Innocence Lost...

  This is a warning.... adult content.... .

As he looked at me in the rear view mirror, his bride by his side...... I knew two things. 

One, he was a gross pig. 
Two..... somehow I had some kind of power.
 At fourteen this  is a hard thing to understand..... it is instinctual. Purely. 
We were sitting in his enormous Monte Carlo.... or something like that. I was with the other kids from my Church Group.  We would split up in groups-  five or six married couples would be responsible for maybe 5 kids or so..... maybe more. These weren't my usual team leaders. I always could feel his wife didn't like me. The same feeling has come up many times in my life. Not a good one. I am only aware now it is my mother button being pushed. This particular couple had two boys that I liked. They were very young. I always did extremely well  with children. One of them I sort of taught in Sunday School. I say sort of..... my version of teaching was putting The Beach Boys music on. It made sense at the time. I was always torn between being a good girl...... and a little renegade.... doing it my way.

When I looked up at this man who was more than old enough  to be my father...... sneaking peeks every chance he could-

as his wife droned on and on about something boring. She had a very acid tongue at times... and it would soon leak out on me. We would have Church Group Dances and I could feel his eyes burning into my body, which made me very self- conscious.

It apparently did not go unnoticed by the Mrs. Here is the funny thing  that I discovered about women at a young age.

Never blame the Mo Fo who's eyes are wandering lustfully at a young girl. Blame the young girl!  Perfect.... the girl must have some "magic wand" that creates that boner in the old man's pants. Yeah.... that's it.
 I am not talking about out-right seductions... entirely different matter. 
 I am talking about The innocence of youth that some gross pig desires.... and lusts after.

This can damage a girl's youth more than anything. How she views herself. How she feels men view her. The friendships that she struggles with ...... lack of intimacy and trust. This particular man's wife would go after me with gusto.

I learned to strike back like a snake. I knew her weakness. Her pig husband. Unfortunately..... that would be a tool I  became quite skilled at. Again.... learned at a very early age from so much pain and damage.I started to enjoy  her 

anger. I couldn't care less about him, he became the pawn. It was her anger..... she couldn't control this.

Of course I would learn through years and years of Therapy ..... this rage of mine was solely directed at my mother.

Not protecting me from my brother's not only  sexual indignities on me..... his emotional scars I bore were almost worse.

I was lashing out in truly the most naive,passive -aggressive way a child could.  A child..... I never felt it or knew for one second. Never felt like a child. Especially at fourteen..... not with those eyes searing into my body, my soul.

That was just the teaser to segue into what I have been avoiding and need to put pen to paper. As I sit writing this in 

Barnes and Noble..... it seems somehow easier. People around, it normalizes it. My headphones on, the giant ones that Ray uses..... not the kind you use in public. Somehow between these and my glasses.... it feels safer.

I want a blanket, I want to cry. I am cold. That is better..... I put my jacket around me. Some cushioning helps.

He used to call me Blondie as he followed me in his patrol car ....... as I walked down the Blvd. home after school.

He had no shame. Slowly he would drive beside me.... "Blondie"...... as I walked. Boys would ask if he were my brother, father.... who was he? How could I answer the mess I was so deeply saturated in. How did it get to this part..... where I wanted out, which again would be a theme in my life. A previous story written I spoke of my friend Bear who worked at Winchell's Donuts. She was quite obsessed with cops... I was quite obsessed with donuts. That's how it all began.

Very innocently. I lost my best friend from this...... not in the obvious way through the years........ through the damage.

The aftermath too great to handle. I will always love her and mourn the pain that still resides so deeply in her.

It was a cold night I remember when I met them. They seemed to be a tag team. These two cops. One seemed kinder than the other. Rabbit is the nickname I gave the more innocent {ha!] one. The other, I guess, I need to call something.

How about John.... I don't even remember his first name.  John was dangerous and all the girls liked him. Don't know 

why...... he pulled you in like a magnet.... especially if you were fourteen to sixteen, his target audience. He was about twenty eight. Rabbit was around the same age. John just went after whatever and whoever he wanted. I don't know how I got two of my really good friends drawn in..... with much regret and sadness now , but we all were in the web.

Bear was never privvy to the goings on...... I had to keep a very separate life from her, which was quite difficult

since I hung out at Winchell's and that was the meeting spot. I used her ride for transport, with no drivers license....

what fear did I have , I knew most of the cops...... Our next door neighbor was a cop. I felt my bases were pretty much covered. I don't know how it began..... but it began with "John"...... coming into my work. It was the very first night on the job, I was a hostess at a restaurant, and he and his Fireman pal Marty came in.  It was very flattering to me, getting this kind of attention from grown men. They asked me if I wanted a ride home, I didn't think it was a big deal.... Cop and Fireman. Good guys. We stopped by my friends work.....(remember we were both sixteen) at a fast food joint. She was very excited with the notion of attention as well. We used to go to Mass a couple times out of boredom on a Sunday... so we were not prepared for anything. I think she said she was going to spend the night at my house, so the story begins.

