It has taken me a long time to see it has damaged me the most,
even more than the person I have not forgiven. Plus, the thing I really needed to learn the most.
Empathy. That is why this road has taken so much longer. I had no empathy for myself.
How in the world could I possibly have had empathy for anyone else? The little girl who sat alone in the dark waiting for mommy to come rescue her. Mommy never came. The teen still waiting for a rescue
when those in power were doing unspeakable things. No one came. As an adult, going for help, history repeating itself yet again when asking for help~ risking. It was too much for me.
My testing would really begin when I was pregnant with twins I wasn't expecting. It was a difficult pregnancy, and I delivered two girls prematurely stillborn. It was the beginning of my truest healing in life, through the cruelest vehicle. I don't know if I would have woken up, had the pain not been so great.
I felt like I could not be tested anymore. Little did I know that would be just the beginning of my
life of quiet. Turning inward. Self discovery. Going from complete utter darkness, daily prayers for death, asking my husband to fulfill that wish every night as he returned home. My depression, darkness, loss, utter despair was a black hole. It lasted seven years. I did not know about post partum depression,
my chemicals in my body being off. I just knew I didn't want to be on this planet.
Finally I got help. I never stopped self discovery even in my darkest days. I never stopped praying, begging God to help me. Never. I just wanted the excruciating pain to end. Slowly with a
tremendous and loving team of people who I literally owe my life to. I came back. They always told me I had worth even as I stared blankly, crying. For a long time. They never gave up on me.
Ever. My love and respect for them is so high. I cannot even put it in words. They know.
My husband, who loved me through hell, and it was hell. Nothing short of it for so many years.
A catatonic wife. One who used to be filled with life and joy. Neither of us understood what had happened to me. It would take so long to explain, I don't know if I could hold anyones interest.
My body went haywire after our twins died. Besides physically, emotionally I went away.
My body was shocked from past traumas. Too many. It was time to do the work. My body was taking this opportunity. That's what my life has been about{ along with loving my incredible family} until this year. My coming out party to life again. Putting the pieces back together. Mrs. Humpty Dumpty.
Trusting, friendships. Learning about life. Computers. Feeling alive probably for the first time.
I always was mom to my kids, no matter what. I always got "Up with the people, "
then went back in my room. I have always had a great ability to normalize things.
People who have grown up with abuse usually do. So here I am . How I got on FaceBook,
writing, meeting people. I don't know? I would never have believed it in October.
What changed everything for me ~ October I faced my greatest fear. I walked into my Nieces Wedding,
and faced someone who had done enormous damage to me as a child. I literally thought I was going to die. I didn't. It changed me ~ it got me to face everything. Because of standing up for that kid in me, I am here now. I am not afraid anymore. I am definitely chubbier this year. I am more exhausted. Sometimes I don't know what I am, but I do know this.... I am free. I have faced so many fears head on.
If the worst thing I can say is I have packed on a few pounds, which I am on my ass about constantly, I think it is time to lighten up. They will come off again. I have needed to feel safe. I lead a very clean life. If M&M's do it...... than cool. Let it be. I am who I am. I am listening to "This is it," Kenny Loggins.
"Make no mistake where you are, the waiting is over...... nowhere to run, nowhere to hide." I accept.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I Want To Hold Your Hand
It was everything I wanted. The stars were twinkling, the wind was blowing, and I was sitting next to
Raym. I had waited five months for this concert, as James Taylor and Carole King harmonized so beautifully. All the elements brought together should have been magic, as tears streamed down my face.
Raym squeezed my hand tighter, as the woman sitting behind us was rocking her own world.
It seemed as though so many years of feelings had erupted, come out~ just as James and Carole had.
Memories from way back just popped out, I think for many ...... our lives.
These two, James Taylor and Carole King had not reunited in forty years. I was eight years old when they performed together for the first time. The energy between the two was indescribable. Magic.
Hence the tears. The joy, laughter, love. Such mixed emotions as I kept sneaking glances at this boy I
had fallen so deeply in love with twenty eight years ago. Now I was staring into the eyes of the man
I have seen such joy, sheer ecstasy, laughter, agony, distance, sadness, and now pure connected love.
As Carole sang,"Beautiful".... I felt such peaceful joy. James belting out,"Shower the people, " something was happening that neither of us could explain. It was time for intermission. We got up to stretch, and realized we didn't want to go back to our seats. We sat on a bench under the stars, looking
up at the silhouetted trees dancing.We just sat, holding hands for the longest time in silence.
We both knew it was one of those moments we would never forget. We stayed for one last song,
as Carole King came on, singing..... it seemed as though just for us~"Tonight you're mine completely, you give your love so sweetly, so tell me now so I won't ask again..... Will you still love me tomorrow?"
We walked hand in hand back to our car. It was the best walk we've ever taken.
Raym. I had waited five months for this concert, as James Taylor and Carole King harmonized so beautifully. All the elements brought together should have been magic, as tears streamed down my face.
Raym squeezed my hand tighter, as the woman sitting behind us was rocking her own world.
It seemed as though so many years of feelings had erupted, come out~ just as James and Carole had.
Memories from way back just popped out, I think for many ...... our lives.
These two, James Taylor and Carole King had not reunited in forty years. I was eight years old when they performed together for the first time. The energy between the two was indescribable. Magic.
Hence the tears. The joy, laughter, love. Such mixed emotions as I kept sneaking glances at this boy I
had fallen so deeply in love with twenty eight years ago. Now I was staring into the eyes of the man
I have seen such joy, sheer ecstasy, laughter, agony, distance, sadness, and now pure connected love.
As Carole sang,"Beautiful".... I felt such peaceful joy. James belting out,"Shower the people, " something was happening that neither of us could explain. It was time for intermission. We got up to stretch, and realized we didn't want to go back to our seats. We sat on a bench under the stars, looking
up at the silhouetted trees dancing.We just sat, holding hands for the longest time in silence.
We both knew it was one of those moments we would never forget. We stayed for one last song,
as Carole King came on, singing..... it seemed as though just for us~"Tonight you're mine completely, you give your love so sweetly, so tell me now so I won't ask again..... Will you still love me tomorrow?"
We walked hand in hand back to our car. It was the best walk we've ever taken.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
With This Ring
I don't think we could possibly have known what we were getting into. I always asked Raym if he would still have married me, if he had known all that he does today. What he was really getting into. He always smiles and gives me a hug. Says even more. Hmmm.. How could I not be crazy about this man?
When you get married, you have star dust in your eyes on that day. It really is just a Wedding Day.
Ours was a painful one at that. We didn't have any parents rooting for us. Mine didn't come to our Wedding. His mom came, but that was no great shakes. His brother stood in front of the make shift bar,
shielding his body from the alcohol, for what? So we couldn't get our booze on?
I was twenty two, marrying the man of my dreams, and this mo' fo' was blocking the vino.
Uncomfortable. Welcome to Raym's family. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law both wore the same
cream colored dress as me. Cool. Feeling special already. Isn't the bride supposed to be wearing that?
Just asking? If my sisters weren't there to help me, I think I would literally have died.
It was the most beautiful, and loneliest day of my life. I knew I had met the man of my dreams, who I would be with, through good times and bad, sickness and health. My bro walked me down the aisle.
That was very difficult. I didn't want him to, but he felt obligated, since my parents wouldn't come.
It was truly a nice gesture. I just had issues of my own with it. I didn't invite most of my friends,
because my mother was ashamed of me. Second marriage, out of the church. First one to be divorced in the family. I was a lot of firsts in the family. Writing brings up a lot..... of feelings.
Time to have a clean body, let it rip. Wow, I didn't realize how much this hurts to write about.
Raym and I have been like the song, You And Me Against The World," for so long. I forget that we are finally free. It is time to lay it down. This is in my power now. I recognize this as I write.
It burns. It needs to be felt to be freed. Believe me I have felt it, just today with empathy for two crazy kids who dared to be in love.
