My Mythology

As my husband and I were sitting in one of the aisles at Barnes and Nobles book store.......

of course in the self help section....... where else? No brainer. We both joke about the books

we need to read. His light reads on ..... being distracted often. Throw in a tad bit of depression on occasion.

Laughter seems to be the key to what makes us tick. Being married for twenty six years, knowing each others every little trigger, irritatants...... we get the biggest kick pointing out the obvious. We love to push each others buttons in a very dry humor sort of way.

If anyone else did this....... hmmmmmmm. This has been built on The Rock of Gibraltor of trust.

We just happened to be looking at the usual happy fare reading. He was checking out ADD and I was heading into the Narcissistic Family...... having grown up with such a bonding group! We are both swimming with thoughts in our own worlds. Pointing to paragraphs, long sighs..... aaahhs, from each others books.

I am a person who needs to talk things through. My hubby churns it through in his brain.

We are an interesting combo just right there. I drive him insane. Communication......

TALKING. He is a very deep thinker. I speak whats on my mind. Our daughter is much like her papa.

True to form our son is like mama...... needs to communicate. Somehow it works in our family,

with wounded feelings on occasion. A very off beat sense of humor seems to work for us.

Simply saying " I am sorry", combined with a big ol' hug does wonders.

Our words...... for when we really are wanting change..... feel bad, stumbling are......

can we start over, push reset button. Everyone gets that one, and the courage it took the person saying it.

Back to looking at my book on narcissistic families. I was reading a particular page of interest.

I felt deep pain welling up. It was as though a script of my life had been ripped out and pasted in this book. A woman had spoken of how badly she felt of herself as a child. She was recalling

a time in her life...... the most defining time. She was sixteen years old, and met and older

man. She ran off with him.......her parents never stopped her. She had always been a good girl, but saw herself as this wicked terrible person. It took her many years to find herself,

he was very abusive to her. She said if she had known or ever for one second thought there would have been another choice to move in with friends, get an apartment..... she would have.

I was literally hyperventilating while reading this. Seriously..... the room started spinning. I showed this paragraph to Ray. The tears could not, would not stop.

I have been in full reality the level of cleaning out process I am in. I wanted to keep going.

The similarities...... myself being a sixteen year old moving out with an older man.

The jist of what I really got from this family behavior.......... my mother fed me many reasons why this was normal and acceptable.

This was very difficult for me to read....... understand. Really put together my thoughts as I was sitting in the aisle. I was looking at Ray trying to ground myself. Everything I was reading about narcissism. I wasn't stupid or bad or less. I just came from a family that had a severe amount of problems. Starting with a husband and wife.... my mother and father. They had no idea how to parent. Children raising children..... as they remain today. I waited and waited for them to grow up. It just never happened. Their wounds remain too deep. Only writing this, I can much

more easily, and with slight grace step into these new shoes of understanding. Less hostility and hopelessness. Which I am learning and seeing by the second.... is not mine. Their fear has been

so all consuming for them. I have breathed it in as though it were mine.

I am reclaiming my power now.The true and real problem......... I was never stood up for. Fought for. I was not the most difficult kid. I was just a kid who left home, like the girl in the story. A sixteen year old who wanted to know she was worth being fought for. Not being told.....

"It was easier when you left." Trust me....... no one wants to hear those words.

''We wanted you back. We loved you so much.... it broke our hearts." Those are the words every sixteen year old longs to hear no matter how rebellious your parent claims you are. They did not come for me. Not even pretend. Off I went into the night.Did they even know where?

Simply..... "We never had a phone number to contact you." That is all she wrote. This is

where the pain lies. Next. Replaceable you. I am one of six children. I am a number in that family...... just as each other of the five are. I deeply mourn all our pain. To be invisible.

For those of us that have had to light our own paths....... could we not lighten up on our selves.

We did the best we could raising ourselves. Forgiveness comes in time. It takes longer when there is no one to light the way.What a miracle we are for getting here.

I have a family who needs me one hundred percent. I need me one hundred percent.

All I can do is collect myself from the aisle from Barnes and Noble. Maybe treat myself to the yummiest frogurt. Know for certain a hug and "I love you" always awaits me in my home. It always awaits anyone who enters my home. Always...... no question.

We all have built that together here. Nothing will ever be more important in these four walls I live in. This is how I let go. I identify ......I am just feeling it to my roots. I will not own what was never mine.

I have owned way too much. Time too lay down the gauntlet...... time to lighten up. This is just mythology and it is no longer mine. It makes me tired thinking about it. The good news.....

the load is once again lightening........