to hear, see, know. I no longer question for one second the next move I need to make.
I have anguished for so long for a clear sign. I am the type of gal
who needs it in neon bigger than life. Than multiply that by 10. I'll start thinking it might be a sign and ask for more. Must be a coincidence and I am hallucinating.
My name could be on it, with arrows pointing towards the correct direction.
I would still ask, hmmmm, maybe it's for another Clare.
I don't know why it is hard for me to accept signs, truths, realities.
I feel them in my heart constantly. I think never having them validated as a child,
I have a hard time trusting myself. I brush it off. I must be high.
On what , sugar? That one is even getting old.
Something clicked about a week ago, when I couldn't sleep.
I lay there in the dark, and I knew without a doubt, what my life's mission
finally was. The best part, I finally got me. Why my life has unfolded as it has.
I made more sense to my own self! A tremendous burden was lifted.
To know so many years of darkness and pain, which I could not understand for the life of me.
What could possibly be the point of that one. A lot of different avenues to pursue. Now it finally made sense. To feel SO sensitive all these years, all this time. My sensitivity now had purpose.
The only one that kept reeling me back in, loud and clear: Hospice.
I cannot explain how at home I feel. I know that's when the best me comes out.
How nothing feels more natural and right.
Taking care of individuals, families in their most vulnerable moments.
A few years ago, I would have told you this decision was insane. No way.
My passion, compassion has only grown. I have had to do a lot of soul searching.
Forgiveness taking me down some roads I never thought I would dare travel.
Opening my heart, when I wanted to slam it shut so tight. Tell everyone to go to hell.
That would be the cleaned up version. A whole lot of kicking and screaming has gone on.
Tears and bitterness that could fill many rivers. Rage, hissy fits and a whole lot of
bitching and foot stomping going on.
Holding on to my point of view, until the bigger plan got shaken up. Having the privilege the honor of sitting, being with one person at a time. Making their transition back home, from this life into the next.
Listening, talking, laughing. Being. Getting to know family members. Holding a hand that is shaking. I completely underestimated the value in a cup of coffee, before. Having a warm beverage to hold, a hot cocoa, in the winter. Soothes a weary soul. Smell of fresh baked cookies wafting. Draws a very unlikely gathering. A perfect orchestra, created exactly at the right time, for each in need of comfort, laughter, just plain old company of strangers sometimes.
Mothers, fathers, sons, daughters. People unsure of what to do, how to behave.
Aunts and Uncles flying in from out of town, exhausted. Blankets draped on tired, sleeping sweeties sometimes can revive and comfort, even temporarily.
Others in great need of comic relief. Fearing there is a great rule book.
If there is laughter, they must be bad. So far from the truth. Laughter is so necessary .
Stories of family history, memories. Just plain old jokes. Knowing that you are not alone .
That is the bottom line.
Children, wanting normalcy. Smelling cookies baking, watching movies. Obviously they see their mothers, fathers in grief. Having a place to still be children, know that everything is going to be okay, critical. They get it. However they still want to play a game, watch a movie.
I learned so much working in a Hospital setting. It is very rare to find a
Hospital that serves specifically as a Hospice.
I am now going back to a new Hospice that I will learn, again my third time out.
This time my purpose has taken on an entirely different meaning.
My eyes, my ears, my radar- with complete alertness.
The student is in need of learning everything.
I, one day in the not too distant future will be opening my own Hospice House.
This is my declaration to myself, and to the world.
This is my Mission. Now is my time to learn as much as I can .
Meet the people I will need to. Have faith that this will all come together.
The thing I need to concentrate on are these two basics.
One, most important, keeping my heart open to love.
Without that, I am useless to anyone. Second, willingness to be a conduit.
I do not have to worry at this moment how all of this will come together.
I think the point is- to be willing. I am. I cannot worry about the other stuff yet.
It gets in the way of what I am good at. I have finally identified that one.
Remember me and signs>in the beginning of all this writing. It has taken me
a lifetime to get here. To accept this part of me. I got this sign covered. Past that I
definitely need to have serious neon signs lead the way.
I know there will be others along for this ride, who will read the signs along the way a lot better than me. I know I'll be covered.
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