When Raym told his mom we were living together, she disowned him. She took the only thing he had left, HER. She made him choose. I decided to tell my mom the truth and not lie, as I had in the past when I left home at sixteen. As if she didn't know. She just never asked. Easier that way.
So I told the truth, I wanted to start fresh. She wouldn't step foot in our home, until we got married.
Forgiveness comes in stages. It has helped to see her not repeat things she has done to me,
with my siblings. I hope she has learned not going to her child's wedding she can never take back, ever.
I have always wanted a fairytale wedding....... STILL. There was so much pain that day.
So much beauty in those few moments on the altar when I looked in my new husbands eyes.
The rest was just getting through. I am sad to say that, but the lack of support from our parents not being
able to put their differences aside. No matter what I have gone through with my sisters, I knew that day
they had my back. Incredibly important to me.
I don't think I am too old to have my Cinderella Moment.
I would love to know we are surrounded by love. Wished well. Cherished. Somethings never change
in ones heart when shame was the center of an event. I had nothing to be ashamed of.
I wore the Scarlet Cloak of my Mothers judgement on my Wedding Day. She decided, I let her decide.
I did not know who I was. I was twenty two year old. I had made a mistake, marrying the first time at eighteen. For one reason~to leave home, to prove someone would love the truly unlovable me.
It was not rocket science. Just a prayer that I wasn't the monster I had conjoured so vividly in my head for so many years. Somebody, anybody prove me wrong. I made a foolish young girls mistake.
I had found my heart, my love. It was unreal to me that so little love would come our way, on
this~ Our Wedding Day. It is time we really turn that around in a big way. Once on our 10th we had a party. Our 25th we renewed our vows. That was so touching. Our children were there. It was amazing to be surrounded by their pure love. I don't know if it is a pipe dream to have a Fairy Tale wedding.
Even so, it is my pipe dream. He is my love. I still wish for it. Maybe it will come to pass.
With this ring, all these years later......... I still would play~ ThroughThe Eyes of Love ~again.
When you get married, you have star dust in your eyes on that day. It really is just a Wedding Day.
Ours was a painful one at that. We didn't have any parents rooting for us. Mine didn't come to our Wedding. His mom came, but that was no great shakes. His brother stood in front of the make shift bar,
shielding his body from the alcohol, for what? So we couldn't get our booze on?
I was twenty two, marrying the man of my dreams, and this mo' fo' was blocking the vino.
Uncomfortable. Welcome to Raym's family. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law both wore the same
cream colored dress as me. Cool. Feeling special already. Isn't the bride supposed to be wearing that?
Just asking? If my sisters weren't there to help me, I think I would literally have died.
It was the most beautiful, and loneliest day of my life. I knew I had met the man of my dreams, who I would be with, through good times and bad, sickness and health. My bro walked me down the aisle.
That was very difficult. I didn't want him to, but he felt obligated, since my parents wouldn't come.
It was truly a nice gesture. I just had issues of my own with it. I didn't invite most of my friends,
because my mother was ashamed of me. Second marriage, out of the church. First one to be divorced in the family. I was a lot of firsts in the family. Writing brings up a lot..... of feelings.
Time to have a clean body, let it rip. Wow, I didn't realize how much this hurts to write about.
Raym and I have been like the song, You And Me Against The World," for so long. I forget that we are finally free. It is time to lay it down. This is in my power now. I recognize this as I write.
It burns. It needs to be felt to be freed. Believe me I have felt it, just today with empathy for two crazy kids who dared to be in love.
When Raym told his mom we were living together, she disowned him. She took the only thing he had left, HER. She made him choose. I decided to tell my mom the truth and not lie, as I had in the past when I left home at sixteen. As if she didn't know. She just never asked. Easier that way.
So I told the truth, I wanted to start fresh. She wouldn't step foot in our home, until we got married.
Forgiveness comes in stages. It has helped to see her not repeat things she has done to me,
with my siblings. I hope she has learned not going to her child's wedding she can never take back, ever.
I have always wanted a fairytale wedding....... STILL. There was so much pain that day.
So much beauty in those few moments on the altar when I looked in my new husbands eyes.
The rest was just getting through. I am sad to say that, but the lack of support from our parents not being
able to put their differences aside. No matter what I have gone through with my sisters, I knew that day
they had my back. Incredibly important to me.
I don't think I am too old to have my Cinderella Moment.
I would love to know we are surrounded by love. Wished well. Cherished. Somethings never change
in ones heart when shame was the center of an event. I had nothing to be ashamed of.
I wore the Scarlet Cloak of my Mothers judgement on my Wedding Day. She decided, I let her decide.
I did not know who I was. I was twenty two year old. I had made a mistake, marrying the first time at eighteen. For one reason~to leave home, to prove someone would love the truly unlovable me.
It was not rocket science. Just a prayer that I wasn't the monster I had conjoured so vividly in my head for so many years. Somebody, anybody prove me wrong. I made a foolish young girls mistake.
I had found my heart, my love. It was unreal to me that so little love would come our way, on
this~ Our Wedding Day. It is time we really turn that around in a big way. Once on our 10th we had a party. Our 25th we renewed our vows. That was so touching. Our children were there. It was amazing to be surrounded by their pure love. I don't know if it is a pipe dream to have a Fairy Tale wedding.
Even so, it is my pipe dream. He is my love. I still wish for it. Maybe it will come to pass.
With this ring, all these years later......... I still would play~ ThroughThe Eyes of Love ~again.
A Story From My Hood
The ants were crawling all over her. She was squirming so much, I thought she was going to fall out of the tree. That's when it happened. I didn't know if I should laugh or cry, as she nonchalantly said,"Oh, I feel so much better." Had it rained, just near my head? Yvette just peed on me.
We were in fourth grade, it was midnight and we had snuck out to teepee a boy named Jim's house.
Not a good start. Okay, so she didn't fully pee on me, but it was close enough to my body.
No warning, no ....."Hey Clare, look out below," She just laughed.
So in form with everything she did. I probably just took some of the toilet paper we were using for his house, in all my nine year old wisdom, dried off, and that was that. Even then I accepted that kind of stuff.
Okay, I failed to mention why we were in a tree at midnight. We were at La Rosa, the school we went to kindergarten at, we must have been in a nostalgic mood, being 4th graders and all.
This little gal just loved climbing trees, it must have been the freedom of sneaking out.
How renegade of us. She thought of the craziest stuff. She was very athletically inclined.
She was a gymnast, perfect teeny tiny gymnast body. Maybe part of their training was going to schools at midnight and climbing trees.
On we marched to our intended victim, Jim's house, this kid we went to St. Lukes with.
I can't remember why he was the lucky one. Maybe one of us was sweet on him.
Or, Yvette decided he would be the target. I was a definite follower back in the day,
so off I trudged, my pudgy little body next to her lithe form. Keeping up with her was always a challenge. She had boundless energy. Must have been all the junk food she snuck, while her mom
wasn't looking. I think I secretly hoped she would get at least a little chub. Not to be.
Not even with the endless bowls of Spaghettio's. Never endless enough for me. Felt like I was starving.
What was really there to eat? I wanna go home. I am hungry. Sad to say was the story of this Italian girls life.
So we are ever so quietly and gracefully tp...ing{toilet papering} his house with the greatest of glee.
Real life, we were probably roaring with laughter, and making a lot of noise. The front porch light goes on, and out comes his mom. We freeze in our smirky tracks. She tells us we had to clean up this mess.
What a mess we had made. Guess who wasn't smiling now? So, we cleaned it up, I am sure with plenty of 4th grade bitching and blaming. Finally we trudged back to Yvette's house in the wee hours of the night. No parents the wiser.
Yvette was quite the little smart pants. She loved playing tricks on yours truly. I was not quick on the draw. She was very, very spry. She had cat like movements ~ and knew how to use them.