She had the kind of dad who actually checked her mileage..... checked to see if her engine was warm,  if she had really driven her car. She was such a straight A good girl.... c'mon.

These fellows invited us to come on over to  John's apartment. This felt so grown up. I don't think either of us had really even done much more than kiss a boy...... like I said.... we had no idea.  We got there and were immediately plied with alcohol. Then separated. My friend was more okay with this than me. I still liked safety in numbers. She liked John, 

not the fireman...... maybe because he had some kind of rainbow striped pants. I don't know. I remember coming out to see what was up, and her top was off. I had never seen her topless.... and didn't want to on that particular night.

I felt embarrassed and kind of sick to my stomach. John probably had a clue and took me away again.... more alcohol.

First he told me he was going to show me how he was going to make me a "good wife" for some man...... one day.

I cried and crossed my legs...... one thing my husband can attest to..... and anyone who REALLY  knows me.....

I have the strongest legs you can possibly imagine. I think I remember now why. I didn't want to learn how to make some man a good wife. I  will spare you the particular details of what he wanted instead... and that was that. He decided I was a dead beat bore.... so invited my friend and Marty in. It was a giant bed.....and I crawled to the bottom..... and just listened until the three of them were done. It was not pleasant and I felt very sad. We went to a coffee shop after.... John had no use for me. He promised every girl he would take them away to Catalina Island. My friend was hooked. I just sat there until we went home. She was in love. I felt disgusting.

Somehow.... this became Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Another friend got involved and was in love with John.... so both  gals now were fighting for his affection. As well as many a fourteen to sixteen year old. Meanwhile...... Rabbit had his sights on me. He knew nothing of the John escapades...... unless he bragged to him..... duh.... maybe that's why he was movin in! I really don't know..... but he was sheepish and always hinting. To make matters worse Rabbit was married. 

So it began. He would pick me up after his shift..... around midnight. I was a junior in high school. I would leave the front door cracked open..... and stay out until around two. We would drive around in his red MG until he found a spot in a secluded area to his liking.  So many pieces of the puzzle are coming together for me now.

Why I didn't always make it to school on time..... or at all. Perhaps I was tired. I was living so many lives.... keeping things from so many people...... bulimia was such a relief for me.My only relief. I am quite sure I would have taken drugs ... no, I know I wouldn't have. I did not know how else at the time to deal with all these emotions.

There is one thing this man wanted and  wanted a lot of. Again I will spare you the details. He never wanted to have actual sex....... he said I was jail bait.   He would hunt me down wherever I was. I felt like I no longer had a life. I would always be sick.... but never knew why.

Little did I know my body was trying to scream to me...... RUN. I did try. He was stronger than me at the time. His agenda was greater. I remember getting my tonsils out, and being so relieved. He still came to the hospital to visit. He had nerve. 

His wife was doing an art show in our town at the carnival one time.... of course he shamelessly introduced me. The look again. She told him..... you better not be doing anything with her. I  knew he was thrilled she made that comment. He liked telling me that. I never hated him more. 

I could never, ever look at his face..... ever. Always felt ashamed...... disgusting. I never felt I had a voice. I don't even remember how it began...... but I do remember my face being pushed in his lap. Each and every time  wanting to die.

It never dawned on me to say no. It never dawned on me that anyone would think it was wrong. He was a cop and so blatant with everything.... they all were. My mom never acted like my brother did anything wrong... she never acknowledged it at all.

My friend went back alone to John's apartment ....  which would become her  deepest regret. This time, he had a gun to get the job done..... all she remembered ..... counting the dots on the ceiling. We cannot  break through this, no matter how hard we have tried. Maybe one day. Some pain is  buried so deep. It takes what it takes to heal.                                            

There were countless cop parties ..... until one of my friends mom's got a whiff  of what was really going on.

Somehow the cops no longer hung out at Winchells.....  in our fair city....... still don't today. I have learned a lot about my behavior today. I was acting on my own survival skills.... there was no where to go..... no one to talk to. I was taught to trust in the authority figures one hundred percent. Starting with the Priests at church. I wasn't believed at home..... who was going to believe some sixteen year old girl? Lessons learned... making me the person I am today. I wish these on no one. We didn't deserve such hard ones. Yes very naive..... not criminals. Especially for not knowing how to behave or read the signs. 

Very sheltered...... repressed.... wanting fun, perhaps attention. The result, getting in way over our heads by very selfish and unsavory characters. We were good girls.... still are. Time for forgiveness al the way around.... been holding on to this shame for thirty two years. Goodbye shame. I am ready for joy and lightness of heart.To forgive myself for not knowing good from bad..... to forgive the bad.  To love myself silly.