Liverwurst Sandwiches

On hot dog and hamburger day, I thought I died and had gone to heaven. There was always left over buns from the hot dog and hamburgers. The makeshift cafeteria sold them for a nickel or a dime. I would

feverishly scrounge up the money, or do some serious begging. Sad, but true. A gal does whatever it takes ....... when she smells fresh buns a cookin. I was so jealous of the kids who could afford to buy more than one

hamburger or hot dog. They had to be rich. I figured out peoples social status by two things.

Remember...... this is grade school, my world was slightly limited. Everyone wore a uniform. First things first, what were they sporting in their lunch pails? Let's not even go there about cool lunch pails. It was never gonna happen in my lifetime as a kid, dream on. I lived vicariously through many a St.Lukatrazer. {How funny, I haven't said or thought St. Lukatraz since I was a child.} Partridge Family, Brady Bunch....... now those lunch pails rocked.

Need I say more? On to the nuts and bolts of what was going on in those lunch boxes.

Let's start with twinkies and fritos. There was definitely some big bucks going on there. Parents must have been loaded! Definitely had double doors on the front of their house.{Another Clare marker for wealth, as a child}

When you really started diggin into some serious gold...... candy bars.... full size. That was crazy making.

Did they have a chaffeur? The kids with those soup thermos, all warm and toasty on a rainy day.

Well, let's just say they were my arch enemy. I knew their moms were the kind that made really yummy snacks when they got home from school.... probably fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. When some kids had certain snacks in their lunch on an every day basis.... I would have to put my tongue back into my panting puppy dog mouth. They were definitely showing off on the playground .... especially when they sported a full size bag of potato chips for recess.... and lunch.

Don't get me wrong, eating my liverwurst sandwich on frozen white bread that hadn't quite defrosted.... was pretty cool. Especially when one kid would invariably look

around and say "what smells like crap?" at the lunch benches. There was plenty of ventilation,

we were outdoors... that liverwurst, how it had a mind of it's own. Quite a smell, too.

The thing that makes me laugh right now.... thinking about those torn up soggy half frozen sandwiches with liverwurst oozing out the broken sides. Trying to act cool like it wasn't happening as Bobby and Susie were eating their ding dongs and snowballs. I would practically lick that liverwurst off my fingers as I watched those kids tossing their heads back laughing, enjoying their delicious sugary treats. Perhaps if we were really lucky, there would be an off-

off brand fake oreo cookie that had crumbled in my bag. I would scoop the contents hungrily, lost in my own heavenly high, as the remaining crumbs made a home under my nails for the rest of the day. I was quite a sight I am sure. I wouldn't have really cared. I was still a true innocent. Hmmmm... Susie's lunch looked so good.

I could just feel her mothers thoughtful hands packing that lunch box. Patting her head,

sending her off. Somehow there would always be traces of liverwurst on me. My breath,

my uniform, my skin.

On to the second knowing: Who had bucks according to Clare's world? Well, the key to this baby was of course: free dress day. With all things being equal with uniforms... there was really no telling. But free dress day, all bets were off. The fanciest of dresses would come out.

I think I may have had one or two church dresses, so....... selection was somewhat limited.

Most of my friends came from big Catholic families. Dress code was not high on the priorities

list. Home, food ..... schooling may have been a little higher up the ladder. There were really

only a few girls in particular who really stood out with dressed up fancy wear. I would

study them with endless fascination. Especially when the weather was cold and wet.

We lived in Southern California, so it rarely got that cold. I had never seen such beautiful

jackets and gloves in my life. They were truly what a Princess would wear. It was the bows on the back of the jackets that sent me over the edge. The gloves with the pom poms on them.

Sadly..... or perhaps sweetly, I had to buy myself some of those gloves, as an adult.

Of course, yes, I dolled my daughter up as a child. Who is kidding who?

I would walk home from school, and envy the kids who's moms picked them up.... everyday.

I never got how casual they were about it. I thought it must be the most amazing thing in the

entire world. To have a smiling face waiting for them, rain or shine.... asking them how their day was. It seemed too far fetched to me. I would see Leonard Maggio's mom come to school.

I thought she was so beautiful. She always came and helped out at school events. I couldn't believe some kid could have such a pretty mom. His dad reminded me of Jim Croce. How cool must that have been? It was the worst days walking in the rain. Again... praying one of my friends would take pity on me. Shame builds on that. Sometimes rain drops are just better.

It's funny looking back now..... what colored my world. The things, places, people I considered rich. My cousin and her dressing table. Her beautiful dresses. I wanted to be beautiful like her. She sure caught my dads eye. He would smile when she was around. Then there was us. I wondered as I looked at our shorn hair and simple dresses.... would I ever be a beautiful Fairy Tale Princess like her? Her castle she lived in.... it may as well have been.... compared to what we drove home to. I wanted. I wanted so badly, my own bedroom, a closet full of beautiful clothes.

Would I ever sit at a dressing table so fancy...... be beautiful with long flowing locks? I'm sure my older sisters felt similar. We felt so invisible as females. So desperately wanted to be told we were Fairy Princesses. We may have been chubby..... whatever we were.... we were. Still, we deserved to shine and sparkle like any little Princess in her own right.

Now...... we can be Fairy Tale Princesses. My daughter is the most beautiful Princess to me. She is magic, always has been...... since day one, and has always known it. I am not ready to be a Queen. I need to enjoy the step of Princess..... I have not worn those shoes yet. I wish for my sisters the same thing. Girls...... you always sparkled and shined like the most beautiful diamonds. The sky glittered with stars the nights you were born. Angels danced in Heaven at the sheer joy of just hearing your names. We are rich..... we have each other. Stardust is falling from the sky, the man in the moon is asking you both to join him.

Make a wish ladies....... find your shooting star....... greatest desire....... your dreams are coming true. Wanna go to St. Lukatraz with me and eat some liverwurst sandwiches?