Again, why did I get anywhere near a tree with this demon child. We were in her back yard, and she
ever so innocently stated,"Let's go sit up in that tree, that will be fun." It didn't look very high,
it was a Saturday, we were bored, what the heck. She was up in two seconds flat, so I trudged up,
very slowly. {You would think I weighed 4oo pounds, the way I am painting this picture of myself. I was chubby, about 10 pounds overweight, but next to her, I looked like I was her mother or a gorilla}
I didn't like to exercise, so I am sure I was not digging this one bit. But being with Yvette, you do what you must. I never wanted to truly let on how exhausting she was.
I must have been a masochist, really...... now I get me!! So we are up in this fine tree, okay, cool.
She says she is going to get us snacks, now we are talking my language. I am salivating.
A little time is passing, more time ~ no Yvette, no snacks, just pealing laughter and one hot, sweaty girl in a tree. Aha, I see, I am the joke once again. Finally Yvette's mom catches on, and makes Yvette fetch a ladder to get me out of the tree. Hmmmmmm, what was up with that chick?
I had a lot of friends when I was younger, who lead me around in similar ways. I seriously thought it was normal. Nothing out of the ordinary. All through grammar school on and off, Yvette and I remained friends. When it came time for High School I went to Mission, an all girls school and Yvette went to Temple City. I transferred over a few months later. It was painful to see that Yvette acted as though she never knew me. There were clicks at my new school. I was not, and never have been a
"Click gal." Ever. Just been a "Me Gal." I always weaved in and out of life, people. What has felt right.
I remember this one girl I had gone to grammar school with. I had known her my whole life at St. Lukes. She said,"If I didn't get in the "Good Group" I wouldn't have any friends, she would help me out".
I think you can guess what I did. Yep. Guess I didn't get in the "Good Group." I have never, ever,
not for one day, liked restrictions like that on me. I would much rather eat alone. Did, have, and still do.
I love my solitude. I love my own company. That taught me a lot. I made many friends that were social outcasts at my school. Not cool. I never really have been cool. I just have been me.
I met up with Yvette again when I was pregnant with my first child. She was getting married and wanted me to be in her wedding. I guess she decided I was cool enough by now. I realized I would have had a month to get back into human shape after giving birth, to be in her wedding. Way too much pressure.
She did not like my answer. She did not come to my baby shower and we have never spoken again. That was twenty five years ago. Funny how some things never change. We had our thirty year school
reunion this year. I thought about going. I have never even been to one. The ten year one, I was in labor with my daughter. I saw the pictures from this year. Yvette was there. Something changed for me. A little compassion, as I saw even all these years later her still trying to fit in ~ with the "Cool Ones." They all still hang out together. Some things never change.
The thing is, I went along with a lost girl. A girl who was so tightly controlled by rules, who needed to rule and control. Isn't that how the story always goes? I laugh now, thinking how tiny she was,
yet she wielded a mighty sword, her words and power. I never realized until writing this, how
truly powerless I felt. Yvette learned great power skills through her body, being able to control it
through gymnastics. She learned the game. How to play it. I never did. I just went along blindly.
She was just a kid like me trying to survive, but used manipulation and anything she could
to make her feel good, from her drowning world. That is the adult, the parent in me speaking.
Now to the kid in me. She was a shit. I never deserved to be humiliated and treated badly.
I am glad I am not friends with her anymore. I do wish her well, but I wish my heart to heal from her cruelty, now that I have really opened this wound, it can properly heal. I am loving me enough not to be politically correct and rise above it. I am loving me first, than I can really love the world.
We were in fourth grade, it was midnight and we had snuck out to teepee a boy named Jim's house.
Not a good start. Okay, so she didn't fully pee on me, but it was close enough to my body.
No warning, no ....."Hey Clare, look out below," She just laughed.
So in form with everything she did. I probably just took some of the toilet paper we were using for his house, in all my nine year old wisdom, dried off, and that was that. Even then I accepted that kind of stuff.
Okay, I failed to mention why we were in a tree at midnight. We were at La Rosa, the school we went to kindergarten at, we must have been in a nostalgic mood, being 4th graders and all.
This little gal just loved climbing trees, it must have been the freedom of sneaking out.
How renegade of us. She thought of the craziest stuff. She was very athletically inclined.
She was a gymnast, perfect teeny tiny gymnast body. Maybe part of their training was going to schools at midnight and climbing trees.
On we marched to our intended victim, Jim's house, this kid we went to St. Lukes with.
I can't remember why he was the lucky one. Maybe one of us was sweet on him.
Or, Yvette decided he would be the target. I was a definite follower back in the day,
so off I trudged, my pudgy little body next to her lithe form. Keeping up with her was always a challenge. She had boundless energy. Must have been all the junk food she snuck, while her mom
wasn't looking. I think I secretly hoped she would get at least a little chub. Not to be.
Not even with the endless bowls of Spaghettio's. Never endless enough for me. Felt like I was starving.
What was really there to eat? I wanna go home. I am hungry. Sad to say was the story of this Italian girls life.
So we are ever so quietly and gracefully tp...ing{toilet papering} his house with the greatest of glee.
Real life, we were probably roaring with laughter, and making a lot of noise. The front porch light goes on, and out comes his mom. We freeze in our smirky tracks. She tells us we had to clean up this mess.
What a mess we had made. Guess who wasn't smiling now? So, we cleaned it up, I am sure with plenty of 4th grade bitching and blaming. Finally we trudged back to Yvette's house in the wee hours of the night. No parents the wiser.
Yvette was quite the little smart pants. She loved playing tricks on yours truly. I was not quick on the draw. She was very, very spry. She had cat like movements ~ and knew how to use them.
Again, why did I get anywhere near a tree with this demon child. We were in her back yard, and she
ever so innocently stated,"Let's go sit up in that tree, that will be fun." It didn't look very high,
it was a Saturday, we were bored, what the heck. She was up in two seconds flat, so I trudged up,
very slowly. {You would think I weighed 4oo pounds, the way I am painting this picture of myself. I was chubby, about 10 pounds overweight, but next to her, I looked like I was her mother or a gorilla}
I didn't like to exercise, so I am sure I was not digging this one bit. But being with Yvette, you do what you must. I never wanted to truly let on how exhausting she was.
I must have been a masochist, really...... now I get me!! So we are up in this fine tree, okay, cool.
She says she is going to get us snacks, now we are talking my language. I am salivating.
A little time is passing, more time ~ no Yvette, no snacks, just pealing laughter and one hot, sweaty girl in a tree. Aha, I see, I am the joke once again. Finally Yvette's mom catches on, and makes Yvette fetch a ladder to get me out of the tree. Hmmmmmm, what was up with that chick?
I had a lot of friends when I was younger, who lead me around in similar ways. I seriously thought it was normal. Nothing out of the ordinary. All through grammar school on and off, Yvette and I remained friends. When it came time for High School I went to Mission, an all girls school and Yvette went to Temple City. I transferred over a few months later. It was painful to see that Yvette acted as though she never knew me. There were clicks at my new school. I was not, and never have been a
"Click gal." Ever. Just been a "Me Gal." I always weaved in and out of life, people. What has felt right.
I remember this one girl I had gone to grammar school with. I had known her my whole life at St. Lukes. She said,"If I didn't get in the "Good Group" I wouldn't have any friends, she would help me out".
I think you can guess what I did. Yep. Guess I didn't get in the "Good Group." I have never, ever,
not for one day, liked restrictions like that on me. I would much rather eat alone. Did, have, and still do.
I love my solitude. I love my own company. That taught me a lot. I made many friends that were social outcasts at my school. Not cool. I never really have been cool. I just have been me.
I met up with Yvette again when I was pregnant with my first child. She was getting married and wanted me to be in her wedding. I guess she decided I was cool enough by now. I realized I would have had a month to get back into human shape after giving birth, to be in her wedding. Way too much pressure.
She did not like my answer. She did not come to my baby shower and we have never spoken again. That was twenty five years ago. Funny how some things never change. We had our thirty year school
reunion this year. I thought about going. I have never even been to one. The ten year one, I was in labor with my daughter. I saw the pictures from this year. Yvette was there. Something changed for me. A little compassion, as I saw even all these years later her still trying to fit in ~ with the "Cool Ones." They all still hang out together. Some things never change.
