Dancing with delight, my heart. How I try to monitor this beating, living creation inside
my body. The more I try to put a rope on it, rein it in, the wilder it beats. The more fearful and out of control it seems to become. Rather than just letting it be. Giving it space, dignity.
Trusting that it knows precisely what to do. It has come here with a specific mission to accomplish. I need to let go and let it be.
Holding my breath in great tension does not make my hearts job, intentions any easier.
Pumping harder, faster- fear mounting from lack of oxygen to my brain. Why does it take me so long to realize that this is normal. I am not from the Venutian solar system.
I am just a human being who gets frightened and anxious by people and situations,
on occasion. In admitting my heart is here to serve me, could in fact
calm me as well. Comfort me. Allow love and kindness to enter the terror zone, when things get overwhelming. Amazingly beautiful heart that actually beats in other non- Venutians.
Just human beings having experiences. I think maybe we like to look at each other as Venutian sometimes, when someone might be overly emotional, or "feeling it," when we're not.
Then sometimes the rules of engagement change. We have to be so immersed in that event, emotion, struggle, complete bliss as well. When we are severely bummed out, who wants to
see someone blissed . Share in my misery, how dare you! When we are running out for a quick errand, and have those sweats on, you know the ones reserved for watching TV, ice cream eating- not meant for human eyes. Maybe this is when Venutian living would come in handy.
This is probably their dress up wear. You bump into judge and jury chic, you know the one.
Everyone has at least one of those. You realize your hair is looking, well, hmmm....
lets just say interesting today. You just wanted to make a quick dash into Blockbusters .
There she stands, our perceived judge crew. Looking over at what was left at a pool of shrinking,
shamed us. Why, because we didn't put the right costume on to hit Ralph's and Blockbusters.
We forgot , the audacity of us that we were just living our lives, and lived as is.
If we were to look from judge and jury's life, really went inside, what a different song and dance we would hear, see. Nothing like the one we thought. The melting pool of us...... slowly slithers out of Blockbuster. The Judge we could never imagine carries wounds so deeply in her heart. The record playing over and over in her constant stereo brain might go something like this. Why can I never get it right. Standing in front of the mirror for hours not out of vanity, but agony. Not being able to "get it perfect", "get it right". That's the interesting
thing about perception . The old tapes we play in our heads over and over. Both of these women probably knew each other from high school. Now well into their, let's say 30's. Yet it continues, the fear, the perception of how they felt. Doesn't ever have to have been accurate from high school days.
The feelings carry over. Our hearts hurt. The wound stays buried deep. Then we put on our cozy sweats that everyone loves to be cozy in.
Both these gal pals are amazing. If they could see that each is really admiring the other for different reasons. Sweats momma is envied by judge, because she seems so relaxed and comfy in her own skin. She wishes she could let down some. Sweats momma looks at judge and
wonders how she always has it so pulled together. If only just like in a movie, we could trap these two in an elevator for an hour or two, let them hash it out, heart to heart.
Not the illusion of what we think, or get stuck in. But let our hearts really tell our tale.
How afraid we are sometimes. We spoke out of turn. How overjoyed we really are,
even though we look like deer in the head lights. That we never loved deeper. So very
horrified to trust. Be careful with my tender heart. Just love me. Please, don't hurt me.
Our amazing, trusting, fearful, broken, overflowing, beating hearts. To experience all of those emotions, and a zillion more if we are willing to go along for the ride.
We have the ability to open wide and let the love flow in and out from all directions. Feel the lightness, pure joy. All so true and not without risks.
The alternative, to keep it clamped down, dark, shut tight. No air, definitely risk free.
Damp , empty, yearning, sad. Then the in between of just working on it. That's a good comfort
zone. Boundaries, trusting as we go. Feeling it out. Letting in who feels good, safe, deserving of our trust. I think most people have varying degrees of comfort between all three. I sure do. Depending on my levels of .... fear, trust, love. I do know we are all doing the best we can. This heart of mine. I am liking it more the older I get.
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