The Dark Silence

Before it hit me I too was a nay sayer. The dark silence that isn't spoken of in mixed company....

any company but whispered hushes, downward glances to the poor sap who has actually made it through. Than there is the selfish son of a bitch who was so thoughtless to hurt those they loved. Checked out with not so much as a thought to anyone else's feelings, thoughts, consideration. What sparked this writing..... was me reading a blog today. People talking about those who blatantly do not value life... who try to commit suicide.... or succeed in the act. Never was pain or desperation or grief brought into this...... just the de-valuing of life, which ties it up neatly. We can all go home now.

I can only speak from this writers perspective, but this was not the case for me. Never for one second when contemplating suicide many years ago did I ever take it lightly. Never. The pain was

indescribable...... they shoot horses don't they? I could not find my way home, and believe me, not for one second for lack of trying. I am pounding these keys harder than you can imagine. All of the emotion that I have kept inside for so long...... so I could appear normal and balanced after so many years of darkness.

The shame I am supposed to carry. Why? Please tell me to the judge and jury who decides the type of person I am. A heart that now has light and joy..... bounce. The ability to communicate clearly with you now. Would you have liked me then? When I was dark and sad and hopeless. Consumed with never ending thoughts of death. Every morning as I awoke.... and evening as I lay my head to sleep. Would I have been part of the undesirables you would have looked the other way at... because my pain would have been to great to bear? You would have wished for me to go away and come back when I was fixed..... all better. Well. this is me. Thirteen years in the making of getting all better. I assure you, it is so easy to want to dismiss

those who are in such an unbearable amount of pain and darkness.

We have known our place. Our darkened rooms, where we grieve and try desperately to keep it away from everyone so as not to infect. We try not to have those dark nights of the soul that go on and on. We wonder what is wrong with us..... why can we just not be happy and fill our hearts with joy and all the gifts God has given us. We are not unaware. The river is wide....

We cannot figure out how to cross over. We pull away, with the disdain we see in some of your eyes. Our shame fills oceans. Yours for us, adds to our skies. We are blind in the dark. Forgive us for not finding our way. We want to fit in and be normal more than you will ever imagine. We want the pain lifted.

My pain lifted through love and forgiveness and yes, medication. Am I even less now?

I own my brains malfunction in this lifetime. I function now with thoughts of a future I never

knew existed. Too many ghosts from the past haunted me. I am a divine being made in God's

delight. I have a right to be here, to love, laugh, tell my truth. Feel my pain. Release it.

Lift any feelings of guilt or shame. Feeling bad about wanting to come so close to taking my own life. There was always something divine guiding and protecting me. I begged on my knees

for it...... in the worst of it. Even when I begged for death I always wanted life.

I merely wanted the pain to stop. If you were to ask those who were in pain, it is the pain they want to stop. Not always their lives....... the pain. Compassion and love are amazing qualities of

what are really needed. The greatest one......... being heard. Listening sometimes is a good place to start. It is after all, just a thought.