The thing is, I went along with a lost girl. A girl who was so tightly controlled by rules, who needed to rule and control. Isn't that how the story always goes? I laugh now, thinking how tiny she was,
yet she wielded a mighty sword, her words and power. I never realized until writing this, how
truly powerless I felt. Yvette learned great power skills through her body, being able to control it
through gymnastics. She learned the game. How to play it. I never did. I just went along blindly.
She was just a kid like me trying to survive, but used manipulation and anything she could
to make her feel good, from her drowning world. That is the adult, the parent in me speaking.
Now to the kid in me. She was a shit. I never deserved to be humiliated and treated badly.
I am glad I am not friends with her anymore. I do wish her well, but I wish my heart to heal from her cruelty, now that I have really opened this wound, it can properly heal. I am loving me enough not to be politically correct and rise above it. I am loving me first, than I can really love the world.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
STILL
Sometimes I have to break things down into very small bite size pieces. I like things lined up.
If you came into my life, all outward appearances would be that of the most kick back hippy gypsy.
I think that is a big part of me. I don't like to be tied down or trapped. It helps to have a husband who feels the same way. In the earlier years, we were two crazy kids shot out of several canons. Making up for lost time, we finally found each other. Two kids in a candy store.
Remember we are freak of nature contradictions. My husband looks like he is the more uptight of the two of us. I portray the laid back nature momma. Both are extremely accurate at times. Than we play musical chairs. I am queen of control, he doesn't have a care in the world.
When we are driving in our car, down windy roads to adventures unknown, that is when the kid comes out in both of us.We become fearless. Joyful. Giddy. Flirtacious. Teenagers. Hilarious. Devil may care.
We change so quickly when the tunes come on,windows rolled down, wind blowing in our faces.
Sheer heaven. Since the first time we went on vacation together, twenty seven years ago this August.
I had never been to Durango, Colorado. I was a brand smacking new twenty one, and falling in love with Raym. I didn't want to. I had already gone through a very brief marriage [ about a year and a half]
I had gotten married at eighteen, so I wasn't sure of my menfolk skills anymore. This particular man folk was a different breed altogether. I liked him. I know that is a funny thing to say, but I never really liked the fellow I married, in hindsight. I met him at a bar when I was sixteen~ and he liked me. Need I say more?
We drove my little red 240Z all the way to Colorado. How it made it there, I'll never know.
We were gone for a week, having only known each other a few months. We stayed at a very beautiful old hotel, and I realized I was in love with him already. So this is what a Honeymoon was supposed to feel like? I knew but was terrified at the same time. I had already made such a disaster of my life. He was the real deal. I didn't want to mess this one up. We were such good friends from the start. He always made me laugh. We used to sit out in front of my apartment building until three in the morning talking. I had never experienced such an introspective, feeling, smart, funny man before. Still haven't.
That made it even scarier. He seemed too normal, especially for me. I liked weird challenges.
My whole life had been based on them. Then along comes this darling man.
What to do, what to do? At aged twenty two, I married him. He was thirty so at least we had maturity
on our side with one of us. If I heard someone else telling me this story, I would have thought
hmmmmm, married at eighteen and then twenty one, poor sap. Give 'em a year.
Well, it's been twenty six years of marriage, two fabulous kids and a whole lot of stuff in between.
I can honestly say I have never loved Raym more. Through all the ups and downs, the roller coaster
of emotions~threats of divorce....... c'mon get real! I would never want to be with anyone else like
I want to be with him.We just get each other. Our humor, the way we wind each other up.
It's all part of the game. How I get silent when mad and start cleaning, that is my families favorite.
They wish I were mad more often. Our pissiness becomes amusing. We try not to laugh after awhile, that is the best part, trying to act cool. I am chuckling now, thinking about him storming out very dramatically....... making sure I see. Check.
I wouldn't change a thing. I love our life. Most would probably go insane inside it. Works perfect for us.
Just the right blend of freedom and anal control. If we didn't laugh as much as we do, we probably would always be crying. We choose laughter. We have had enough tears to last a lifetime. He is my rock, my love. He is my joy when I look at his face in the morning, and know he is tucked in with me at night. I love having breakfast together, before he goes to work, and know a hug awaits me as he tells me he loves me. I love calling him during the day, just to hear his voice. He calms me when my day is off, I soothe him when a meeting is stressful. We look forward to see each other..... STILL.
If you came into my life, all outward appearances would be that of the most kick back hippy gypsy.
I think that is a big part of me. I don't like to be tied down or trapped. It helps to have a husband who feels the same way. In the earlier years, we were two crazy kids shot out of several canons. Making up for lost time, we finally found each other. Two kids in a candy store.
Remember we are freak of nature contradictions. My husband looks like he is the more uptight of the two of us. I portray the laid back nature momma. Both are extremely accurate at times. Than we play musical chairs. I am queen of control, he doesn't have a care in the world.
When we are driving in our car, down windy roads to adventures unknown, that is when the kid comes out in both of us.We become fearless. Joyful. Giddy. Flirtacious. Teenagers. Hilarious. Devil may care.
We change so quickly when the tunes come on,windows rolled down, wind blowing in our faces.
Sheer heaven. Since the first time we went on vacation together, twenty seven years ago this August.
I had never been to Durango, Colorado. I was a brand smacking new twenty one, and falling in love with Raym. I didn't want to. I had already gone through a very brief marriage [ about a year and a half]
I had gotten married at eighteen, so I wasn't sure of my menfolk skills anymore. This particular man folk was a different breed altogether. I liked him. I know that is a funny thing to say, but I never really liked the fellow I married, in hindsight. I met him at a bar when I was sixteen~ and he liked me. Need I say more?
We drove my little red 240Z all the way to Colorado. How it made it there, I'll never know.
We were gone for a week, having only known each other a few months. We stayed at a very beautiful old hotel, and I realized I was in love with him already. So this is what a Honeymoon was supposed to feel like? I knew but was terrified at the same time. I had already made such a disaster of my life. He was the real deal. I didn't want to mess this one up. We were such good friends from the start. He always made me laugh. We used to sit out in front of my apartment building until three in the morning talking. I had never experienced such an introspective, feeling, smart, funny man before. Still haven't.
That made it even scarier. He seemed too normal, especially for me. I liked weird challenges.
My whole life had been based on them. Then along comes this darling man.
What to do, what to do? At aged twenty two, I married him. He was thirty so at least we had maturity
on our side with one of us. If I heard someone else telling me this story, I would have thought
hmmmmm, married at eighteen and then twenty one, poor sap. Give 'em a year.
Well, it's been twenty six years of marriage, two fabulous kids and a whole lot of stuff in between.
I can honestly say I have never loved Raym more. Through all the ups and downs, the roller coaster
of emotions~threats of divorce....... c'mon get real! I would never want to be with anyone else like
I want to be with him.We just get each other. Our humor, the way we wind each other up.
It's all part of the game. How I get silent when mad and start cleaning, that is my families favorite.
They wish I were mad more often. Our pissiness becomes amusing. We try not to laugh after awhile, that is the best part, trying to act cool. I am chuckling now, thinking about him storming out very dramatically....... making sure I see. Check.
I wouldn't change a thing. I love our life. Most would probably go insane inside it. Works perfect for us.
Just the right blend of freedom and anal control. If we didn't laugh as much as we do, we probably would always be crying. We choose laughter. We have had enough tears to last a lifetime. He is my rock, my love. He is my joy when I look at his face in the morning, and know he is tucked in with me at night. I love having breakfast together, before he goes to work, and know a hug awaits me as he tells me he loves me. I love calling him during the day, just to hear his voice. He calms me when my day is off, I soothe him when a meeting is stressful. We look forward to see each other..... STILL.
Moving Forward
I have gone backwards for many months now. It was the only way possible to get me back on the road,to forward motion. No two ways about it. No regrets ~ just relief. I can feel the stillness in the air beginning to lift. Whether self imposed, it doesn't matter. It had to happen. It has been a challenge.
To sit in this recycled stew, yet again...... the louder amped up version. No mercy in sight.
Let's get it done Clare. Finish it up. Time to let it be. Move forward. We are done with this part.
Mourn it, beat it, bitch it, cry it out, this one is not coming back. This chapter, it's time to let it. Rest~ In ~Peace.
Some will not be coming along this trip. The ultimate tug of war. Survival of the fittest.
Time to decide. What is my worth? The "Titanic" question I pose to myself frequently to get through.
Who's going in the raft? Each step there has been sacrifices to move forward. Now I am at that crucial marker again. Ouch, my heart hurts. The decision always has to be made. It is not always conscious at the time.Yet the tears are forming. Lightweight. I know this part. Moving forward means saying goodbye.
I realize this is a very healthy place to be. Saying goodbye to friends, even ones that haven't served me
is a very difficult task, all the same. The day I said goodbye to Bulimia, seven years ago.
Consciously. After twenty five years my heart had the greatest sorrow. My best friend, my confidant.
My relief. My world, I didn't want to say goodbye. That is how my heart feels today.
My coping mechanism. It was what I knew~how to get through, survival. Now as the tears
free flow, I realize my other Best Friend, People Pleaser is leaving. I am sad more than I can say.
My heart weeps deeper tears than I imagined possible. My other coping mechanism to get through.
Bulimia was just the relief, the purging. People Pleaser has been my life line.
My tool I have held closely to me. My bag of tricks, finely honed. Guaranteed to work in almost every situation. It has gotten me through, what I have needed. Manipulating~ to have the guaranteed outcome I have needed to obtain. So much for carefree girl look. That theory has just been shot to hell, as I out myself as the ultimate control freak that I truly am. Terrified of winging it. Time to take off the training wheels, see what I am really made of.
Another road I am ready to travel, precisely because I am so uncomfortable with it. Stepping into the shoes of, "Like me for me." Terrified to find out the truth. It has usually been what I can do for someone.
With Love, Comfort, Mothering, Taking Care Of..... the list goes on. Now this time it is just ME.
Yikes, scary. Me for myself. What a notion. Am I enough? I will find out. To my husband
I feel enough, I feel his love no matter what state I am in..... and he has seen them all.
It has definitely been for better or worse. I wish it hasn't been for worse so much. I would like to turn that around. Give him back all the love he has given me. Oceans and skies, than multiply that by 1000.
My children, they love me for me, which confounds me. Confuses me. Perplexes me. My kids~ with hearts as big as Moons, Suns, The Universe. I am MORE when I am in their presence.
My family fills me with warmth and life. Joy. Laughter. Love. I want to be the best I can be when I look
in their eyes. My heart sings. I never feel more at home, than with them.
It is time to say goodbye once again. I am at that fork in the road we all must come to. Over and over
again. That is the only way we grow, move forward. It is never easy. Ever. But we look back, remember the good times if we can. Wish the past well...... and those who were part of helping us get here.
Wrap our arms around life, hold it tight. The good, bad and in between. It is all ours. I wouldn't leave an ounce out. Not anymore. It is me...... mine. How I got here. Mistakes, rough edges, that's what has helped me weather the storms so well. Those steely edges. I have just learned to round them off.
It is time to take the protective bubble packaging the store sent to protect my heart.......OFF.
It will be raw, scary, new. Slow going at times. I know this road. I am ready. Been down many roads like this before. Fortunately I have had much practice. I see a lantern up ahead, always a good sign.
To sit in this recycled stew, yet again...... the louder amped up version. No mercy in sight.
Let's get it done Clare. Finish it up. Time to let it be. Move forward. We are done with this part.
Mourn it, beat it, bitch it, cry it out, this one is not coming back. This chapter, it's time to let it. Rest~ In ~Peace.
Some will not be coming along this trip. The ultimate tug of war. Survival of the fittest.
Time to decide. What is my worth? The "Titanic" question I pose to myself frequently to get through.
Who's going in the raft? Each step there has been sacrifices to move forward. Now I am at that crucial marker again. Ouch, my heart hurts. The decision always has to be made. It is not always conscious at the time.Yet the tears are forming. Lightweight. I know this part. Moving forward means saying goodbye.
I realize this is a very healthy place to be. Saying goodbye to friends, even ones that haven't served me
is a very difficult task, all the same. The day I said goodbye to Bulimia, seven years ago.
Consciously. After twenty five years my heart had the greatest sorrow. My best friend, my confidant.
My relief. My world, I didn't want to say goodbye. That is how my heart feels today.
My coping mechanism. It was what I knew~how to get through, survival. Now as the tears
free flow, I realize my other Best Friend, People Pleaser is leaving. I am sad more than I can say.
My heart weeps deeper tears than I imagined possible. My other coping mechanism to get through.
Bulimia was just the relief, the purging. People Pleaser has been my life line.
My tool I have held closely to me. My bag of tricks, finely honed. Guaranteed to work in almost every situation. It has gotten me through, what I have needed. Manipulating~ to have the guaranteed outcome I have needed to obtain. So much for carefree girl look. That theory has just been shot to hell, as I out myself as the ultimate control freak that I truly am. Terrified of winging it. Time to take off the training wheels, see what I am really made of.
Another road I am ready to travel, precisely because I am so uncomfortable with it. Stepping into the shoes of, "Like me for me." Terrified to find out the truth. It has usually been what I can do for someone.
With Love, Comfort, Mothering, Taking Care Of..... the list goes on. Now this time it is just ME.
Yikes, scary. Me for myself. What a notion. Am I enough? I will find out. To my husband
I feel enough, I feel his love no matter what state I am in..... and he has seen them all.
It has definitely been for better or worse. I wish it hasn't been for worse so much. I would like to turn that around. Give him back all the love he has given me. Oceans and skies, than multiply that by 1000.
My children, they love me for me, which confounds me. Confuses me. Perplexes me. My kids~ with hearts as big as Moons, Suns, The Universe. I am MORE when I am in their presence.
My family fills me with warmth and life. Joy. Laughter. Love. I want to be the best I can be when I look
in their eyes. My heart sings. I never feel more at home, than with them.
It is time to say goodbye once again. I am at that fork in the road we all must come to. Over and over
again. That is the only way we grow, move forward. It is never easy. Ever. But we look back, remember the good times if we can. Wish the past well...... and those who were part of helping us get here.
Wrap our arms around life, hold it tight. The good, bad and in between. It is all ours. I wouldn't leave an ounce out. Not anymore. It is me...... mine. How I got here. Mistakes, rough edges, that's what has helped me weather the storms so well. Those steely edges. I have just learned to round them off.
It is time to take the protective bubble packaging the store sent to protect my heart.......OFF.
It will be raw, scary, new. Slow going at times. I know this road. I am ready. Been down many roads like this before. Fortunately I have had much practice. I see a lantern up ahead, always a good sign.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Business as Usual
Billy's cancer is back.
"How was your trip?"
"What, what do you mean?" I stammer. This can't be real.
This is a joke. It is someone else's family. My brother's cancer has come back for the second time.
This time possibly worse. My mother squeezes this unpleasantry in, between asking about the lunch for Mother's Day on Friday, which she is frothing over. Her son may not be alive by the year's end, and she is on to her usual banter- "I hear the food is very good, Donna said so, is that near Trader Joe's?" blah blah blah.
I know I should be numb to this, but it shakes me to my soul. This family can no longer hide in the dark. We are outed for what we are. I nervously dialed his number {Billy's}- he moved away so long ago, when we were children. I do not know him.
We are only a year and a half apart, but we are worlds apart. We live on different coasts, different
beliefs. Hell, I don't even know his beliefs. I know nothing about him. He is a Chiropractor, who
has two children. He left home at fourteen to be in the Seminary. He stayed eight years, and realized that was not the life for him. My mother wanted a Priest in the family. When Billy left the Seminary, my mother had a hard time letting it go. She would not forgive him. Only now I see the yoke he wore from her wanting. She placed such a burden on his young shoulders. Where was he to turn? Where were any of us to turn. So much for turning the other cheek today. As I stuff a Snickers bar down my throat as fast as humanly possible, to stifle the tears, the horror from what I feel.
