and in return I don't betray. Foreign concept....... Heaven on Earth. My life is changing in
ways I would never believed possible, not for one second. Sitting here writing this.... excited.
Thinking about the fact that I am back in the land of the living. Fun conversations with females again. Deep, intellectual, silly and childlike all in one paragraph. Well.... we are in internet
age. I hated it- rejected it. I wouldn't do it. No way, held out. Didn't get it. Now I am hooked!
Face Book has even re-connected me to family members that I could never have been able to
in a comfortable way...... it eased me on down the road. I love putting my head phones on and blaring music..... of course James Taylor will usually take center stage. He just takes me there.
Opening my heart to the possibilities, that I absolutely ruled out from very bad choices of past days. I know now I needed a very long siesta from life to get my priorities straight.
Trust has been a very big deal in my female relationships. It all started with the Mother Ship.
The trust was not there as a child. It was not instilled in me, nor any of my siblings from either parent. I married a very gentle, patient man who has loved me through it all.
The female role never healed as well. I would repeat the same wounded relationships....
re-infecting the pain that needed to heal, but I didn't see my way out of. Over and over again I would put myself in the same situation expecting a different outcome. Welcome to the true head bangers ball. Ouch, when would I learn? I always thought I needed to do all the work,
beg for love. I was a very well trained dog from so many years of Catholic School.
I was obedient, didn't make waves..... I saw what happened to John Lloyd and the others after
they came back from the Principal's Office. I had the fear of God drilled in me. Trust wasn't even high on the list. Survival came in tops for me. That was all. Just to survive. I did not have
high hopes, dreams, aspirations. I just didn't want soap crammed down my throat again, for
whatever perceived sin I committed at home. So we had it coming and going. Survival.
That was all it was to me. Friendships were whoever was nice. Period. I was a follower.
Very afraid of my voice, power. What power? I felt so stripped and devoid of power.
I only achieved my power in sneaky ways. Like the typical good Catholic Girls I knew.
Girls Gone Wild. When you got us away from home, our parents, we were so restrained there,
we were already going to Hell..... scary, out of control..... all bets were off. May as well have a good time....... Girls Gone Wild is an understatement. My friendships seemed to
always have very controlling females at the helm. Hmmmmmmmm? How could that possibly be? A cold, indifferent, controlling mother. Hard to figure out. I wouldn't have noticed caring, kind people. I had to work hard to have you help me feel like shit.
So, my friendships were not always built on the greatest of foundations. Neither was I.
I used as much as was used. It was an equal collaboration, although it has taken me many moons to own this. To welcome love, goodness, equality....... sincerity. Whoa, that usually
sent me packing ......... pronto. I was the last to know this little tid bit. It was always the other guys trip. Uh huh! Well, here I am now- scathed, war wounds...... open heart of a child, as well.
I am ready for it all. I know I am ready to learn the kindergarden way that I never did. Too shy.
I want to play and laugh.... and be friends. Risk and ask for help and be scared and all the stuff that goes with it. The joy, the giving....... knowing I am now capable of being a good and consistent friend who not only can stick around.... being the commitment phobe. I want to.
I want to be a friend. Treasure all the roller coaster rides coming my way. I feel so much less fear, knowing it was merely conditioning from a scared girl who got the title of being my mom.
The more I forgive this scared , sad little girl, the more I get to play. I embrace it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment