One Day

Oh, but you are so amazing. I love you ........ of course you know that. It's just that ______ (fill in the blank) name will be upset. I'll call you. Don't want to upset the apple cart. You understand. You're such a trooper.

I have made excuses my entire life for this behavior. I have wanted to be liked more than respected. I have needed it. That is why sitting here is so difficult right now. I've reached my limit. I have peaked out. There's nothing left but the hollow shell I am now shedding. It's done. The veneer wasn't much thicker after all these years. I just didn't know how easily it would peel off when I was ready - Really ready.

It's just a few days into the New Year. Maybe it's that. I made no big New Years Resolution. My heart remembered. From a ghost from my past. Someone I loved dearly, who always put me on the back burner 100 years ago. What did I know? Throw the dog a bone. I would have and by the way, did take any bone thrown my way. I was not what you would have called one with discriminating tastes. If someone was nice to me and did not appear to be a serial killer or some form of reptilian mutant, they were in.

It didn't mean I liked them or thought highly of them, after all they liked me. What's up with that? Big ol' defense mechanism. But I did liked being with people. It's because I wanted them to like me and was terrified of rejection. I just couldn't figure out why anyone would like me. Consequently, I allowed some of my friends to treat me badly : getting bitch slapped verbally. I was subserveant, a role I learned so well as a child. I followed the pack until later in life when I would catch on how power was won. I didn't say healthy power. Good teachers, some of those Bitch Slappers. I'm sure I did my good share of bitch slapping back, once I caught on to how that game was played. I truly am sorry to those who got caught in my Power Play. No excuses for that one.

I did have some standards. I had secret deeply buried aspirations. Unknown even to myself, I would always be on a quest to search out individuals I respected. This presented a problem in my life. This somewhat secret quest, well... very hidden quest buried deep in my heart. Meanwhile acting out in very destructive ways. I wanted guidance, but like a wild stallion needed to be reined in. No easy task I assure you. I believe bucking bronco may be one of the terms used by my sweet hubby.

I did the best I could with the limited road map at my disposal at an early age. Leaving home at 16, you miss out on a lot of things you can never get back. You see the world differently, than maybe someone who felt protected and nurtured. I knew there was no going back. I felt very old. I didn't see things with the same perspective as someone who was thriving , healthy. I felt desperate, running, always trying to figure things out and keep up. Then just wanting to escape. Everything seemed too hard.

The boyfriend I moved in with, to escape the bad family home life now was becoming too much.

By the time I was 18 and had pushed for the marriage that I now wanted to flee. Having no voice can present quite a problem. I wanted to get married, to prove I was lovable, not the monster I conjured up in my head. Oops, too late. Mama wasn't letting me out of this one. Neither was hubby-to-be. What to do, what to do. I know, I'll get married. That will get everyone off my back. Then I will just do what I want. Hmmmmmmm. I was brilliant, mature, and definitely had it all going on. 18 and on top of the world. How I wished. Pretended.

Scared shitless and wanting someone to take me by the hand and make it all better was more like it. Completely lost. Alone. I was a year out of high school. Not even a full year. I did what I did to survive. Period. I left one bad situation for another. I wanted love. I needed a voice. Which, by the way....... my going down memory lane writing does have a point. The great trooper, No Voice Clare. Going along for whatever ride. Always in the back seat. But the problem, I like the view from the front. The other view just doesn't cut it anymore. I want to see everything!!

Maybe in that other life. When I didn't know any different. Desperation and fear were forever

my friends, side by side. So as I go down memory lane, my heart doesn't travel lightly. Not this time my friend. I am no longer Back Burner Buddy. Always laying in wait, as I did so many years before. I was so obedient. It wasn't that I was actually as desperate, as this one silly thing. I just loved you so much. So I waited. I waited for so many people, like a good obedient dog.

Because I loved. I will continue to love. But as of today..... I'm sorry. I can no longer wait. I have people who are waiting for me to get this Hospice business going. Thanks for reminding me.