This past week has been a lesson in pain and horror, today is the cherry on top. I want to be as I was once was in the past, so many years ago.
Sarcastic, biting, mean. Snarly. Bulimic..... where are my tools? I am helpless. Damn it.
I will not normalize this. I may not be close to Billy, but my empathy runs deep. How alone he must feel.
Five brothers and sisters, no one flying out there. My mother talking so nonchalantly about his possible prognosis, as though it were a grocery list. My heart is sad. I am glad of this. It tells me I am feeling.
I pray that he recovers . I pray that he doesn't suffer. What do I pray for? I am sad I will never know him.
What I can do, is be the best parent, wife, friend. Open my heart to life. Be the best I can be.
There is nothing I can do anymore, from the family I come from. I shall sit in this stew of sadness from which I come. I am recognizing it is not mine. It is from a very disconnected woman called Mother.
This is her legacy, yet once again. More poignant, don't you think, that it is almost Mothers Day.
"How was your trip?"
"What, what do you mean?" I stammer. This can't be real.
This is a joke. It is someone else's family. My brother's cancer has come back for the second time.
This time possibly worse. My mother squeezes this unpleasantry in, between asking about the lunch for Mother's Day on Friday, which she is frothing over. Her son may not be alive by the year's end, and she is on to her usual banter- "I hear the food is very good, Donna said so, is that near Trader Joe's?" blah blah blah.
I know I should be numb to this, but it shakes me to my soul. This family can no longer hide in the dark. We are outed for what we are. I nervously dialed his number {Billy's}- he moved away so long ago, when we were children. I do not know him.
We are only a year and a half apart, but we are worlds apart. We live on different coasts, different
beliefs. Hell, I don't even know his beliefs. I know nothing about him. He is a Chiropractor, who
has two children. He left home at fourteen to be in the Seminary. He stayed eight years, and realized that was not the life for him. My mother wanted a Priest in the family. When Billy left the Seminary, my mother had a hard time letting it go. She would not forgive him. Only now I see the yoke he wore from her wanting. She placed such a burden on his young shoulders. Where was he to turn? Where were any of us to turn. So much for turning the other cheek today. As I stuff a Snickers bar down my throat as fast as humanly possible, to stifle the tears, the horror from what I feel.
This past week has been a lesson in pain and horror, today is the cherry on top. I want to be as I was once was in the past, so many years ago.
Sarcastic, biting, mean. Snarly. Bulimic..... where are my tools? I am helpless. Damn it.
I will not normalize this. I may not be close to Billy, but my empathy runs deep. How alone he must feel.
Five brothers and sisters, no one flying out there. My mother talking so nonchalantly about his possible prognosis, as though it were a grocery list. My heart is sad. I am glad of this. It tells me I am feeling.
I pray that he recovers . I pray that he doesn't suffer. What do I pray for? I am sad I will never know him.
What I can do, is be the best parent, wife, friend. Open my heart to life. Be the best I can be.
There is nothing I can do anymore, from the family I come from. I shall sit in this stew of sadness from which I come. I am recognizing it is not mine. It is from a very disconnected woman called Mother.
This is her legacy, yet once again. More poignant, don't you think, that it is almost Mothers Day.
Little Grandmas Hands
Sunday is Mothers Day.
I have had so many emotions coming up for me this week. Very few about my own Mother. I will see her on Friday, with my sister and daughter.
I feel very little emotion. I wish I had another feeling for my Mother. But, just half an hour ago,
a wellspring of emotion burst forth. Not for her unfortunately. I didn't even know where it came from.
One moment I was making a shake, and the next I was on the computer on youtube, playing
"Fly Me To The Moon," Little Grandma's favorite song, sung by Tony Bennett. That was it.
The tears came, and flooded the room. I didn't know what I was even feeling. My heart just missed her. Little Grandma. Maybe talking about Italy so much. Maybe just..... because.
As I write this, there is a dull ache, I don't understand, I did this already. I already mourned her. Yet,
I am feeling it in a different place.
I want her back. I understand now, as tears obstruct my vision.
I get it now. Can't I go back, I have patience now. Please, can't I have that time, when I was impatient and wanted the time to go faster? I didn't know I would never get this moment back.
I want her. I want her to hold my hands, rub my back, tell me she loves me.
I would give anything to hear her say, "What are you gonna do?" I didn't get it. This is a woman who
had lived nine decades. She had long outlived her husband and buried her daughter..... which was also her best friend. Very little education, she still figured things out.
She kept it simple. That's how she lived. Simplicity. She loved God, her family, life. Food. Gambling. Not in an obnoxious way, more like an excited school girl who saved her pennies. She did everything in moderation.
She walked until her late eighties. She drank her wine, used her olive oil. Ate her fresh veggies.
Used her Oil of Olay religiously. She had beautiful skin. People always thought she was my Mother,
until she stopped coloring her hair.
That drove my Mother insane. No love loss there.
My Mother never liked my Grandma. Always thought she was ignorant. Not educated.
The truth is, because of my Grandmother's warmth, all the Grandchildren gravitated naturally towards her. My Mother is a nice person, extremely hard working, very ethical. Extremely religious.
Just not warm hearted. It is just who she is. I have grappled with this my entire life.
Her pain runs so deep, it will not be extinguished in this lifetime. I have tried every conceivable way to help douse her flames, they simply will not be put out. Her heart is too wounded, she is simply not willing. Only in writing this, I see it is the fairest assessment I have ever given her. Must be letting go.
I cannot keep beating myself up. It just simply is~
I will feel proud to pay tribute and honor, to the woman~ Grandma, who came to my Wedding,
even when a Priest told my Mother it was fine for her to attend, even though it wasn't in a Catholic Church. Still she wouldn't budge. It was one of the greatest pains of my life, the choice my parents made.
Grandma proudly looked on, as Ray and I took our vows. This tiny Italian woman went against her son and daughter-in law, while living in their back house, knowing the wrath.... doing it anyway.
Because I was her grandchild. Because she loved me. Because Family came first.
She taught me more with that single act, than just about anything. Anyone and anything I stand up for..... is because of her.
I am not afraid, I have her feistiness and strength.
I wish this was a celebration of my Mother.
Little Grandma was the Mother of my heart.
I pay tribute to the way she viewed life. It is not that she was perfect. It was her real~ness,
her love of beauty, people..... She was love. She welcomed all into her home. She was Little Grandma to everyone. Anyone who came in a stranger, walked out her Grand Child.
There was plenty of her to go around for all us Grandchildren. We basked in the warmth of her love.
We became more. We grew up in such a dry desert of emotion, going out to her house, filling up on her praise and nurturing, we blossomed. To feel her hands wrapped around ours, so warm and secure,
for that moment ~ time stood still. All was well. Who sustained her? Through her sorrows,
cancer, losses? This was the same woman my Mother called ignorant, weak, embarrassing.
Grandma, you were strength, grace, beauty. Bless you for loving us all. You were our Guardian Angel. Without you, none of us would be as gentle, kind as we are. You are with your grandchildren and their
children. You made a difference. Bless you for loving as you did. We loved you. I love you.
I miss you, though I know you are never far.
Happy Mother"s Day.
I have had so many emotions coming up for me this week. Very few about my own Mother. I will see her on Friday, with my sister and daughter.
I feel very little emotion. I wish I had another feeling for my Mother. But, just half an hour ago,
a wellspring of emotion burst forth. Not for her unfortunately. I didn't even know where it came from.
One moment I was making a shake, and the next I was on the computer on youtube, playing
"Fly Me To The Moon," Little Grandma's favorite song, sung by Tony Bennett. That was it.
The tears came, and flooded the room. I didn't know what I was even feeling. My heart just missed her. Little Grandma. Maybe talking about Italy so much. Maybe just..... because.
As I write this, there is a dull ache, I don't understand, I did this already. I already mourned her. Yet,
I am feeling it in a different place.
I want her back. I understand now, as tears obstruct my vision.
I get it now. Can't I go back, I have patience now. Please, can't I have that time, when I was impatient and wanted the time to go faster? I didn't know I would never get this moment back.
I want her. I want her to hold my hands, rub my back, tell me she loves me.
I would give anything to hear her say, "What are you gonna do?" I didn't get it. This is a woman who
had lived nine decades. She had long outlived her husband and buried her daughter..... which was also her best friend. Very little education, she still figured things out.
She kept it simple. That's how she lived. Simplicity. She loved God, her family, life. Food. Gambling. Not in an obnoxious way, more like an excited school girl who saved her pennies. She did everything in moderation.
She walked until her late eighties. She drank her wine, used her olive oil. Ate her fresh veggies.
Used her Oil of Olay religiously. She had beautiful skin. People always thought she was my Mother,
until she stopped coloring her hair.
That drove my Mother insane. No love loss there.
My Mother never liked my Grandma. Always thought she was ignorant. Not educated.
The truth is, because of my Grandmother's warmth, all the Grandchildren gravitated naturally towards her. My Mother is a nice person, extremely hard working, very ethical. Extremely religious.
Just not warm hearted. It is just who she is. I have grappled with this my entire life.
Her pain runs so deep, it will not be extinguished in this lifetime. I have tried every conceivable way to help douse her flames, they simply will not be put out. Her heart is too wounded, she is simply not willing. Only in writing this, I see it is the fairest assessment I have ever given her. Must be letting go.
I cannot keep beating myself up. It just simply is~
I will feel proud to pay tribute and honor, to the woman~ Grandma, who came to my Wedding,
even when a Priest told my Mother it was fine for her to attend, even though it wasn't in a Catholic Church. Still she wouldn't budge. It was one of the greatest pains of my life, the choice my parents made.
Grandma proudly looked on, as Ray and I took our vows. This tiny Italian woman went against her son and daughter-in law, while living in their back house, knowing the wrath.... doing it anyway.
Because I was her grandchild. Because she loved me. Because Family came first.
She taught me more with that single act, than just about anything. Anyone and anything I stand up for..... is because of her.
I am not afraid, I have her feistiness and strength.
I wish this was a celebration of my Mother.
Little Grandma was the Mother of my heart.
I pay tribute to the way she viewed life. It is not that she was perfect. It was her real~ness,
her love of beauty, people..... She was love. She welcomed all into her home. She was Little Grandma to everyone. Anyone who came in a stranger, walked out her Grand Child.
There was plenty of her to go around for all us Grandchildren. We basked in the warmth of her love.
We became more. We grew up in such a dry desert of emotion, going out to her house, filling up on her praise and nurturing, we blossomed. To feel her hands wrapped around ours, so warm and secure,
for that moment ~ time stood still. All was well. Who sustained her? Through her sorrows,
cancer, losses? This was the same woman my Mother called ignorant, weak, embarrassing.
Grandma, you were strength, grace, beauty. Bless you for loving us all. You were our Guardian Angel. Without you, none of us would be as gentle, kind as we are. You are with your grandchildren and their
children. You made a difference. Bless you for loving as you did. We loved you. I love you.
I miss you, though I know you are never far.
Happy Mother"s Day.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Mothers Day For Him
I don't think I have ever realized what it has cost him. Every Holiday. Every time it comes near, his mood changes. He becomes more removed. I was too caught up in my own trip, to understand his complete and utter loss and dismay. He lost so much early on, my beautiful dear sweet husband. I see him so strong, resilient a man. He is easy going. He hides the scars so effortlessly from the past.
Yet they resurface like clockwork, Every Holiday. This is a double header. Not only is it Mother's Day,
his Mother's Birthday is in May. She died in April, when I was pregnant with our second child.
That was twenty one years ago, as we sat by her bedside in the hospital at Huntington Memorial.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I tried to hide my bulging stomach. I was seven months pregnant, and I didn't want to remind her, or my husband, she wouldn't be around to see her second grandchild. It
was a very strange sensation to be aware of life kicking inside me, as death was very close for my husbands Mother. I am profoundly sad as I write these words. I did not have a good relationship with my Mother-in-law. Ever, but for one week in her life. She came home from the hospital the first time,
[she had lung cancer] and we stayed with her. I had just found out I was pregnant with our second child,
we had a three year old son, and my husband had just started a new job. We camped out in her living room, I cooked and cleaned. At first it was very tense, because we had never been close.
But somehow we fell into a groove, a rhythm. It was nice, a family for the first time.
The greatest compliment she ever paid me, when she told me she felt like a child again. I would cook her favorite meals, tuck her in bed. She said it made her feel safe, just like when she was a little girl, with her mother. I can't tell you how I hold that in my heart to this day. It really was a special week I will cherish forever. Finally I went home with our son, after a week, my husband stayed on another. His relationship had long been strained through the years with his mother. The distance growing even wider, when she had became little a stronger. It wasn't that he wanted it that way for one second. Just the opposite. He longed so desperately for his mother. It just wasn't to be. So we got back into the rhythm of our life again, the best way we knew how. One step at a time.
We needed the distance. She wanted the closeness, yet so much damage had been done through
the years. It was hard to repair, especially when no real conversation was allowed to take place. A lot of guilt and uncomfortable feelings were still present, with nowhere to go. We would have loved for real intimacy.It wasn't going to happen. Pretending made it that much more heartbreaking in the light of day.
Months passed, and my Mother-In-Law went back into the hospital. It was around Easter time.
I watched my husband go through so much turmoil. I had so little to offer at that time, my deepest regret.
He was so alone. I could not possibly understand, what I do today. I had nothing to offer.
I lacked maturity, insight, wisdom. More aloneness of his childhood he encountered, as he watched his Mother slip away. No words would he hear, even in her passing."Son, I am so proud of you. Thank you
for making my life so joyous." just the silence of life slipping away. Just as his Father had left without a word, more silence for this beautiful heart. I didn't understand the toll. I do now. Another silence in his life, as he walked a long road, to the Funeral Home by himself, to pick out our baby's coffin. I did not share that silence either. He has had many silences I will never know.
I wish I could transport me of today ~ back then. Hold my Raymond. Overlook so much of his Mother's behaviors and understand, it was so much fear. Loss. That was her baby boy. I wish I had the tools I have now, from Hospice, to say..... she's scared. Ignore her words. Look in her eyes. Hold her hand.
Say what it is you need to say. Don't wait to hear what you need. Say it. You'll be surprised what comes out of that. Forgiveness is amazing. It never looks the way we think it's supposed to.
Happy Mother's Day Patricia Spencer. Thank you for the gift of your amazing son. I am sorry for
your wounded heart. I didn't understand. Please forgive me for my impatience of youth.
I think we may have been friends. You have some pretty incredible grandchildren. Im sure you are watching from wherever you are, up in those fluffy clouds. I wish you peace.
Yet they resurface like clockwork, Every Holiday. This is a double header. Not only is it Mother's Day,
his Mother's Birthday is in May. She died in April, when I was pregnant with our second child.
That was twenty one years ago, as we sat by her bedside in the hospital at Huntington Memorial.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I tried to hide my bulging stomach. I was seven months pregnant, and I didn't want to remind her, or my husband, she wouldn't be around to see her second grandchild. It
was a very strange sensation to be aware of life kicking inside me, as death was very close for my husbands Mother. I am profoundly sad as I write these words. I did not have a good relationship with my Mother-in-law. Ever, but for one week in her life. She came home from the hospital the first time,
[she had lung cancer] and we stayed with her. I had just found out I was pregnant with our second child,
we had a three year old son, and my husband had just started a new job. We camped out in her living room, I cooked and cleaned. At first it was very tense, because we had never been close.
But somehow we fell into a groove, a rhythm. It was nice, a family for the first time.
The greatest compliment she ever paid me, when she told me she felt like a child again. I would cook her favorite meals, tuck her in bed. She said it made her feel safe, just like when she was a little girl, with her mother. I can't tell you how I hold that in my heart to this day. It really was a special week I will cherish forever. Finally I went home with our son, after a week, my husband stayed on another. His relationship had long been strained through the years with his mother. The distance growing even wider, when she had became little a stronger. It wasn't that he wanted it that way for one second. Just the opposite. He longed so desperately for his mother. It just wasn't to be. So we got back into the rhythm of our life again, the best way we knew how. One step at a time.
We needed the distance. She wanted the closeness, yet so much damage had been done through
the years. It was hard to repair, especially when no real conversation was allowed to take place. A lot of guilt and uncomfortable feelings were still present, with nowhere to go. We would have loved for real intimacy.It wasn't going to happen. Pretending made it that much more heartbreaking in the light of day.
Months passed, and my Mother-In-Law went back into the hospital. It was around Easter time.
I watched my husband go through so much turmoil. I had so little to offer at that time, my deepest regret.
He was so alone. I could not possibly understand, what I do today. I had nothing to offer.
I lacked maturity, insight, wisdom. More aloneness of his childhood he encountered, as he watched his Mother slip away. No words would he hear, even in her passing."Son, I am so proud of you. Thank you
for making my life so joyous." just the silence of life slipping away. Just as his Father had left without a word, more silence for this beautiful heart. I didn't understand the toll. I do now. Another silence in his life, as he walked a long road, to the Funeral Home by himself, to pick out our baby's coffin. I did not share that silence either. He has had many silences I will never know.
I wish I could transport me of today ~ back then. Hold my Raymond. Overlook so much of his Mother's behaviors and understand, it was so much fear. Loss. That was her baby boy. I wish I had the tools I have now, from Hospice, to say..... she's scared. Ignore her words. Look in her eyes. Hold her hand.
Say what it is you need to say. Don't wait to hear what you need. Say it. You'll be surprised what comes out of that. Forgiveness is amazing. It never looks the way we think it's supposed to.
Happy Mother's Day Patricia Spencer. Thank you for the gift of your amazing son. I am sorry for
your wounded heart. I didn't understand. Please forgive me for my impatience of youth.
I think we may have been friends. You have some pretty incredible grandchildren. Im sure you are watching from wherever you are, up in those fluffy clouds. I wish you peace.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
EXPOSED
What I look forward to everyday. More and more exposure to life. Truth. Being Real.
My patience has grown thin, in the healthiest way possible. The snakeskin has peeled off.
I am finally basking in me, for better or worse. I accept me with all the sides I bring to the party.
This is just a part of life I now accept. I spent so much of my existence ~ and yes, I do mean
existence. That was my life when I wanted approval above all else. I didn't live, breathe, feel joy.
I simply lay in wait for the next person to come along and tell me my worth. I should have just had a scanner made, like the ones at Target. I once tried to see if the price would scan me. That amused me to no end. What would my worth have been that day? Oh, such variables. Was my weight up or down?
Had I washed my hair that morning, or was it sportin' the greased look? Had someone said something unkind..... or had I? Maybe I should have just done the points system. Deducting ten, as we went along.
Someone cut me off in traffic. They must have done it on purpose [you guessed it gals, raging PMS.]
It seems comical when you step back, the things that can set us off like time bombs. Things I have taken so personally. Someone not responding to an email.They must hate me! Couldn't be they have a life~ are busy. Or what if...... they just plain ass don't feel like it. Then here is the major doozie. What if they don't like me? I don't like everyone. I don't always feel like chatting. I am two speeds. Always have been. On and off. Never been particularly good at middle ground. I am a true Leo. When I am on~I am on. When I am not, I want to hibernate in a cave. I've used it all up~ nothing left but the fumes.
I am only learning in my forties that my battery needs some serious recharging. It always did.
I just kept going. I would get so wiped out, I just never listened to my body. So serious illness came
a knockin. That got my attention in spurts. If I could still drag my ass out of bed, I did. "I know,"
my body said," let's keep piling one illness after another, she'll get the picture." Well, I am a little hard headed. If I could crawl..........
It's been a long road. I like the things I have now woken up to. Do I wish I was less hard headed? Yes.
But then, that wouldn't be me. I have to explore every avenue. I have been told the process is quite painful to watch at times. I'm sure if I watched someone, I would want to say,
"But there's the front door, do you have to dig under the house, again?"
I think it's about learning to trust myself. No matter what it takes. Exposing myself. I no longer
care what that means to people.Telling the truth. Showing who I am. My dark side, that is not the most attractive. My vulnerable child, so trusting. So many sides, like everyone. I am rather enjoying the taking no crap side, standing up for myself. Now that one has come very late in life. Very hard earned. Had to tussle many decades with good girl to get in there! She wasn't having it. Disapproval and all. What a feeling to ask for what I need. Calmly, not in a demanding way. That is much different. Empowering.
Not barking and biting. Stating with conviction. Feels good. Even using the word, "EXPOSED,"
conjours up so many images to people. To me, it is simple. I am exposing myself to life.
This is me. As is. I like it. Feels good. I am where I want to be in this moment, that's enough for tonight.
My patience has grown thin, in the healthiest way possible. The snakeskin has peeled off.
I am finally basking in me, for better or worse. I accept me with all the sides I bring to the party.
This is just a part of life I now accept. I spent so much of my existence ~ and yes, I do mean
existence. That was my life when I wanted approval above all else. I didn't live, breathe, feel joy.
I simply lay in wait for the next person to come along and tell me my worth. I should have just had a scanner made, like the ones at Target. I once tried to see if the price would scan me. That amused me to no end. What would my worth have been that day? Oh, such variables. Was my weight up or down?
Had I washed my hair that morning, or was it sportin' the greased look? Had someone said something unkind..... or had I? Maybe I should have just done the points system. Deducting ten, as we went along.
Someone cut me off in traffic. They must have done it on purpose [you guessed it gals, raging PMS.]
It seems comical when you step back, the things that can set us off like time bombs. Things I have taken so personally. Someone not responding to an email.They must hate me! Couldn't be they have a life~ are busy. Or what if...... they just plain ass don't feel like it. Then here is the major doozie. What if they don't like me? I don't like everyone. I don't always feel like chatting. I am two speeds. Always have been. On and off. Never been particularly good at middle ground. I am a true Leo. When I am on~I am on. When I am not, I want to hibernate in a cave. I've used it all up~ nothing left but the fumes.
I am only learning in my forties that my battery needs some serious recharging. It always did.
I just kept going. I would get so wiped out, I just never listened to my body. So serious illness came
a knockin. That got my attention in spurts. If I could still drag my ass out of bed, I did. "I know,"
my body said," let's keep piling one illness after another, she'll get the picture." Well, I am a little hard headed. If I could crawl..........
It's been a long road. I like the things I have now woken up to. Do I wish I was less hard headed? Yes.
But then, that wouldn't be me. I have to explore every avenue. I have been told the process is quite painful to watch at times. I'm sure if I watched someone, I would want to say,
"But there's the front door, do you have to dig under the house, again?"
I think it's about learning to trust myself. No matter what it takes. Exposing myself. I no longer
care what that means to people.Telling the truth. Showing who I am. My dark side, that is not the most attractive. My vulnerable child, so trusting. So many sides, like everyone. I am rather enjoying the taking no crap side, standing up for myself. Now that one has come very late in life. Very hard earned. Had to tussle many decades with good girl to get in there! She wasn't having it. Disapproval and all. What a feeling to ask for what I need. Calmly, not in a demanding way. That is much different. Empowering.
Not barking and biting. Stating with conviction. Feels good. Even using the word, "EXPOSED,"
conjours up so many images to people. To me, it is simple. I am exposing myself to life.
This is me. As is. I like it. Feels good. I am where I want to be in this moment, that's enough for tonight.
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